Ah yes, the two types of professionals we mere mortals despise, doctors and lawyers. Blood-sucking parasites as I like to call them (and I put psychologists in this group as well, for the record). They charge hundreds of dollars per hour from people who are often in a vulnerable state. And for what? What do they do? What do they provide? I mean of the three, I can respect the lawyers the most. You want to know why? At least you know that they are in reality billing per hour, meaning they are truly working during that time. They are either doing research or preparing documents.
See, that's the thing. Lawyers actually DO the research and take the TIME to figure out the right answers and what might be the best scenario for you at the time.
But what do psychologists do? They just pull explanations out of their asses. "Well it sounds like what's happening is your issues with your father are being put upon other men." How unique and *profound*, no? Or they ask stupid questions that anyone could ask us without charging us $100/hr like, "Have you tried talking to her?" (Uh, no because I'd rather spend money I don't have to not try the less obvious thing.) They take no true effort or time to actually get to know their patients; they just jump in with their pompous "expertise."
Or what do doctors do? Meet with you for 10 minutes and say, "Here take this medication." Or they give you completely misleading nutrition information. And appallingly, I know of a woman who told her doctor of a lump in her breast, the doctor IGNORES it and says it's nothing, and LATER she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
But we still need to go back to those fuckers don't we? If we are sick, what else can we do? Well actually, we could just go to Vegas. Vegas sucks our money, but it sure as hell is a lot more fun!
5-star service
The gall of the Sprint store to have its employees wear ribbons that say, "You deserve 5-star service."
Well I guess literally that's true. We deserve it.
But, they're not saying they'll give it. Okay, makes sense now. I guess literally it's not hypocritical.
Then we all might as well be wearing ribbons that say, "I should care about you and your problem." or "I should follow-through on my commitments." or "I should act like a professional at work."
Well I guess literally that's true. We deserve it.
But, they're not saying they'll give it. Okay, makes sense now. I guess literally it's not hypocritical.
Then we all might as well be wearing ribbons that say, "I should care about you and your problem." or "I should follow-through on my commitments." or "I should act like a professional at work."
Western photos
Those country western family photos you can get taken at touristy places are so stupid aren't they? I mean, what's the point? It's like, I'm not a cowboy, but here's what I WOULD look like if I WAS one. You know, in case you were wondering.
Ice cream shops
WHY are ice cream shops so cold?? I mean yes, I get it, they need to keep the ice cream cold. But folks, just because we have to keep the stuff in our kitchen freezers frozen doesn't mean we keep our houses at 65 degrees or always have the fans running, do we? But you go into an ice cream shop and you have to put on your ski-wear when you're eating the ice cream (and what is UP with all the fans blowing??).
I mean you would think that if they wanted to sell more ice cream, they'd keep it a tad warmer to motivate customers to buy more. Am I crazy?
I mean you would think that if they wanted to sell more ice cream, they'd keep it a tad warmer to motivate customers to buy more. Am I crazy?
Moral of the story
Ever notice how children's short stories, or fables, end with the sentence, "The moral of this story is..." I mean does that need to be explicitly stated? Doesn't putting it bluntly at the end take away from it? Especially since the moral of the story is usually so obvious. Does anyone NOT get that slow and steady won the race for the tortoise? Or that the man and his son with their donkey should just do their own thing? So why read the entire story and why not just skip to the moral?
It seems that such summarizations would be more useful in other areas, like the 5-page car rental documents we sign, or the 10-page housing rental agreements. Why don't they just make it easier on us and say in bold letters at the bottom, "Let's put it to you this way: you make one scratch and you are charged an arm and a leg!"
Now in DATING wouldn't such summarizations be helpful?! I wish there could be words on your date's forehead that expresses his thoughts such as, "Why are we even going through this formality of dinner? I just want to see you naked." Or why go through the effort of sex in most cases, right? What if we somehow had a summary on the bed that said, "Trust me, you're NOT going to orgasm!"
Then that's one book we wouldn't open and save ourselves some time.
It seems that such summarizations would be more useful in other areas, like the 5-page car rental documents we sign, or the 10-page housing rental agreements. Why don't they just make it easier on us and say in bold letters at the bottom, "Let's put it to you this way: you make one scratch and you are charged an arm and a leg!"
Now in DATING wouldn't such summarizations be helpful?! I wish there could be words on your date's forehead that expresses his thoughts such as, "Why are we even going through this formality of dinner? I just want to see you naked." Or why go through the effort of sex in most cases, right? What if we somehow had a summary on the bed that said, "Trust me, you're NOT going to orgasm!"
Then that's one book we wouldn't open and save ourselves some time.
Distractions
We have resorted to a new level of rudeness in today's world. I cannot begin to express how pissed off I get at the overuse of I-pods and cell phone texting. So the "loved" ones from out of town visiting the folks who own these new hot commodities are no longer as important as Gwen Stephani, or the text from a friend who lives in the SAME ZIPCODE as them. Someone can have a heart-attack right on the street and the idiot in his own little world would never know because he's too fucking distracted with his I-pod. Or folks can't even sit through a 2-hour movie without checking a stupid text.
Well if we're going to pretend that the people we're with are not there anyway, then why not do something even more satisfying than texting or listening to music? How about farting whenever we feel like it? Belching at a dinner table? Going to the bathroom with the door open?
Hell, how about masturbating in the presence of others? What? That suggestion disturbs you? But isn't it more satisfying than listening to music or texting?
Well if we're going to pretend that the people we're with are not there anyway, then why not do something even more satisfying than texting or listening to music? How about farting whenever we feel like it? Belching at a dinner table? Going to the bathroom with the door open?
Hell, how about masturbating in the presence of others? What? That suggestion disturbs you? But isn't it more satisfying than listening to music or texting?
Christmas cards
Sending Xmas cards has really become a joke, hasn't it? I mean, people don't even TRY to make you feel special anymore. It's like "I have to do this fucking task because it's the holidays, so I'll pick the ugliest, BIGGEST card ever, just sign my name, and feel like I sent something meaningful." I'm not even addressed-people just write their names at the very bottom and that's it!
So how long am I supposed to keep such gifts worth $1.50 (the stamp and card) and the physical and emotional work that goes along with it (which is worth even LESS)? So I put them on my desk until after new years and then toss them.
Much like new years resolutions. There's another joke-new years resolutions. Maybe we need UN-resolutions. I will not organize my closet. Or I will not clean up after myself. We know we can keep those!
So how long am I supposed to keep such gifts worth $1.50 (the stamp and card) and the physical and emotional work that goes along with it (which is worth even LESS)? So I put them on my desk until after new years and then toss them.
Much like new years resolutions. There's another joke-new years resolutions. Maybe we need UN-resolutions. I will not organize my closet. Or I will not clean up after myself. We know we can keep those!
Celebrity job changes
Ever notice how so many celebrities go into different fields? Examples are JeLo (did I spell that right? well, I don't care) who went from acting to singing and Ellen Degeneres who was originally a comedian and now has her own talk show. And ever notice how STUPID they look in their new roles? JeLo can't really act or sing in my opinion, and Ellen who's a great comedian looks dorky dancing around with the audience and then going on stage trying to be Letterman.
Yet, many like them in their new roles and get this: they make SHITLOADS of money in them! Well hell, I can't sing worth shit, I admit, but why do I get so much grief when I sing karaoke, or when I sing at home? I mean, at least I'm not making money doing it!
Yet, many like them in their new roles and get this: they make SHITLOADS of money in them! Well hell, I can't sing worth shit, I admit, but why do I get so much grief when I sing karaoke, or when I sing at home? I mean, at least I'm not making money doing it!
Camping
Okay, so what constitutes camping? (I recently had a conversation about this with someone the other day and it got me all riled up.) I mean, is it still camping if people are sleeping on air mattresses, taking showers or cooking pancakes? I'm sorry, but camping is a sleeping bag, dealing w/o a shower for a couple days, dealing with the bugs, and eating sandwiches!
I consider myself a camper, because I do like roughin' it now and then, especially as a break from a normal hectic schedule. I love the outdoors, hiking, and sleeping under the stars. I'm ok without showering for a few days and I know that bugs come with the territory. Plus, if I cook all the time at home, WHY would I want to cook outdoors????
BUT, some folks have the audacity to say I'm not a real camper because I've only been twice in my life. But you know what, it was I alone in both of those outings who could deal without pancakes for the weekend, wasn't complaining about being dirty, and wasn't squealing like a little girl everytime a bug flew by. Okay, so I've only been twice and wouldn't be able to pitch a tent by myself (but I didn't grow up with camping parents and a skill like that just comes by doing it multiple times), but why is everyone else who's been camping a million times cooking pancakes and complaining about bugs and being dirty? Just because they've done it more than me makes them true campers and not me?
Okay, so by that standard, I'm a true creative writer. I may suck at it but hey, I've been trying for a while!
I consider myself a camper, because I do like roughin' it now and then, especially as a break from a normal hectic schedule. I love the outdoors, hiking, and sleeping under the stars. I'm ok without showering for a few days and I know that bugs come with the territory. Plus, if I cook all the time at home, WHY would I want to cook outdoors????
BUT, some folks have the audacity to say I'm not a real camper because I've only been twice in my life. But you know what, it was I alone in both of those outings who could deal without pancakes for the weekend, wasn't complaining about being dirty, and wasn't squealing like a little girl everytime a bug flew by. Okay, so I've only been twice and wouldn't be able to pitch a tent by myself (but I didn't grow up with camping parents and a skill like that just comes by doing it multiple times), but why is everyone else who's been camping a million times cooking pancakes and complaining about bugs and being dirty? Just because they've done it more than me makes them true campers and not me?
Okay, so by that standard, I'm a true creative writer. I may suck at it but hey, I've been trying for a while!
Sex? Perhaps lima beans?
Do we really need sex in our lives, or are we just bombarded with references to sex, which just leads us to *think* we do? I mean, it's been 7 months for me (sheesh) and it didn't really get to me until my sister called me the other day to tell me she got some (be-otch!).
Now I can't STAND lima beans. So let's say I was bombarded with references to how good lima beans are. Would I want lima beans and not care about sex?
Now I can't STAND lima beans. So let's say I was bombarded with references to how good lima beans are. Would I want lima beans and not care about sex?
Excuses
Have you ever noticed that the same excuses get used by different people all the time? I mean it gets old to the point where they can be considered cliches. Because I mean, people say them as if it makes them special, like nobody else goes through those experiences or feelings. I mean in our society we've had for a while now 1) a high divorce rate, 2) traffic, 3) and the need to work to make a living (well, most people anyway). Yet you always hear:
"My parents got divorced so I haven't had a good role model for relationships."
Yeah? Well you and every other jerk who uses that excuse for being chicken shit or an asshole when it comes to dating.
"Dating is so hard for me."
Yeah, and it's a breeze for the rest of us-we're just living in a romantic comedy over here.
"I don't do well with rejection."
Really, cuz it's my favorite part of asking guys out!
"I'm not a morning person."
Well I'd like to lounge around in bed all morning too but I'm an ADULT and I have to be somewhere in the mornings to make a living. Try going to bed EARLIER.
"I'm a visual learner."
Yeah, cuz it's easier to just get the information from watching it on television or looking at a graph for a minute, rather than spending the 30 minutes reading the research article.
"Sorry I didn't get that to you, I've been busy."
Yeah, and I'm just basking in free time over here. But I use a PLANNER so that I can follow-through.
"I wish I could be creative and get paid for it."
Yeah, you and everyone else with a pulse.
"I try to be a spontaneous person-life happens when you're making plans."
Well maybe that's why you don't accomplish much.
"Sorry I'm late, the traffic was crazy!"
Well, the secret is, the technology to be able to beam ourselves places has been available for like 30 years now, but only for a special few-that's how I got here on time. Guess you could wait for that, or ALLOW for driving time in your schedule.
Boy, Yalom couldn't be more right with his term "delusion of specialness."
"My parents got divorced so I haven't had a good role model for relationships."
Yeah? Well you and every other jerk who uses that excuse for being chicken shit or an asshole when it comes to dating.
"Dating is so hard for me."
Yeah, and it's a breeze for the rest of us-we're just living in a romantic comedy over here.
"I don't do well with rejection."
Really, cuz it's my favorite part of asking guys out!
"I'm not a morning person."
Well I'd like to lounge around in bed all morning too but I'm an ADULT and I have to be somewhere in the mornings to make a living. Try going to bed EARLIER.
"I'm a visual learner."
Yeah, cuz it's easier to just get the information from watching it on television or looking at a graph for a minute, rather than spending the 30 minutes reading the research article.
"Sorry I didn't get that to you, I've been busy."
Yeah, and I'm just basking in free time over here. But I use a PLANNER so that I can follow-through.
"I wish I could be creative and get paid for it."
Yeah, you and everyone else with a pulse.
"I try to be a spontaneous person-life happens when you're making plans."
Well maybe that's why you don't accomplish much.
"Sorry I'm late, the traffic was crazy!"
Well, the secret is, the technology to be able to beam ourselves places has been available for like 30 years now, but only for a special few-that's how I got here on time. Guess you could wait for that, or ALLOW for driving time in your schedule.
Boy, Yalom couldn't be more right with his term "delusion of specialness."
Roommates
It is amazing how much living with someone can lead you to dislike the person. In fact, I'm amazed at how quickly I have gone from liking roommates to hating them. Nothing like trying to share living space to help that to happen, no sirree bob. It's with roommates that I realize how uncommon common sense actually is:
-You want to let the dish soak if you're not going to wash it right away. Amazing how that makes for quicker cleaning now doesn't it? Unless you want to eat from a plate with food stuck on it.
-See, you want to dump the dishes on the side of the sink where the garbage disposal is, to make it easier to get rid of the food. But I guess some people like picking pieces of food out from the sink.
-You want to wet the towel BEFORE wiping the counter, unless you WANT to wipe the counter with the very food you are trying to clean up.
-Larger dishes go on the bottom part of the dishwasher and cups go on the TOP.
-Do you have to take up two rows in the dishwasher for ONE bowl?
-Generally it's best, in terms of saving energy and soap, to wait to start the dishwasher until it's FULL.
-See, there is a mug tree where you can put the mugs when you're unloading the dishwasher. Saves some cupboard space so that you don't have to sift threw glasses to get to a mug.
-Is chewing with one's mouth closed too difficult for people? Do they not HEAR their lips smacking together??? Do they LIKE the sound?
I'm surprised it takes most couples as long as it does before they finally file for divorce.
-You want to let the dish soak if you're not going to wash it right away. Amazing how that makes for quicker cleaning now doesn't it? Unless you want to eat from a plate with food stuck on it.
-See, you want to dump the dishes on the side of the sink where the garbage disposal is, to make it easier to get rid of the food. But I guess some people like picking pieces of food out from the sink.
-You want to wet the towel BEFORE wiping the counter, unless you WANT to wipe the counter with the very food you are trying to clean up.
-Larger dishes go on the bottom part of the dishwasher and cups go on the TOP.
-Do you have to take up two rows in the dishwasher for ONE bowl?
-Generally it's best, in terms of saving energy and soap, to wait to start the dishwasher until it's FULL.
-See, there is a mug tree where you can put the mugs when you're unloading the dishwasher. Saves some cupboard space so that you don't have to sift threw glasses to get to a mug.
-Is chewing with one's mouth closed too difficult for people? Do they not HEAR their lips smacking together??? Do they LIKE the sound?
I'm surprised it takes most couples as long as it does before they finally file for divorce.
Spoon rest
So the spoon rest, or whatever it's called, can be added to the list of crap that we buy that we really don't need. It's the thing people keep on their stove tops on which to place the utensil with which they're cooking.
Why?
So you don't get a little bit of food on the stove top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
So you don't get a little bit of food on the pan lid? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
So you don't get a little bit of food on the counter top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
No matter what, there's going to be something to clean. It makes more sense to put the cooking utensil on a paper towel that you can just throw away, doesn't it?
Why?
So you don't get a little bit of food on the stove top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
So you don't get a little bit of food on the pan lid? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
So you don't get a little bit of food on the counter top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.
No matter what, there's going to be something to clean. It makes more sense to put the cooking utensil on a paper towel that you can just throw away, doesn't it?
Travel
So it's 2007. That means it's after the 1940's. Meaning technology is supposed to be more advanced. Meaning things should be faster, better and prettier, am I right? Otherwise, what the hell are we doing here on earth and what the hell are we paying for? Instead, things are slower, worse and not as pretty, at least when it comes to air travel.
For what is supposed to be just a 2 hour flight, it took me 9 hours to get from my airport to my destination because they decide there is a problem with the plane AFTER all passengers have boarded, mind you. We backed away from the gate twice and still could not leave because they kept finding problems. So we de-planed and got on a different plane.
NINE hours. NOT faster.
These days you don't get the meals you request ahead of time. And I was on an old plane where we did not have our own tv screens, and the headphones didn't work.
NOT better.
And of course while we're sitting on the runway as they're trying to figure out what's wrong with the plane, the AC is not on. So I'm hot and sweaty.
Definitely NOT prettier.
For what is supposed to be just a 2 hour flight, it took me 9 hours to get from my airport to my destination because they decide there is a problem with the plane AFTER all passengers have boarded, mind you. We backed away from the gate twice and still could not leave because they kept finding problems. So we de-planed and got on a different plane.
NINE hours. NOT faster.
These days you don't get the meals you request ahead of time. And I was on an old plane where we did not have our own tv screens, and the headphones didn't work.
NOT better.
And of course while we're sitting on the runway as they're trying to figure out what's wrong with the plane, the AC is not on. So I'm hot and sweaty.
Definitely NOT prettier.
Children at Heart
There is nothing like air travel to turn [seemingly functional] adults into children.
You have to eat what they give you (requesting a vegan meal gives you looks like you have 2 heads), you get woken up from a great nap to eat the crap they give you, they decide what you watch on tv, you eat like you're on a high chair (with a seat belt and little room to move), and you can't understand one freakin' thing over the intercom that they try to tell you.
Then you somehow, miraculously, make it to baggage claim. Here's where we really act like children. Everyone has to be right NEXT to the carousel and nobody can seem to realize that if everyone just stepped back a couple feet, everyone could see their bags coming. I mean, you don't have to be right by the carousel unless you're going to actually get your bag!
It's amazing the behavior we resort to just to get someplace.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
You have to eat what they give you (requesting a vegan meal gives you looks like you have 2 heads), you get woken up from a great nap to eat the crap they give you, they decide what you watch on tv, you eat like you're on a high chair (with a seat belt and little room to move), and you can't understand one freakin' thing over the intercom that they try to tell you.
Then you somehow, miraculously, make it to baggage claim. Here's where we really act like children. Everyone has to be right NEXT to the carousel and nobody can seem to realize that if everyone just stepped back a couple feet, everyone could see their bags coming. I mean, you don't have to be right by the carousel unless you're going to actually get your bag!
It's amazing the behavior we resort to just to get someplace.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Reality TV
Why, why do people get into reality tv? I mean, isn't the concept a bit of an oxymoron? Why do you want to see something real on tv when you have your life? Your life's not real enough?
My cat
My cat really hates other cats. She is the sweetest thing in the world, but man do you see a different side to her when she's faced with another of her kind. One time she saw a cat outside the window and she started screaming, hitting the blinds, and peeing on the floor all at the same time!
So if she hates cats so much, why doesn't she scream when she sees herself in the mirror???
So if she hates cats so much, why doesn't she scream when she sees herself in the mirror???
MSN Messenger,
"...is still running!!!!!!!!"
Whew, glad I was warned about that. For a second there I thought I missed a very important message.
Whew, glad I was warned about that. For a second there I thought I missed a very important message.
Empathetic
Empathetic. Empathetic. EmPATHETIC?
What, so this word means counselors are feeling for their pathetic clients? I swear if I hear the word said that way one more time...
Folks, the word is EmPATHIC. Get it right.
Okay, so the dictionary has both. But still, empathic just sounds better, so still, get it right.
What, so this word means counselors are feeling for their pathetic clients? I swear if I hear the word said that way one more time...
Folks, the word is EmPATHIC. Get it right.
Okay, so the dictionary has both. But still, empathic just sounds better, so still, get it right.
Customer Service
Not only was Seinfeld right on about how we over-thank in our culture, but there is also the the thank you that lasts too LONG, particular in conversations with customer service representatives (CSR). For example, here's a transcript if you will:
Me: Great, that helps a lot, thank you for your help.
CSR: You're welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, I think that's it, thanks.
CSR: Now we have this offer going right now for a 30-day free trial.. (add your typical solicitation babble here).
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested at this time.
CSR: Now remember, the free trial period does include...
Me: That's okay, I'm still not interested, but I'll keep it in mind.
CSR: Okay, anything else I can help with?
Me: Nope, that was it, thanks.
CSR: Not a problem, now you can call us back at this number if you have any other questions.
Me: Thanks, I'll do that.
CSR: Now you have a good day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
CSR: Thanks, and have a happy Easter.
Me: Thank you, you too.
CSR: Thanks and take care.
Funny how such a drawn-out ending to a conversation has replaced the simple BYE. It's gotten to be so annoying for me that now I find myself hanging up on the SOB's (aka CSR's).
And what is the deal with the voice recognition voice response systems? E.g. If that is the correct number, press 1 or say "yes." Because half the time the damn thing doesn't understand you and you have to repeat it anyway. How is that faster or easier than just pressing 1??
Me: Great, that helps a lot, thank you for your help.
CSR: You're welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, I think that's it, thanks.
CSR: Now we have this offer going right now for a 30-day free trial.. (add your typical solicitation babble here).
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested at this time.
CSR: Now remember, the free trial period does include...
Me: That's okay, I'm still not interested, but I'll keep it in mind.
CSR: Okay, anything else I can help with?
Me: Nope, that was it, thanks.
CSR: Not a problem, now you can call us back at this number if you have any other questions.
Me: Thanks, I'll do that.
CSR: Now you have a good day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
CSR: Thanks, and have a happy Easter.
Me: Thank you, you too.
CSR: Thanks and take care.
Funny how such a drawn-out ending to a conversation has replaced the simple BYE. It's gotten to be so annoying for me that now I find myself hanging up on the SOB's (aka CSR's).
And what is the deal with the voice recognition voice response systems? E.g. If that is the correct number, press 1 or say "yes." Because half the time the damn thing doesn't understand you and you have to repeat it anyway. How is that faster or easier than just pressing 1??
Neckties
Ever wonder what neckties are for? I mean, why do men wear them? Where did they come from? What do they DO?
Sandwiches
What's the deal with sandwiches? I mean, they should be easy to eat, where you can hold them through the entire eating process. But, when can we stop calling some sandwiches sandwiches? Some are too tall to fit into your mouth, others are so gooey that you have to eat them with a knife and fork so that you don't get sauce dripping down your hands. Even some burritos: I mean, there is no way you can hold them and eat them; you're pretty much just eating the stuffing with a fork as the tortilla gets torn up.
I'm sorry, a sandwich or burrito is something I can eat with my hands. Otherwise, some restaurants might as well just chop up the bread or tortilla and just toss it with the stuff that's supposed to be in the middle.
I'm sorry, a sandwich or burrito is something I can eat with my hands. Otherwise, some restaurants might as well just chop up the bread or tortilla and just toss it with the stuff that's supposed to be in the middle.
Sunglasses
What's the deal with the style for sunglasses these days? They are huge ass glasses that cover up half the face and make people look like aliens. It's like "Look everyone, I have eyes! I have eyes! Ooo, look at me with my cool shades!" I mean do you HAVE to have such huge ass sunglasses to shield your eyes from the sun? I mean, I wouldn't want to have a second purse just so I have a place to keep them!
Red cones
There is not a single fucking street where construction isn't being done. It's just become the expectation that you can double your commute time because of the "work" being done.
I think they're blocking off lanes with those red cones only because they have nowhere else to put them.
I think they're blocking off lanes with those red cones only because they have nowhere else to put them.
Wipers
Why aren't windshield wipers for the back windshield standard for all cars? If the seatbelt is standard for safety reasons, back windshield wipers should be too.
We can put a man on the moon, but I can't see out my back windshield when it's pouring down rain.
We can put a man on the moon, but I can't see out my back windshield when it's pouring down rain.
Technology
So what's the point of technology? I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier. But how much easier are our lives because of it? I send an email and the person doesn't get it, so I have to send it again. I leave a message on a co-worker's phone. Does he call back? No. Another co-worker said he'd get it faster if I called his cell. So I call and leave a message on his cell. Does he call me back? No. Not a biggie that time because I got the answer to my question myself. I leave another message on his cell last night. Does he call me back? No. I call his office phone this morning and first ask, "Hey, did you get the message I left on your cell last night?" "No, I didn't get it!" he answered.
Computer crashes, projectors that need bulbs, printers that need cartridges, copiers that never work.......technology's kinda like bad sex. It's there, but what's the point?
Computer crashes, projectors that need bulbs, printers that need cartridges, copiers that never work.......technology's kinda like bad sex. It's there, but what's the point?
Orchestras
NOW I finally understand the purpose of the conductor at the symphony. He's there to give us some action to watch. Think about it, the faces of the musicians are so stoic, and you don't need to watch them anyway because you just want to hear the music, right? I mean if you notice, no matter the tone of the music they're playing, whether it be happy, sad, upbeat, suspenseful, they have the same expressionless faces!
So, while we listen to the music, the conductor is just there to give us more expressions to see. I swear, I was at the symphony last night and the conductor had more facial expressions that fit with the music than any of the musicians. And this I saw WITH his back to us of course! But you could just see how much he was getting into the music and when I was able to see his profile, it had more expression than the musicians.
Because why else does the conductor exist? After all that practice, would the musicians really NOT know when to play what???
So, while we listen to the music, the conductor is just there to give us more expressions to see. I swear, I was at the symphony last night and the conductor had more facial expressions that fit with the music than any of the musicians. And this I saw WITH his back to us of course! But you could just see how much he was getting into the music and when I was able to see his profile, it had more expression than the musicians.
Because why else does the conductor exist? After all that practice, would the musicians really NOT know when to play what???
Chopsticks
Why do people try to eat Chinese food with chopsticks? Why? Why do you try? It's kind of like that DARE motto for kids: using chopsticks does NOT make you look cool. Want to know why? Because people do it for the very goal of looking cool. Because I guess that makes you more cultured, or fancy, or high-brow, or whatever. Oooo, look at meeee, I'm so coooool, I can pick up rice with sticks.
And that's just it, with rice you can't use the chopsticks as easily and people give up when it's time to eat the rice anyway. Or they look so lame trying to scoop up the little rice kernels at the end onto the chopsticks.
Folks, as a human race we have evolved to the point of creating things that make life easier for us. If we're capable of that evolution, I think that means we can guiltlessly use the very utensils we have invented. Feel free to use the never-failing FORK. I mean hell, you can buy forks in China now too!
So I don't try to fake being able to use chopsticks. I go right for the fork and like your typical American, I enjoy scarfing down my food.
And that's just it, with rice you can't use the chopsticks as easily and people give up when it's time to eat the rice anyway. Or they look so lame trying to scoop up the little rice kernels at the end onto the chopsticks.
Folks, as a human race we have evolved to the point of creating things that make life easier for us. If we're capable of that evolution, I think that means we can guiltlessly use the very utensils we have invented. Feel free to use the never-failing FORK. I mean hell, you can buy forks in China now too!
So I don't try to fake being able to use chopsticks. I go right for the fork and like your typical American, I enjoy scarfing down my food.
Red lights
WHY do people edge up at red lights?? If a guy is on my ass when I'm at a red light, I'll move up a bit to increase the distance between us for safety, and the moron follows me. WHERE do you think you're going? You think kissing my ass is going to make the green light come sooner?
No pun intended.
No pun intended.
Grad student
You know you're a grad student when things like loading the dishwasher or doing laundry are breaks from work.
Fees
So now they have a September 11th security fee as part of the charges of a plane ticket. Can you believe this? They're charging customers for something that's already part of their job anyway, to protect them. I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but security existed prior to September 11th, yes? I swear, any stupid, fucking reason to make money off of people. No wait, it's not a stupid reason, it's a sad one actually, using a tragedy mind you, to make money.
Well hell, if organizations want to capitalize on others' tragedies when it is normally their JOB anyway, then why the fuck can't I charge people for their screw-ups? And I'm not talking about just any screw-up, but ones that affect work deadlines and my productivity. Here are my charges for each time the event happens:
-Not returning phone calls: $50
-Not returning emails: $1000 (this is easier because you don't have to actually talk to people, so less of an excuse, and higher charge for this one)
-Not doing your job period: $1500
-Being an annoying little cricket who just likes to hear themselves talk: $5000
-Using poor students to do something that you as an instructor should be taking care of: $20,000
-Being condescending: $25,000
-Not knowing how to use your turn signal: $50,000
I'd be a millionaire by now.
Well hell, if organizations want to capitalize on others' tragedies when it is normally their JOB anyway, then why the fuck can't I charge people for their screw-ups? And I'm not talking about just any screw-up, but ones that affect work deadlines and my productivity. Here are my charges for each time the event happens:
-Not returning phone calls: $50
-Not returning emails: $1000 (this is easier because you don't have to actually talk to people, so less of an excuse, and higher charge for this one)
-Not doing your job period: $1500
-Being an annoying little cricket who just likes to hear themselves talk: $5000
-Using poor students to do something that you as an instructor should be taking care of: $20,000
-Being condescending: $25,000
-Not knowing how to use your turn signal: $50,000
I'd be a millionaire by now.
Phlegm
Now I know that when you cough up or blow out clear phlegm it's a good thing, means no infection and you're healthy. But I have to say, I feel better if I hack up something interesting that's more yellow or green. Because then it makes the cough, or blowing my nose, feel so much more productive. I mean sometimes I'm doing it so often that it seems futile if the stuff is clear, but it's more interesting if I have some colors to see.
Well, green is my favorite color. :)
Well, green is my favorite color. :)
Tomato soup
Why is tomato soup so special and why do people like it so much? It's kind of bland if you think about it, nothing of substance in it. It's not really a food item. Other more filling soups can be considered as food, like minestrone or gumbo, but isn't tomato soup just hot tomato juice?
Chicken
A friend of mine brought up such a good point today:
If everything tastes like chicken, then what does chicken taste like???
If everything tastes like chicken, then what does chicken taste like???
Shopping carts
We can put a man on the moon, but in the past 5 years, I think I have used only one shopping cart at the grocery store that was easy to push.
Panda Express
It's amazing how despite how long we've had the knife, that some things are cut too big for us to be able to eat. I was at the airport craving Panda Express, and one of the things I got was veggie stir fry. Anyone want to explain to me WHY the broccoli pieces are so fucking huge? HOW do they expect us to eat them? And, they're not easy to cut with a PLASTIC knife mind you. Is it too much to ask to cut them smaller before making the stir fry?
Kids' ticket prices
WHY do kids' tickets at touristy place cost less??? They cry, fight, are slow, make a mess, cause more aggravation for the adults, and probably don't want to be there as much as adults. The really young ones won't even remember the experience. So, their tickets should cost MORE.
Is it because they take up less space? In that case, ticket prices should be based on size, not age. I'm probably about as big as an 8 year-old, but I complain less. So, I should pay half the price.
Is it because they take up less space? In that case, ticket prices should be based on size, not age. I'm probably about as big as an 8 year-old, but I complain less. So, I should pay half the price.
Space travel
Isn't it funny how we've been sending men into space since the 60's, before some technologies have been common such as the internet, ipods and Xbox? It just seems like sending someone to the moon would be more difficult than those.
And, we can put a man on the moon, but not all places will have soy milk for my coffee!!!!!
And, we can put a man on the moon, but not all places will have soy milk for my coffee!!!!!
White t-shirt
Notice how it's hard to find something simple anymore when you're shopping for clothes? Yesterday I was shopping and just wanted a PLAIN white t-shirt. That's it. No colors, no designs, no stupid little frills, no curly q's on the neckline or arms, just a plain white t-shirt. Could I find one? No.
I also just want plain flip-flops. But notice how flip flops these days have glittery stuff on the straps, or beads, or funky colors? Argh...I just want FLIP FLOPS!
But noooo, these annoying *like* teeny boppers are *like* taking over the department stores.
I also just want plain flip-flops. But notice how flip flops these days have glittery stuff on the straps, or beads, or funky colors? Argh...I just want FLIP FLOPS!
But noooo, these annoying *like* teeny boppers are *like* taking over the department stores.
Directions
Now how long ago do you think it was discovered that the Earth has north and south poles? 50 years ago? No. 75 years ago? No. 150 years ago? No. Okay, so I don't have the actual answer. But I would wager that it was a long time ago. Hey, the Chinese are smart, so it's even possible that they discovered the poles like 10, 000 years ago (or something like that).
Well, have you ever noticed how (despite us knowing that the poles exist for so long) that people STILL do not know their north, south, east and west? And let me just say that obtaining directions to go somewhere from these people is a pain in the ass. "As you're driving down Broadway, it'll be on your right hand side." or "Turn left after the gas station." In case you don't know, left and right has no fucking meaning because it can change based on which way you're driving.
And also, have you ever noticed that people point the directions while indoors? "The store is that way." Well, uh, I'm sorry, but the way you pointed is the kitchen. I mean come on, once I'm inside and I've turned all different directions between the rooms, I no longer know which way I'm facing, so just give me the location based on north, south, east or west!
Just my 2 cents worth...
Well, have you ever noticed how (despite us knowing that the poles exist for so long) that people STILL do not know their north, south, east and west? And let me just say that obtaining directions to go somewhere from these people is a pain in the ass. "As you're driving down Broadway, it'll be on your right hand side." or "Turn left after the gas station." In case you don't know, left and right has no fucking meaning because it can change based on which way you're driving.
And also, have you ever noticed that people point the directions while indoors? "The store is that way." Well, uh, I'm sorry, but the way you pointed is the kitchen. I mean come on, once I'm inside and I've turned all different directions between the rooms, I no longer know which way I'm facing, so just give me the location based on north, south, east or west!
Just my 2 cents worth...
Eyebrow gell
So I just heard of the existence of eyebrow gell. Eyebrow gell. Where are the women who use this working? A place with such high winds that their EYEBROW hairs blow around all over the place??
Humming
WHY do people hum???? Why? First off, it's annoying to those of us who have to hear it. Second, isn't it more fun and gratifying to just SING the song??? That would be much less annoying. And if you're worried about sounding bad, who cares?? If you sing in your office, you don't have to worry about losing a chance at a Grammy now do you?
Stupidity
Maybe the reason humans are so stupid is because we have such low expectations of each other. Think about the signs we read everyday:
"No weapons allowed on campus." (okay, good for me to know, and my guess is that those who want to bring the weapons could give a rats ass.)
"Shirts and shoes required." (so, I can come half-naked????)
I also love how the trash cans thank us for throwing our trash away. Imagine that, getting thanked for being civil.
And did you ever think about how at basketball games when the home team is winning they have signs flash that say "cheer!" "clap!" "shout out loud!". Guess we have to be prompted to do that too.
The bar has reaaaaaaaalllllly been lowered.
"No weapons allowed on campus." (okay, good for me to know, and my guess is that those who want to bring the weapons could give a rats ass.)
"Shirts and shoes required." (so, I can come half-naked????)
I also love how the trash cans thank us for throwing our trash away. Imagine that, getting thanked for being civil.
And did you ever think about how at basketball games when the home team is winning they have signs flash that say "cheer!" "clap!" "shout out loud!". Guess we have to be prompted to do that too.
The bar has reaaaaaaaalllllly been lowered.
Life goals
If only I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say they want to be in a band, or write a screenplay on the story of their life. Reeeeaaaal original.
Sweaters
Is it just me, or does anyone else's brain get boggled by those sleeveless turtleneck sweaters? Think about it. SleeveLESS turtleneck sweaters. What's the point? It's like, should I be warm because of the turtleneck, or cool because they're sleeveless? I get confused just by seeing someone wear one, not to mention if I was to wear one myself.
It's kinda like boots with mini-skirts too!! Why?? What's the point???
I'm sorry, but when you live in a place that's like an oven, comfort (and comfort alone) is what you go for.
It's kinda like boots with mini-skirts too!! Why?? What's the point???
I'm sorry, but when you live in a place that's like an oven, comfort (and comfort alone) is what you go for.
Hair
So supposedly we Americans make fun of the French for not using hair products. But have you seen the show Grey's Anatomy? Dr. Grey, who is the lead character, I'm sorry, probably has the sorriest hair I've ever seen. Flat, thin, no body at all. And in my book she's not particularly attractive, so how she's the lead is beyond me.
Here's this popular show that takes millions to make, probably makes billions in return (because God knows we don't have enough shows about hospitals), and they can't afford to get this actress a hair dresser????
Here's this popular show that takes millions to make, probably makes billions in return (because God knows we don't have enough shows about hospitals), and they can't afford to get this actress a hair dresser????
Salary
I learned from someone today that the butcher at Costco earns something like $25/hour.
A butcher.
They cut up things that used to be alive.
I work as a counselor, dealing with people's lives, and sometimes dealing with crisis situations like rape and suicide.
I make $9/hour.
And, I'm vegetarian.
I just realized,
I am probably in one of the worst financial positions possible.
Go figure.
A butcher.
They cut up things that used to be alive.
I work as a counselor, dealing with people's lives, and sometimes dealing with crisis situations like rape and suicide.
I make $9/hour.
And, I'm vegetarian.
I just realized,
I am probably in one of the worst financial positions possible.
Go figure.
Cotton Candy
Okay, I just don't get the point of cotton candy-I'm sorry. What's the fun in it? Just because it's soft and big and pink? But it doesn't give you the satisfaction of really eating anything because you can't CHEW it. And it's just sugar so it doesn't give you the satisfaction of crunching anything, like chips, or eating anything with sustenance like curly fries (yummm, curly fries).
Hell, I don't get the fascination with Twizzlers either, but at least you have the satisfaction of chewing those.
Hell, I don't get the fascination with Twizzlers either, but at least you have the satisfaction of chewing those.
Animal in a mug
Have you ever seen anything as stupid as an animal in a mug? These are those cheesy, corny gift items you can find at a Hallmark store: a mug with a little stuffed animal inside. And the miniature ones are worse. The mug is too small to drink coffee out of (what life is about) and you can't cuddle with those stupid little stuffed animals. And then there are ones with the message "Get well soon." How the hell is LOOKING at something you can't cuddle with, interact with, nor drink coffee out of supposed to make you feel better???
Boss's Day
We have a Boss's Day? Does anyone but me find this to be ridiculous? Isn't EVERY day boss's day? I mean who the hell else are we working for?
What we need is a student day. Yes, a poor starving student day...
What we need is a student day. Yes, a poor starving student day...
The digital clock
Why is it that when you look at a digital clock and the time says 5:15 that it seems like you have a lot of time before the half-hour, and when it says 5:16, you automatically round that up to 5:20 in your mind, and so it seems like you have a lot less time, even though that is only a ONE minute difference????
Drives me nuts...
Drives me nuts...
Actors
Ever notice how when people watch a tv show or a movie and they recognize an actor, they whisper to their friend or partner, "Hey, that's the guy from the other movie!" Or, "She was also the one who played so-and-so in that show back in the 80's!"
I admit it, I'm one of those people. But think about it, we say those things in such an excited way. I mean we are so SURPRISED that an actor or actress has been in something ELSE. Uh, that's kinda their job, so why are we so surprised when we see them elsewhere?
I admit it, I'm one of those people. But think about it, we say those things in such an excited way. I mean we are so SURPRISED that an actor or actress has been in something ELSE. Uh, that's kinda their job, so why are we so surprised when we see them elsewhere?
Whole bean coffee
Okay, so one of the stupidest things I've seen is how they sell whole bean coffee. Why, why does it exist? It takes so much longer to make it if you have to grind it before you can brew it-WHO wants to do that when they need to wake up first thing in the morning???
I bought some coffee and went to open the package for the first time this morning. I opened it and it was like "doh!" (add Homer Simpson voice here). That is one of the most annoying things, when you buy something you're excited about but then can't have it because you didn't pay attention to the writing on the package to make sure it is in fact what you want to buy. My boyfriend has a grinder at his house, but I don't want to take the time to grind it first!
So I said "Fuck, I'll just go home and drink coffee." And hence the lovely Saturday of an irritable graduate student had begun...
I bought some coffee and went to open the package for the first time this morning. I opened it and it was like "doh!" (add Homer Simpson voice here). That is one of the most annoying things, when you buy something you're excited about but then can't have it because you didn't pay attention to the writing on the package to make sure it is in fact what you want to buy. My boyfriend has a grinder at his house, but I don't want to take the time to grind it first!
So I said "Fuck, I'll just go home and drink coffee." And hence the lovely Saturday of an irritable graduate student had begun...
Freeways
Why are they called freeways when you don't feel very FREE on them in rush-hour traffic? I've been taking surface streets during rush hour for a while because it's faster than the freeways. When I was driving home and saw the back-up in the other direction, I was thinking, "So do these people wake up in the morning and make a conscious decision to just SIT on the on-ramp for 20 minutes???" Of course, if we all took surface streets, then it would be the same situation on those routes during rush hour. But think about HOW many people choose to sit in their cars during rush hour!
And don't even get me started on the curiosity factor. It once took me twice as long to get home and why? Not because construction was going on or traffic had be diverted for some reason. No, it was because people were purposely SLOWING DOWN to look at an accident, and I happened to be the chump to get on the freeway a half and hour later.
If we are so frickin' self-centered with our fast-paced lifestyle today, then why do we slow down to just look at an accident? There are a lot of other things I'm curious about, I'm sorry. I mean think about it, we ask people "How are things going?" without wanting a real answer, yet get somewhere late because we want to just LOOK at an accident when it is just another one in a million???
And don't even get me started on the curiosity factor. It once took me twice as long to get home and why? Not because construction was going on or traffic had be diverted for some reason. No, it was because people were purposely SLOWING DOWN to look at an accident, and I happened to be the chump to get on the freeway a half and hour later.
If we are so frickin' self-centered with our fast-paced lifestyle today, then why do we slow down to just look at an accident? There are a lot of other things I'm curious about, I'm sorry. I mean think about it, we ask people "How are things going?" without wanting a real answer, yet get somewhere late because we want to just LOOK at an accident when it is just another one in a million???
Bathing suits
Okay so we don't want to show our underwear to just anyone, but we'll pretty much wear our bathing suits in front of anyone? I mean, these days, bathing suits are such that they cover less than underwear sometimes. So I'll walk around my boyfriend's house in a bathing suit where his friends can see me, but I won't walk around in my underwear? Why not? My underwear covers just as much as the bathing suit does. Hell a towel covers more than the bathing suit does too. And these days you have THONG bathing suits. Sheesh.
We should just go swimming in underwear. That'll save the hassle of shopping for a suit and will also save money. And it will probably make my boyfriend happier too.
We should just go swimming in underwear. That'll save the hassle of shopping for a suit and will also save money. And it will probably make my boyfriend happier too.
Love seat
Why is a love seat called a "love" seat? One, there's not enough room to make love on it. Two, chances are, people who own a furniture set that includes a love seat probably have been together long enough to where they wouldn't even want to sit together on the "love seat."
So there you have it, it needs a new name.
So there you have it, it needs a new name.
Bathroom
Have you noticed how many people put magazines in their bathrooms? And not like 1 or 2, but there will be racks with like 10. I mean come ON, how much time are you planning on spending in the bathroom? You just want to sit on the toilet and read for a half an hour? Why not wait to go to the bathroom until you actually have to go, and then you can read more comfortably on your bed or the sofa? I must be crazy but hanging out in the bathroom is not quite my thing, sheesh.
Office Space
Have you seen the movie Office Space? Well, I experienced it yesterday even though I'm NOT working in a cubicle environment anymore. I have just a 6-mile commute to school and it took me 35 minutes, even with avoiding the freeway during morning traffic. There was a guy walking on the sidewalk who was going faster than me!
Then, something happened to me which I do not believe is in the movie. At a staff meeting, some people were sounding to me like Charlie Brown's mother (add sound effect here). I SWEAR, I cannot stand people who like to hear themselves talk. They think they're the shit and don't stick to the agenda. All they had to do was introduce themselves, describe their position, and give a brief description of their work experience and strengths. I swear these people were going on and on about so much more, to the point where I think I checked-out until I had to introduce myself.
For those who like to hear themselves talk: why don't you guys just record yourself once so that you can listen to yourself on tape whenever you want? That way you don't waste our time!
Then, something happened to me which I do not believe is in the movie. At a staff meeting, some people were sounding to me like Charlie Brown's mother (add sound effect here). I SWEAR, I cannot stand people who like to hear themselves talk. They think they're the shit and don't stick to the agenda. All they had to do was introduce themselves, describe their position, and give a brief description of their work experience and strengths. I swear these people were going on and on about so much more, to the point where I think I checked-out until I had to introduce myself.
For those who like to hear themselves talk: why don't you guys just record yourself once so that you can listen to yourself on tape whenever you want? That way you don't waste our time!
DVDs
I'm sorry, but I still don't see the benefit of DVDs over VHS tapes. First off, of all the DVDs I've watched, only ONE has had coming attractions. That is part of the fun of watching a movie, is seeing trailers. And, last night, the DVD we watched had the previews at the beginning, but then you don't really have the option of stopping the DVD and fast-forwarding through them if you want, the way you can with a tape. Yes, you can fast forward, or "search" as it's called, but it's still not that fast and you have to watch while it's doing it, as opposed to just stopping a tape and watching the counter while it fast-forwards. Oh yeah, and then at the end of the movie, the DVD kept freezing and skipping and so we had to start over, watch the damn trailers again, then skip the scene that had problems, and select the next scene. With tapes, you don't have the freezing and skipping problem, now do you? I can't tell you how many times I've had that problem with DVDs I've rented.
Second, many, even comedies, do not provide the option of viewing outtakes. Watching outtakes is a large part of the fun for me in watching anything. So if the DVD offers a menu of things to choose from, then WHY don't many offer the option of watching outtakes? What's the point of technology if it doesn't provide what it is perfectly capable of providing?
Third, not only are these two things often not options with DVDs, but they almost ALWAYS provide an option to view deleted scenes! Now if you notice, the deleted scenes usually suck and at least I anyway, don't get through watching them all. Well duh, they were DELETED scenes. They obviously for whatever reason were not kept in the movie. Otherwise they would not be deleted and they'd be IN the movie. So if they were deleted, why do we want to watch them? They need to be deleted from the DVD too for crying out loud.
Oh I get it, owning something just BECAUSE it's available in stores is a status symbol. Everyone HAS to have the latest technology without thinking about if there is truly a benefit. Fine, go ahead and make fun of me for still using my VCR and viewing my tapes, but remember that I have less of a chance of my movie getting interrupted.
Second, many, even comedies, do not provide the option of viewing outtakes. Watching outtakes is a large part of the fun for me in watching anything. So if the DVD offers a menu of things to choose from, then WHY don't many offer the option of watching outtakes? What's the point of technology if it doesn't provide what it is perfectly capable of providing?
Third, not only are these two things often not options with DVDs, but they almost ALWAYS provide an option to view deleted scenes! Now if you notice, the deleted scenes usually suck and at least I anyway, don't get through watching them all. Well duh, they were DELETED scenes. They obviously for whatever reason were not kept in the movie. Otherwise they would not be deleted and they'd be IN the movie. So if they were deleted, why do we want to watch them? They need to be deleted from the DVD too for crying out loud.
Oh I get it, owning something just BECAUSE it's available in stores is a status symbol. Everyone HAS to have the latest technology without thinking about if there is truly a benefit. Fine, go ahead and make fun of me for still using my VCR and viewing my tapes, but remember that I have less of a chance of my movie getting interrupted.
Condiments
Okay, I thought ketchup and mustard are found together, like salt and pepper. But I guess not cuz these days I only find ketchup on the table in restaurants. Ketchup? Why ketchup? Mustard is so much better. Ketchup is just sweet mushy tomatoes, when so many better things are made with tomatoes like salsa, pico de gallo, and pasta sauce. I ordered a veggie burger last night and I had to ask for the mustard. And the woman looked at me strangely when I asked and it took her a while to bring it! Doesn't ANYONE put mustard on their burgers anymore????
Not to mention the fact that my food was cold and the burger came with a side of COLD steamed broccoli with NOTHING on it. Talk about laziness on part of the chef. How hard is it to butter the broccoli just a TAD?
I mean hell, restaurants put ham in their "minestrone" soup and cheese in frickin' everything without asking-yuk!
Not to mention the fact that my food was cold and the burger came with a side of COLD steamed broccoli with NOTHING on it. Talk about laziness on part of the chef. How hard is it to butter the broccoli just a TAD?
I mean hell, restaurants put ham in their "minestrone" soup and cheese in frickin' everything without asking-yuk!
Terror alert
Notice how we're always hearing updates from the work that intelligence agencies are doing? Today the British intelligence agency decreased their terror threat warning from critical to severe. See any issues with this? Any? First off, how is severe "better" than critical? What does severe mean? That instead of security screens at the airport they'll just let anyone on the plane? And they report it with such confidence. HOW do they know to report the terror threat level? They do it like doing the weather for crying out loud, and it's almost as accurate (or inaccurate, depending on how you look at it). I mean, we didn't have a warning before Sept. 11th happened, yet it did, didn't it?
I guess with animal, instinctual drives, whether they be violence or sex, it's the same thing. It doesn't happen if you plan hard for it, it happens when you least expect it.
I guess with animal, instinctual drives, whether they be violence or sex, it's the same thing. It doesn't happen if you plan hard for it, it happens when you least expect it.
Twins
Why is it that parents dress their twin children up alike? It's like, "Look world, we have twins! Aren't they cute?!" I mean come on, is this some special feat? Don't get me wrong, I understand that caring for twins is twice the work and stress, but it's not like conceiving them took extra work.
And, if you think about it, it's the IDENTICAL twins who are dressed up alike. What, without the same clothes we can't tell they're identical twins?? We need the same outfits to realize the kids look alike? More importantly, wouldn't the parents want to dress them up differently so that they can tell them APART from each other??
And, if you think about it, it's the IDENTICAL twins who are dressed up alike. What, without the same clothes we can't tell they're identical twins?? We need the same outfits to realize the kids look alike? More importantly, wouldn't the parents want to dress them up differently so that they can tell them APART from each other??
The airport
Depending on how you look at it, the airport is either getting more frustrating, or funnier. I thought the point of self check-in stations were to SPEED UP check-in. But noooo, we have to stand in LINE to use those machines. And I didn't even have bags to check-in, I just needed to get my boarding pass. But to do so, I had to wait in line for like 25 minutes with others who had like 20 bags each. So then what's the point of the ticket counter employees? To answer any questions on how to use the machine? Then why have the machine? Your not self checking-in anymore if you need help from someone.
So finally after checking in I go to the bathroom before boarding the plane. Now, if we're supposed to keep our bags attended at all times, then why do the bathroom doors open INTO the stall? It's a pain in the ass trying to get two carry-on bags into the small stall with me so I can pee. Now I'm no genius, but if the doors opened OUT, then we could get the bags in easier and probably reduce the line for the ladies' room.
Then, the TOPPER is that I saw an Amish couple at the airport. Anyone see anything odd about this? The Amish at the airport?? I thought they live without technology and stuff. Isn't an airplane technological? Come to think of it, if there are a lot of Amish in Pennsylvania, and if they do like to travel (this couple is an example after all), you would think we'd be seeing more wagons on our streets.
THEN road rage and traffic accidents would make more sense, because we'd have to share the road with horse-drawn wagons.
So finally after checking in I go to the bathroom before boarding the plane. Now, if we're supposed to keep our bags attended at all times, then why do the bathroom doors open INTO the stall? It's a pain in the ass trying to get two carry-on bags into the small stall with me so I can pee. Now I'm no genius, but if the doors opened OUT, then we could get the bags in easier and probably reduce the line for the ladies' room.
Then, the TOPPER is that I saw an Amish couple at the airport. Anyone see anything odd about this? The Amish at the airport?? I thought they live without technology and stuff. Isn't an airplane technological? Come to think of it, if there are a lot of Amish in Pennsylvania, and if they do like to travel (this couple is an example after all), you would think we'd be seeing more wagons on our streets.
THEN road rage and traffic accidents would make more sense, because we'd have to share the road with horse-drawn wagons.
A girl's dream
Now I don't know how true this is in real life, but you hear in TV shows and movies all the time how little girls in grade school day dream about their perfect wedding, or what kids they will have, and sometimes even what they would name their kids. Is this possible? At this point girls still think boys are gross, and they're dreaming about their weddings? I mean I would think that kids of that age (who don't think to far into the future) have other things to think about.
When I was eight, my goals were getting ice cream, trying to get my parents to buy me a Cabbage Patch doll, and keeping my sister away from my toys.
When I was eight, my goals were getting ice cream, trying to get my parents to buy me a Cabbage Patch doll, and keeping my sister away from my toys.
Pizza slices
Have you ever wondered whose brilliant idea it was to cut pizza into squares? And then have you ever wondered WHY?? I ate a yummy pizza the other day, but the experience was less than perfect because it was cut into SQUARES. Once you get to the inside of the pizza, there's no crust to hold onto while eating, making it a more messy experience. I mean someone like me who is a messy eater as it is needs all the help she can get with keeping her fingers from drowning in sauce. And furthermore, you don't get the satisfaction of eating a pizza with the squares; it feels more like pizza when it's a triangular slice that takes a bit longer to finish (I like to nurse my food and drinks).
This is probably the stupidest thing I've seen since the Clearasil commercials trying to tell you that using the product will reduce pimples in 5 days (uh DUH, the pimples go away in about 5 days with or without the Clearasil, thank you very much).
This is probably the stupidest thing I've seen since the Clearasil commercials trying to tell you that using the product will reduce pimples in 5 days (uh DUH, the pimples go away in about 5 days with or without the Clearasil, thank you very much).
Cable
Ever notice how even with like 200-something channels with cable or satellite, there's still nothing to watch? You flip around just as much. And why do we need like 10 sports channels, 5 golf channels, 8 news channels, and 15 cooking channels? In our fast-food, go-go lifestyle, do people really try out all those recipes? And every news channel talks about what's going on in the middle east, but I don't think they give us new information. It's just more people dying, more bombs, more killings, more bombs, more killings, more hostages, more hostages, more bombs, more killings, more killings....
Instead, there should be like 8 Seinfeld channels, each starting with a different season, and then airing the shows in order, so you can pick at what point you want to watch the series. Now THAT would be worth it.
Instead, there should be like 8 Seinfeld channels, each starting with a different season, and then airing the shows in order, so you can pick at what point you want to watch the series. Now THAT would be worth it.
Sear's Tower
So Sear's Tower is the tallest building in the US, and something like the third tallest in the world. But when we approached it this past weekend while sightseeing, it was disappointing. It's kind of funny what we tend to expect when approaching such a building: that we are not going to be able to see the top, like Jack's beanstalk? And then you spend like an hour and a half in line to buy tickets (which are a useless $15) and stuff, just to get to the top only to spend like 15 minutes up there. Yeah, it's the tallest building in the US, but I'm sorry, after a certain height, the view is the same no matter how high up you are. And then why are people striving to get that high up only to waste change in those telescopes to try to see things closer up? You could see those things closer before; isn't the reason you went up to the tower is to see them from a distance?
And how egotistical of those who operate Sears Tower. The only reason it's the tallest structure is because of the height of it's towers on top. It's not like the floors go up that high. But the pamphlet they give you says "view the world." Good God. We can be so pompous in this country. Like the World Series. Come on, the World Series? Aren't they just the US national baseball finals?
Well, in that case, I'm like 5'8" (if my hair stood straight up) and you can call me Empress of the Universe, thank you very much.
And how egotistical of those who operate Sears Tower. The only reason it's the tallest structure is because of the height of it's towers on top. It's not like the floors go up that high. But the pamphlet they give you says "view the world." Good God. We can be so pompous in this country. Like the World Series. Come on, the World Series? Aren't they just the US national baseball finals?
Well, in that case, I'm like 5'8" (if my hair stood straight up) and you can call me Empress of the Universe, thank you very much.
Competition
Ever notice how passionate people can get when playing a friendly card or board game? I mean, even when we're not playing for money or anything, it can get pretty heated when I play games with friends. We were playing Yuker the other day and the dealer ended up having to call the trump. She was so upset and said something to the effect of, "So are we going to fuck the dealer?" Does it constitute fucking the dealer if no money is involved??? I mean her nonverbals were like she was jeapordizing so much. I'll admit I like to win, but the most fun for me is the bantering and laughter while playing.
Yet, on a game like Jeapardy, they're playing for money but still the game doesn't lead to arguments. I mean they're playing for money! But the people on that show are so stoic, it's hilarious. Now with a game like football it makes sense to have fighting or violence given what the game involves. Or over time we come to expect fights at a hockey game. But what would be really funny and entertaining would be to see verbal battles in Jeapardy: "You fucking asshole, the only reason you're winning is because you get all the easy answers!"
That might motivate those who don't normally watch the show to tune in and increase their general knowledge.
Yet, on a game like Jeapardy, they're playing for money but still the game doesn't lead to arguments. I mean they're playing for money! But the people on that show are so stoic, it's hilarious. Now with a game like football it makes sense to have fighting or violence given what the game involves. Or over time we come to expect fights at a hockey game. But what would be really funny and entertaining would be to see verbal battles in Jeapardy: "You fucking asshole, the only reason you're winning is because you get all the easy answers!"
That might motivate those who don't normally watch the show to tune in and increase their general knowledge.
Excuse me
Why do we bother to say "excuse me" after we sneeze, cough or fart? I mean come on, what is going to happen if the person doesn't excuse us? I doesn't really matter does it, if it has already happened.
Duh.
Duh.
Tennis skirts
Why do female tennis players wear those silly skirt/skort things? I mean in this day and age, women are now wearing pants and shorts like men in their day-to-day lives, but when playing a SPORT which involves running around, we expect them to wear something that looks like a skirt?
Why don't they just wear shorts?
Why don't they just wear shorts?
Coffee and Bailey's
Doesn't putting Bailey's Irish creme in coffee defeat the purpose of coffee? I thought the purpose of coffee was to wake you up, to stimulate you. So then you put liquor in it, which is a depressant? If I want to get drunk, doesn't it make more sense to have a drink that's going to get me there faster? And if I want to wake up after going only on five hours of sleep, don't I want just coffee to wake me up for the day's rat race? Not to mention the fact that the creme ruins the taste of coffee.
So do people put Bailey's in coffee to see which one's going to win, the coffee or the liquor? Has anyone found the answer and care to share?
So do people put Bailey's in coffee to see which one's going to win, the coffee or the liquor? Has anyone found the answer and care to share?
Pens
Okay, one key reason why we're such lazy-asses and don't get much accomplished is because people cannot frickin' figure out how to put PENS in their purses or backpacks, and spend too much time looking for one. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to borrow a pen, I could probably fund my graduate education (yeah right). Anyway, when I worked the front desk of a counseling center at school, I always had students asking if they could borrow a pen. But you're a STUDENT who spends ALL day here! HOW were you planning on getting any work done? And then we'd run out of pens for clients to use to fill out their paperwork-argh.
I co-facilitated a focus group this morning and my partner didn't have a pen, and I was thinking: "But you're carrying a huge ass purse! What the hell is in there if there's no pen???" Pens are one thing we all should have right? Especially when that's about ALL companies give out for free when they're promoting themselves.
So, because we care more about and put more effort into having sex, pens should just be packaged along with condoms. How much am I gonna get for this brilliant idea???
I co-facilitated a focus group this morning and my partner didn't have a pen, and I was thinking: "But you're carrying a huge ass purse! What the hell is in there if there's no pen???" Pens are one thing we all should have right? Especially when that's about ALL companies give out for free when they're promoting themselves.
So, because we care more about and put more effort into having sex, pens should just be packaged along with condoms. How much am I gonna get for this brilliant idea???
Basketball
Isn't it funny how with really tall people, people assume they played basketball, or will play basketball? And they assume that just cuz someone is tall, they'd be good at basketball?
Well DUH, the taller someone is, the greater chance they have of making the basket. It's not rocket science folks. Isn't it more of a feat if a short person plays basketball? Or, why can't there be a basketball game created for those 5'5" and shorter? And to level the playing field when comparing them with the taller players, the basket can just be lowered.
Well DUH, the taller someone is, the greater chance they have of making the basket. It's not rocket science folks. Isn't it more of a feat if a short person plays basketball? Or, why can't there be a basketball game created for those 5'5" and shorter? And to level the playing field when comparing them with the taller players, the basket can just be lowered.
Cell Phones
Okay, so I thought I was the old fogie with old technology. If people in general are so knowledgeable and sophisticated about cell phones and different ring tones and such, then why can't they understand the noises my cell phone makes? First it'll ring. Then, if I wasn't able to answer it, it'll beep telling me I have a voicemail. And that beeping will continue until I acknowledge the new message someone has left me. But do people get that? NO. "Boy, someone really wants to get a hold of you don't they?" they say.
Argh...that's the beeping telling me I have a voicemail!!! And it's not the same sound as my ring tone!!!
Argh...that's the beeping telling me I have a voicemail!!! And it's not the same sound as my ring tone!!!
Sneezing
One thing I never understood is why people try to stifle their sneezes. How does that make you feel better? It's only going to make you want to sneeze more, rather than just getting it over with and all out when your body says it's time to. And some women can be so annoying with that, with their little girly sneezes. I'm like "God, just let it OUT! It's more annoying to hear you try to hold it back!"
So we're in a culture where people don't hold back expletives, run red lights and cut people off in traffic, but SNEEZING is what we hold back with???
So we're in a culture where people don't hold back expletives, run red lights and cut people off in traffic, but SNEEZING is what we hold back with???
Academy Awards
Have you ever wondered why there are Best Actress/Actor or Best Supporting Actress/Actor awards? I mean, I can understand best direction, cinematography, music, screenplay, or film. Those involve creativity and innovation to come up with something new. But best actor or actress? Whenever I watch the awards I think "Well, they all did pretty good, how can they pick just one to get the award?" And some roles require more than others, but within the context of each film, most actors and actresses seem to come through.
And what is the award for? For how well they can recite something in writing, and stand where the director tells them to stand or make a facial expression the director tells them to make? I mean the Tony awards are something to speak of because the actors are putting on a live performance and don't have the luxury of recording and outtakes.
So perhaps the Best Actress/Actor Oscars are based on whose director said "cut!" the least number of times?
And what is the award for? For how well they can recite something in writing, and stand where the director tells them to stand or make a facial expression the director tells them to make? I mean the Tony awards are something to speak of because the actors are putting on a live performance and don't have the luxury of recording and outtakes.
So perhaps the Best Actress/Actor Oscars are based on whose director said "cut!" the least number of times?
Dancing
Have you noticed how when couples "dance" it's not really dancing? I mean, with a slow song, it's more like just swaying back and forth isn't it? It's probably more of an excuse to just breathe down each other's necks. Or even at dance clubs, I wouldn't say that people there dance. They just kinda stay in one place and shake their hips a bit. And it's so crowded that that's all people really are able to do. I would say that ballet dancers or swing dancers actually dance.
Yeah, so most people don't dance. But I guess saying "May I have this dance" is better than "Will you sway with me and let me breathe down your neck?"
Yeah, so most people don't dance. But I guess saying "May I have this dance" is better than "Will you sway with me and let me breathe down your neck?"
Volume
I'm totally like Seinfeld: someone who always gets confused by the plot when watching a movie. I can't speak for him, but in my case it's a tad bit of ADHD. But I swear, the more irritating thing for me with movies is how there is at least one line in EVERY movie, that even after turning the volume ALL the way up, you still can't hear what the hell the person is saying. You turn it all the way up on your VCR or DVD player and it's like "mmfshsha." What the hell is THAT??? Ten bucks to the person who can name me a movie where that isn't an issue.
I swear, the writers do it to make it LOOK like they have a cool phrase in there when in reality, they just didn't know what to write, and thought they could pull one over on us. Well it ain't workin' on me!!
I swear, the writers do it to make it LOOK like they have a cool phrase in there when in reality, they just didn't know what to write, and thought they could pull one over on us. Well it ain't workin' on me!!
Nicorette gum
So now they apparently have Nicorette gum with fruit flavor. Um, I don't think that just because someone smokes, that they didn't like fruit. Now all of a sudden because they discover fruit- flavored gum, THAT'S supposed to help them stop smoking? I would think it'd be possible to like fruit and smoke at the same time. So how the hell is this gum supposed to help? It's supposed to taste like fruit, so how does that take away someone's craving for cigarettes?
Uh, I'm no genius, but here's an idea: Nicorette gum that tastes like CIGARETTES, maybe??
Uh, I'm no genius, but here's an idea: Nicorette gum that tastes like CIGARETTES, maybe??
Strawberries
I really like strawberries. They are one of my favorite fruits. They are great in cereal, to eat just by themselves, on pancakes and waffles, and strawberry jam on toast is sometimes good too. But I don't GET the concept of chocolate-covered strawberries. I'll tell you why: the chocolate takes over and takes away the taste of the strawberry. And only in the first bite do you get to eat both the chocolate and strawberry together. After that, as you try to take additional bites (cuz these strawberries tend to be huge), the chocolate crumbles off and you eat just the strawberry anyway. I was eating one last night and it was so annoying, because the chocolate pieces kept falling off as I tried to eat it.
So how are chocolate-covered strawberries that much different than having just the strawberries and pieces of chocolate sitting next to each other on a plate? Then you can have both great flavors without them ruining each other.
So how are chocolate-covered strawberries that much different than having just the strawberries and pieces of chocolate sitting next to each other on a plate? Then you can have both great flavors without them ruining each other.
PUP
Why the FUCK does my computer keep saying "PUP found"????!!!!! It is so annoying to keep seeing that damn window and have to deal with it before I work on something.
As long as my computer is going out looking for stuff, why doesn't it go looking for something I can use? Like a winning lottery ticket!
As long as my computer is going out looking for stuff, why doesn't it go looking for something I can use? Like a winning lottery ticket!
Cups
You know, the size and type of cup used to drink a cup of coffee makes a huge difference in the coffee drinking experience. Have you heard of this? It's so true, I just realized. I've collected a few mugs over the years and I use my bigger mugs more now. And the ones with the shape of being narrow at the bottom and wide at the top are fun to use. Yesterday I had a cup of coffee in one of my older cups and just didn't enjoy it as much. It just didn't taste good. Amazing how the cup matters both in how the coffee tastes and how you feel as you drink it.
So I guess size does matter.
So I guess size does matter.
Names
Have you ever noticed how Buddy is a common, almost default, name that people give their dogs? My mom recently adopted a dog and his name, you guessed it, is Buddy. Now to her credit, that was his name before, so she decided to keep it that way.
Speaking of names, I get so tired of the common popular ones for babies, like Keelie, Kylie or Tanner. They are so trendy, and the girl names are so sugary---ick! It's fine if there is a significance to those names, like they are family names or something, but when people pull names out of their asses, that I think is stupid. (If you've been reading my blog, you already know how opinionated and judgmental I am. ;) ). Like the name Houston. Why would you name your child Houston?? And some people do even though they're not from Houston, have never lived in Houston, nor do they know anyone in Houston.
My sister, on the other hand, had the most creative and unique name for her teddy bear when she was a child: Dexter Beuford Hollingworth, Jr. Now that is a name I would consider for my kid if I have one.
Speaking of names, I get so tired of the common popular ones for babies, like Keelie, Kylie or Tanner. They are so trendy, and the girl names are so sugary---ick! It's fine if there is a significance to those names, like they are family names or something, but when people pull names out of their asses, that I think is stupid. (If you've been reading my blog, you already know how opinionated and judgmental I am. ;) ). Like the name Houston. Why would you name your child Houston?? And some people do even though they're not from Houston, have never lived in Houston, nor do they know anyone in Houston.
My sister, on the other hand, had the most creative and unique name for her teddy bear when she was a child: Dexter Beuford Hollingworth, Jr. Now that is a name I would consider for my kid if I have one.
Dreams
Last night I dreamt that I was showering with Lex Luther, the one from the tv show "Smallville." Ooooooo, needless to say, I woke up quite happy. ;)
Part of Freud's theory is that dreams are a socially-acceptable way for us to experience the things we can't have in our real lives. So I guess I can never actually shower with Lex-BLASPHEMY!! And, I also dreamt about Rachel from "Friends" getting it on with someone, and a bunch of people playing in the snow. WHY do I want Rachel to get action, or see others play in the snow? According to Freud, shouldn't I be the one getting it on with someone or playing in the snow? I'd like to play in the snow, and there's no real reason that I can't except for that I live in the desert, so it makes sense that I would dream about myself actually playing in the snow. How is it fun for me to watch others doing it?
So if Freud's theory is that dreams are a socially-acceptable way for us to get what we can't have, what I'd dream about is sleeping with Jake Gyllenhall, getting paid shit-loads of money for the wonderful ideas I generate at school, my manuscript getting published on the first try, and a few idiots I work with getting taken-out.
Part of Freud's theory is that dreams are a socially-acceptable way for us to experience the things we can't have in our real lives. So I guess I can never actually shower with Lex-BLASPHEMY!! And, I also dreamt about Rachel from "Friends" getting it on with someone, and a bunch of people playing in the snow. WHY do I want Rachel to get action, or see others play in the snow? According to Freud, shouldn't I be the one getting it on with someone or playing in the snow? I'd like to play in the snow, and there's no real reason that I can't except for that I live in the desert, so it makes sense that I would dream about myself actually playing in the snow. How is it fun for me to watch others doing it?
So if Freud's theory is that dreams are a socially-acceptable way for us to get what we can't have, what I'd dream about is sleeping with Jake Gyllenhall, getting paid shit-loads of money for the wonderful ideas I generate at school, my manuscript getting published on the first try, and a few idiots I work with getting taken-out.
Milkshakes
So I went out for a milkshake with a couple friends, and the guy brings our milkshakes and then the "extras" in the metal canisters. When one of my friends saw my confused look, he said, "It's the rest of your milkshake, the amount that won't fit in the glass. They bring it like this. Don't ever go out for one and let them get away with not giving you the rest of it." And he said it like, "Duh, don't you know that?"
Uh, HOW was I supposed to know that??? How do I know the size of the canisters that a particular restaurant uses? And what if all that was made was served to me? Then I'd look like a jerk if I said "And where's the REST of my milkshake?"
Uh, here's an idea: why don't the restaurants get BIGGER glasses???
Uh, HOW was I supposed to know that??? How do I know the size of the canisters that a particular restaurant uses? And what if all that was made was served to me? Then I'd look like a jerk if I said "And where's the REST of my milkshake?"
Uh, here's an idea: why don't the restaurants get BIGGER glasses???
Blackouts
A blackout in the desert is such a joke. I mean, you get the whole song and dance with no finale. Heavy winds, dust storms, losing electricity for like 3 hours, for NO rain whatsoever. Hey, I don't mind sitting in the dark not doing anything and eating only a bagel and chips for dinner, as long as I can listen to the pretty pitter-patter outside, but nothin'! NOTHIN'!!
Hmmm, kinda like Priceline. They give you a whole song and dance about "naming your price" and you end up paying the full fare for the most part anyway.
Hmmm, kinda like Priceline. They give you a whole song and dance about "naming your price" and you end up paying the full fare for the most part anyway.
False advertising
The GALL of allergy medicines to say on their covers that they take care of sneezing. I've been taking these fucking medications (stronger ones, and prescription ones mind you) to no avail and some mornings I still wake up sneezing like there's no tomorrow. Today I woke up sneezing and uncomfortable (also wondering if my AC's working or just making a lot of goddam noise), which also means I woke up saying "son of a mother-fucking bitch!!!!!" over and over again.
So THAT's what I need to do (if we're suckers for false advertising in this country): though I wouldn't sleep with most out there because they're losers, I should wear a sign anyway that says "yes, I'll have sex with you" in order to get taken out for free dinners.
So THAT's what I need to do (if we're suckers for false advertising in this country): though I wouldn't sleep with most out there because they're losers, I should wear a sign anyway that says "yes, I'll have sex with you" in order to get taken out for free dinners.
Pineapple
I was hanging out at a friend's house this afternoon and she and her husband ordered pizza for us to eat while we watched a movie. They ordered one veggie that had pineapple on it. I don't understand why people like pineapple on pizza. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, and don't care for sweet n' sour dishes, or non-dessert dishes that are sweetened. They should be spicy, or salty, or tangy, and only desserts should be sweet. The pineapple took away from the taste from the wonderful broccoli, black olives, and green peppers, I'm sorry.
WHOSE idea was it to put pineapple on pizza?? Then why stop there? You could ruin pizza other ways by putting on it strawberries, grapes, hell, even M&M's...
WHOSE idea was it to put pineapple on pizza?? Then why stop there? You could ruin pizza other ways by putting on it strawberries, grapes, hell, even M&M's...
Advisory
On the news this morning they said there is a heat advisory today. A heat advisory? Dude, we live in the desert, it's hot ALL the time. How is 113 degrees a heat advisory? We've had up to 128 degrees here one year. 113 degrees is COMMON right now.
That's like telling my friends there's a Seinfeld advisory when they hang out with me.
That's like telling my friends there's a Seinfeld advisory when they hang out with me.
Sports
Okay folks, I have an announcement to make. We may think we're being controlled by Big Brother, the government, or cults. No, in reality, we are controlled by sports in this country. I mean, the obsession with sports teams and their stats and the VIPs and blah, blah blah, blah blah, I don't GET it. How does it help your life if your favorite team wins? What percentage of the credit can you take for their victory? I mean jeez, people say "We won! we won!" and Seinfeld couldn't be more right on by saying "No, they won, you watched." And you get your ass out there on some basketball court, and only then can you comment on how much a team's pointguard sucks. And only if your fantasy football team wins do you get to walk away with some cash, but other than that, after the finals, you're back to your sad and pathetic life.
But now with the internet, we have hit a new low among the spectator group. At least if people watch the game on tv, I can see the fun in following along and actually seeing the action. But now that the internet offers minute-by-minute updates, if people can't watch the game, they're always on the internet checking the score. And this happened at a party I was at. That's probably one of the worst insults, to get ignored in a conversation because most of the person's attention is on the computer checking the score when they could just find out the FINAL score after the game's over. They look like idiots, like how a man looks dumb-founded when seeing a woman walk by in a bikini on the hiking trail. Yet we don't pay enough attention to the crap our government is trying to pull, something that actually affects us.
If aliens are observing us, and see people fixated on the internet, or watching men in tight pants running around and smacking each other on the butt, who are they going to think is in control?
But now with the internet, we have hit a new low among the spectator group. At least if people watch the game on tv, I can see the fun in following along and actually seeing the action. But now that the internet offers minute-by-minute updates, if people can't watch the game, they're always on the internet checking the score. And this happened at a party I was at. That's probably one of the worst insults, to get ignored in a conversation because most of the person's attention is on the computer checking the score when they could just find out the FINAL score after the game's over. They look like idiots, like how a man looks dumb-founded when seeing a woman walk by in a bikini on the hiking trail. Yet we don't pay enough attention to the crap our government is trying to pull, something that actually affects us.
If aliens are observing us, and see people fixated on the internet, or watching men in tight pants running around and smacking each other on the butt, who are they going to think is in control?
Aging
I've prided myself on being somewhat of a pseudo-minimalist but dear God, I'm only 30 and am already turning into an old spinster. I can't stand loud music, am single and have a cat, don't really drink, can't stand college students, meditate, am behind with technology (don't own an IPod or DVD player and have a dinosaur of a cell phone), have taken up crocheting, and go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5.
Now I just need my bifocals, white shoes, and to move to Florida.
Now I just need my bifocals, white shoes, and to move to Florida.
Cuisine
I must share: I feel so relieved and much happier now that some friends at a bbq yesterday ate a bunch of dessert I had brought. My mom had made it and it's really good (an Indian dessert), but way to sweet for my taste, and I couldn't have finished it on my own.
But folks, I have to say, this is a relief because in my experience, it's quite rare. It's amazing to me that even in our gluttonous culture, people here in the US are so nervous about trying different foods. I mean yes, a part of me gets a bit hurt or annoyed when something I bring doesn't get appreciated or eaten, but more amazingly, people don't want to try new things so that they can have a wider variety in their meal selection? But noooo, and I don't think these folks have any idea how ridiculous they look when they crinkle up their nose and say, "What's THAT?"
Oh that's right, if it has anything other than salt, pepper or cinnamon, they have no idea what it is and of course it MUST be something gross. I mean hell, we're such pigs in this culture I'm surprised more people aren't trying different ethnic restaurants. Heaven forbid that you may be able to add more food choices to your lifestyle. Or, they want to Americanize a dish by adding something to it that no longer makes it an authentic Indian dish, for example, and takes away from the flavor that's supposed to be there.
I mean, would you meat-eaters out there put ketchup on your steak?
But folks, I have to say, this is a relief because in my experience, it's quite rare. It's amazing to me that even in our gluttonous culture, people here in the US are so nervous about trying different foods. I mean yes, a part of me gets a bit hurt or annoyed when something I bring doesn't get appreciated or eaten, but more amazingly, people don't want to try new things so that they can have a wider variety in their meal selection? But noooo, and I don't think these folks have any idea how ridiculous they look when they crinkle up their nose and say, "What's THAT?"
Oh that's right, if it has anything other than salt, pepper or cinnamon, they have no idea what it is and of course it MUST be something gross. I mean hell, we're such pigs in this culture I'm surprised more people aren't trying different ethnic restaurants. Heaven forbid that you may be able to add more food choices to your lifestyle. Or, they want to Americanize a dish by adding something to it that no longer makes it an authentic Indian dish, for example, and takes away from the flavor that's supposed to be there.
I mean, would you meat-eaters out there put ketchup on your steak?
Celebrities
I love how on MSN they have the news blurb, "What you can learn from celebrity break-ups."
Uh, here's a stab in the dark: don't marry one?
Uh, here's a stab in the dark: don't marry one?
House numbers
Okay, this is somewhat of a sad thing to have to admit, but looking for a house to which I am going for the first time causes me a good deal of anxiety. Getting to the street, no problem, but what is UP with those numbers being so damn small? I was looking for a house # 522 yesterday in BROAD DAYLIGHT and even I, who has almost perfect vision, had to squint to see it. What is the point of those numbers if they cannot be read from the street??? And don't get me started on the various places the numbers could be. Some are near the front door, some are on the garage door, some are painted on the curb...so I have no idea where to look to see if I'm at the right house. And those painted on the curb are totally useless as they have worn off. I felt like such a dork stopping for like 20 seconds at a few houses and peering out my car window until I finally got to # 522, and even then, the only reason I recognized the house was because my friend's motorcycle was out front.
How hard is it to standardize the location and size of these numbers? Where are my tax dollars going? It can't cost that much to redo the numbers. We're like the world's greatest superpower and we can't have better numbering of our houses? In that case, it's easier to find houses in Costa Rica, even where (and probably because) the streets have no name! (Hey, is that the place U2 is singing about?)
How hard is it to standardize the location and size of these numbers? Where are my tax dollars going? It can't cost that much to redo the numbers. We're like the world's greatest superpower and we can't have better numbering of our houses? In that case, it's easier to find houses in Costa Rica, even where (and probably because) the streets have no name! (Hey, is that the place U2 is singing about?)
Accessories
We accessorize WAY to much in this country. I don't think people give enough thought to whether there is a practical use at all to the shit they buy. And for women, it's worse. You have the liquid shower soaps that need those damn squooshy, spongy things. You need shampoo, conditioner, gel, hairspray, yada yada, a washcloth, towel and a hair towel. A hair towel. So if these towels are more absorbent than regular bath towels, then why not have all towels be made of that same material?? You can then spend less time toweling off at the end. I'm not your stereotypical woman at all (and proud of it). I have my dial bar soap, 2-in-1 shampoo, no washcloth, and regular towels, and I've still gotten compliments on my hair and the way I smell. In the bathroom, I'm all about in n' out.
And don't get me started on this table cover thing I just learned about. Have you heard of this? A cover for your table. I can't quite remember the name but it's something like a table mat, or table board, or whatever. It's put on the table so that the table surface doesn't get damaged with hot pans. Hmmm, so you buy an expensive table whose top you can't really use? You've already spent all this money on a table and then have to spend additional money on a cover? Don't people generally have table cloths on their tables all the time anyway? So why get an expensive table if not only can you not see it all the time, but can't use it?
Well, guess I shouldn't say anything. I've got a hot bod that isn't getting used.
And don't get me started on this table cover thing I just learned about. Have you heard of this? A cover for your table. I can't quite remember the name but it's something like a table mat, or table board, or whatever. It's put on the table so that the table surface doesn't get damaged with hot pans. Hmmm, so you buy an expensive table whose top you can't really use? You've already spent all this money on a table and then have to spend additional money on a cover? Don't people generally have table cloths on their tables all the time anyway? So why get an expensive table if not only can you not see it all the time, but can't use it?
Well, guess I shouldn't say anything. I've got a hot bod that isn't getting used.
Movies
Ever notice how one way that a new movie's success is measured is by the amount of ticket sales the first weekend it opens? The first weekend. So how can you say with that that the movie is a good one? Unless people go to see the movie, they can't give their reviews, can they? And people are not very discriminatory in this country with the movies they see (look at all the crappy movies that are released every year). So just because they went to see it for the FIRST time doesn't mean the movie's a success.
That's almost like saying that by simply existing, just being, people are contributing to the world. And we all know that's not true.
That's almost like saying that by simply existing, just being, people are contributing to the world. And we all know that's not true.
Restaurants
So tonight I ate dinner at a Chinese restaurant with a friend, and when we get our bill, it says "Guest Check" on the top. So if we're GUESTS of the restaurant, then why do we have to pay? And not only that, we have to tip, which is paying the waiters or waitresses extra for doing a job that they're supposed to do anyway. And even with that, there's rarely a happy medium between too much and too little attention from them. They either interrupt a conversation in which I'm speaking passionately about something, and at the inopportune time, ask me if everything's okay. But when I don't have water, they're never around for like 20 minutes to ask for a refill on water.
And oh yeah, so what IS it with some places not even giving you any water at the beginning? Water is a basic necessity. It is like GOLD in the desert, folks. You need it ALL the time. But it is still amazing how many places slack off with hydrating you enough. They should just line up glasses of water on a table near the door as you walk in, so that you have it right away and the waiters don't have to remember to put it at your table at the beginning.
So next time I invite guests to my house for dinner, I'll put a water cooler near the front door, and give them a bill at the end.
And oh yeah, so what IS it with some places not even giving you any water at the beginning? Water is a basic necessity. It is like GOLD in the desert, folks. You need it ALL the time. But it is still amazing how many places slack off with hydrating you enough. They should just line up glasses of water on a table near the door as you walk in, so that you have it right away and the waiters don't have to remember to put it at your table at the beginning.
So next time I invite guests to my house for dinner, I'll put a water cooler near the front door, and give them a bill at the end.
Waiting
Boy have our priorities gotten completely screwed up in today's go-go lifestyle. We can't wait and deal with a 3-second delay on the internet, want only CD's or DVD's because we don't want to deal with 30 seconds of fast-forwarding, and we want a jump drive so that we can store more information in less space, in turn giving ourselves more work to do at home.
But the funny thing with me is that today, I actually wanted to WAIT in the waiting room at the doctor's office. See, because this time, I actually remembered to bring the book I'm reading. I HAD the book, so I wanted to use it for that purpose! But noooo, the doctor with his go-go schedule called me like a minute after I sat down. And then I dropped my prescription off at the pharmacy, went to the bathroom and then sat down, hoping to read some of the good book while the pharmacist was getting my prescription ready, and a second later, it's ready. I didn't get to read the book, again.
I'm not upset because I necessarily wanted to read the book then and there, but because I HAD it to be able to read in the room in which I was expecting to WAIT.
But the funny thing with me is that today, I actually wanted to WAIT in the waiting room at the doctor's office. See, because this time, I actually remembered to bring the book I'm reading. I HAD the book, so I wanted to use it for that purpose! But noooo, the doctor with his go-go schedule called me like a minute after I sat down. And then I dropped my prescription off at the pharmacy, went to the bathroom and then sat down, hoping to read some of the good book while the pharmacist was getting my prescription ready, and a second later, it's ready. I didn't get to read the book, again.
I'm not upset because I necessarily wanted to read the book then and there, but because I HAD it to be able to read in the room in which I was expecting to WAIT.
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