Irony

Okay, so I'm just gonna say this one time (ah, who am I kiddin, I'll be bitchin about it for as long as I live): how can we put a man on the moon and yet so many people don't know what the definition of "irony" is??? K, I'm gonna throw out some other words that people actually mean when they say "ironic:"

Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*

Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?

Capitalism

Now you gotta admire the audacity of capitalism, don't ya? Even in this economic crisis, you've got those morons outside the grocery trying to sell you portraits. Um yeah, of all the things I could purchase, the one thing I REALLY need is a picture of my non-photogenic self. And the stupid way they make you pose too: K, now point your knees to the left, face the right, tilt your head to the left, and look to your right. Now smile and say cheese! What the fuck is all that???

Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"

Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"

(Imagine that with the voice.)

Numbers

Ever notice how in movies, when the characters give someone their numbers, the beginning of the phone numbers always start with 555? I mean can the writers come up with ANY other number combinations? I can come up with a few off the top of my head right now: 785, 937, 864, 232. See?



I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.



Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.

See?

Eyeballs

Okay, so you know those ads about "the money you could be saving with Geico"? I KNOW that it's supposed to be eyeballs on the money, but I'm sorry, they just look like two rolls of toilet paper to me.

I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?

Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.

Coordinator

Ever notice how the word "coordinator" is becoming more and more common in job titles? It's what gets thrown in there when the employer doesn't quite know what the person is going to be doing. "I'm a research coordinator. I uh, don't actually do the research, I uh, just, you know, coordinate it."

In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.

Raffles

Another cliche is how we always say "I NEVER win anything!" Amazing how we forget what our odds are. Kinda like saying "I never get struck by lightening, or win the lottery, or run into Jerry Seinfeld on the street...."

Political Issues

The thing I don't get is how abortion became such a political issue in our country. I mean I can understand how people see it as a moral and religious one, but trying to push for legislation on someone else's body based on one's own religious values is just futile and unfair, isn't it? And it's not something that impacts everyone such that it needs a law, unlike healthcare, the stock market, or traffic laws. Kinda like: "A woman HAS to go through with the pregnancy even though she doesn't feel ready to put her body through it!" And forget the fact that we have a growing population problem on earth.

Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"

Emerson

So Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty..."

Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.

Divorce

I would think that the very possibility of divorce would keep people from getting married. Yet millions of people get married all the time. I mean sure, I can undertstand being in love and therefore wanting to get married, and I can imagine that divorce is hard. But there are some folks who get married and divorced like multiple times.

So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!