Happy New Year

Ever notice how people say "let this be the best year" when they wish you a happy new year? So it's like, oh, so you want this year to be my best and then all the rest afterward you want to suck, is that it?

Well then here's my toe you muthafukaz!

Okay, so I'm a little drunk...

Exclamation points

Ever notice how we over-use exclamation points in our emails? Like "Have a great day!" or "That works for me!" I mean if we were speaking to the person, we wouldn't yell those things at them now would we? I think I'll try actually yelling those phrases in the office.

Me: "Have a nice day!"
Co-worker: "Why are you yelling?"
Me: "Well that's what my email would say wouldn't it?"
Co-worker: "You're a dork."
Me: "YOU'RE a dork!"


is like the electronic version of laundry. Just as you clean your inbox out, it just starts piling up again. But at least one advantage is there's not a fowl smell if it piles up for too long. Instead of that, with email you just get pulling your hair out and banging your head against the wall. But you know, you take what you can get.

Phone calls

I don't know about y'all but leaving phone messages for people is really becoming laborsome. I mean before-hand you have to hear "Please leave a message after the beep. When you are finished with your message, you may hang up, or press # for more options." I mean come oooon! I'm tapping my foot and rolling my eyes thinking that's 5 seconds I'll never get back. I mean does ANYONE not know the *beep system* these days? I think we all know what to do after the beep. So why doesn't it just beep so we can start leaving the message right away? Or at the very least, shorten that stupid message. And gee, thanks for reminding me that I'm *allowed* to hang up when I'm done.

And why do people say, "Hello Felda, it's Karen [or replace with any arbitrary name as you wish] calling." It's Karen calling. It's Karen calling. Do you get my point? Well for Christ's sake I know she's CALLING! What am I going to think, it's Karen knocking on my door? No, she called me on the phone, so I knoooow she's calling! So let's be a little bit more efficient shall we? Picture this:

"Felda, it's Karen."

Simple right? I know who it is and the fact that they left a message says I can call back when I'm able to get the details on why they wanted to talk. Or if they have a detailed message, leave it, but without the word 'calling.' I mean if someone is going to take the time to state the obvious, then at least tell me something I don't know, like

"Felda, it's Karen and I just had a great orgasm. Call back and I'll tell you how I did it."

See, THAT's helpful.

Okay, so that research paper is not happenin' tonight. :)

Sandwiches 2

I should be writing a research paper but thought I'd share this instead:

I really really like sandwiches. And not only do I like to eat them, but I also like the word sandwiches. Say it with me: sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. The 'd' kinda gets silent doesn't it? And something about that pronunciation really makes them seem even more wholesome and scrumptous than they already are.

And AMAZING how satisfying and fun they are, when they're really just 2 slices of bread with stuff in the middle! I love opening up my lunchbox and seeing the sandwich nestled there with the bag of chips and diet cherry pepsi.

Ah, being 8 in a 32 year-old body-it's great!


Ever notice that Elmo *always* talks in the third person? Yes, Elmo is happy you're staying for dinner. Ooooo, Elmo looooves chocolate. So unlike Jimmy the jumper or George Costanza, he speaks that way when he's *not* upset. So what does he say when he's upset?

Perhaps "Oooo, you're a son of a mother fucker!!!"


Ever wonder why graying hair is one of the first signs of aging? I mean I don't get it. It's not like the hair has to work hard. It just sits there looking cute! I mean do the hair follicles run around the way our legs do? Do they beat to circulate blood through our bodies like the heart does? So WHAT is the excuse for going gray in your 20's?? I mean and in your TWENTIES for crying out loud!

If we aged such that it is more noticeable superficially at the *end* of our lives, we can at least feel good about the way we look for a longer period of time. Then maybe the elderly would get more action in the nursing homes. Hey, you're at more of a risk for a heart attack but at least you can pick up the cute man at the next table over in the dining room.

Hey baby, wanna split a jello with me? Wink wink.

Political debates

Don't political debates (well parts of them anyway) feel like two child siblings fighting? I mean it's not like they truly debate using any real skill; not Lincoln-Douglas nor policy debating like we learn in high school. Instead there's just a lot of "he said, she said" and cross-blaming. And both want to cut taxes in one way or another when paradoxically, they both have to go back to the government (aka "Dad") for funding for their own interests. And this is funding that comes from taxpayers! So it's like:

Sibling 1: You took all the Snickers bars out of the jar!
Sibling 2: I did not!
Sibling 1: You did too!
Sibling 2: Well you took all the Jolly Ranchers and gave them to your friends, and there were none left for me!
Sibling 1: No I didn't! And even if I did, it's cuz last month you took all my M&M's to school for Valentine's Day!

Meanwhile the candy jar is just slowly emptying with no real account of where the candy went, followed by:

Sibling 1 and 2: "Dad!!! Can we have a higher allowance for more candy???"


I'll let you in on a little secret: Ph.D actually stands for Phony Doctor.

Think about it: they can't help people when they're sick, and their dissertations show they know a whole lot about nothing!

hee hee :)

Traffic lights

Does anyone besides me get annoyed when you get stopped at a small traffic light? Meaning not the ones at the major streets, but at the small streets that are like a 1/4 of a mile apart. It's funny cuz I feel so DEFEATED when I have to stop at those. I'm thinking, "You're a measly little street! I should've been able to drive past you!" And it's especially annoying when you're on a roll of having to stop at every light on the way home, especially when you're exhausted and just want to crawl into bed!


Isn't it amazing how we can forget some of the basic things everyday that are really important? It goes without saying that we always need to be drinking water in the hot desert, and I'm sipping water all the time, but I often forget to leave my house with the water bottle. Or during that special time of the month I can forget to check that I have pads in my purse. So the other day I forgot BOTH and after I had left the house, I had to turn around and come back home for those things. The annoying thing is I would've otherwise gotten to work on time! Argh.

It's interesting how we can make such stupid mistakes despite the technological progress the human race has made. Was Einstein this forgetful? Well at least it makes sense that *I* wasn't the one who came up with E=mc-squared.


I wonder, isn't it weird for guys to be peeing next to each other? Do they really talk to each other as they pee? And what if you accidentally see your neighbor's thingy? And so how did the idea for urinals come about? Isn't it just as easy to pee in a stall? You can still talk when you're in the stall. Women do it.

Though it is a bit weird for me to talk to someone while I'm peeing. But amazing how it happens all the time isn't it? And people talk on their cell phones while they are on the can! Isn't that weird? And public restrooms don't have toilet lids that you can put down before flushing so that germs don't come up. Don't people think of that when they take certain things in the stall with them?

If we're going to do all this when going to the bathroom, then why have stalls at all? Just keep a row of toilets and urinals. I mean would we really be seeing anything that's a MYSTERY? And it's not like the walls help with the smell!

Favorite number

I don't really have a favorite number and then I got to thinking, what's a *favorite* number? Why would anyone have one? I can understand a favorite color because you would choose clothes or paint colors based on it. Or even a favorite letter, so you can choose what to name your child. I get having a lucky number but a favorite number?

I mean let's say your favorite number is 9. Are you going to wake up at 9? But what if you have to be at work at 9? Or are you going to order 9 pizzas? It'd be hard to finish that many. Or get your oil changed 9 times a month?

You get my point.

National survey

I can't believe it! I was actually called today to fill out a survey on this year's presidential election! I mean because before, I always wondered WHO they actually surveyed for the poll numbers. Didn't you? I would think "WHERE are they getting these numbers??? I never get asked to participate in a poll!"

Well my friends, turns out they *are* real polls. Now I feel like I can at least trust that. Otherwise it felt like they were making up the numbers in favor of a particular candidate, as a way to sway voters. Think about it, the numbers are always like 52% for McCain and 48% for Obama, or 54% for Obama and 46% for McCain. Because they're thinking, "Well we can't say 10-90 cuz then they'll KNOW we're making it up! Duh..."

Graduate students,

why don't we just call them what they really are: ass-kissing suck-up slaves not even on the bottom of the totem pole-they are buried in the sand getting stepped on all the time.

I mean rolling around in the sand would be fun if it were some *sweet* ass you were kissing...

Basketball 2

I just realized, playing basketball is the one time when you can get in someone's face and say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" and it's okay!

hee hee. :)

Gross foods

Ever wonder how the idea for cheese came up? Did someone say, "Hey, let's let the milk sit out for a couple months and see what it turns into. Maybe we'll want to eat it." Uh, okay.

And why do people like cheese? Some folks are like "The stinkier the better!" with it too-GROSS!

I mean I know cats eat their own vomit, but we're HUMAN. Why do people like cheese? *Especially* stinky cheese?

Or, why do people like beer? Do they think, "Well, I like stuff that tastes like crap and looks like pee!" Suuuure, makes sense.


Have you ever noticed that with any fan, the FIRST setting you get to after turning it on is the fastest one? And generally I use the lowest setting, so I have to turn the knob all the way over to get the setting I want. Same thing with my ceiling fan: I have to pull on the cord a couple times to get the speed I want after turning it on.

Why don't they just have the slowest setting be the first one you get to, the next one be the next fastest, and so on?

Diving #2

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention in my last post that what always cracks me up about the diving competitions is that they, for the most part, generally make all the athletes look pretty good. Their acrobatic twists are nice and graceful and then they land cleanly in the water. I mean HOW to the judges determine how smoothly they land in the water? I always get a kick out of, "And a clean land in the water, that was incredible!" I'm thinking, "Well, he still splashed *some* water!" He's going to, he's diving from quite a distance! But it's not like any of them are bad enough to do belly flops. So do the judges have binoculars that have the ability to see at the atomic level so that they can count how many water droplets come up??

Well if divers get judged that way then I guess it makes sense when I get flack for having *one* piece of paper on the passenger seat in my car. Somehow I've gotten this reputation of always having my house, car, working space, etc. as clean and organized as utopia. And worst of all, this reputation is so extreme I get chastised for a HUMAN "mistake" of having a piece of paper on my passenger seat, or a couple things sitting in my trunk! At one time I picked my cousin up from the airport and when he was putting his bags in my trunk he said something to the effect of, "Wow, wasn't expecting Felda's car in this condition!" That was for having like TWO things in my trunk! I mean having a pressure gage and extra hat is just good sense people.

I don't know where I get this reputation. Oh wait, the OCD and sick ability to remember how I place every little thing might have something to do with it....


So I was watching some of the Olympics and thinking to myself, "Self, why do you think there are diving competitions?" And I couldn't come up with answer. I mean why? Why diving of all things to compete in? Isn't it more important that you can swim once you get IN the water? If you get thrown overboard, you don't really have time to do a fancy acrobatic thingy before you get in the water do you? So by then who cares? You have to save your life by swimming to shore, not worry about being SYNCHRONIZED with another person during a dive for crying out loud.

The idea is just amazing to me. I can't swim very well and the thought of diving is beyond me. The idea of going into water head-first is scary, not to mention diving off a high board with an acrobatic twist.

But I think my favorite part of watching those competitions is staring at the sexy abs of those men! I mean, the political candidates would get some great attention from voters by just paying the divers millions to tattoo their names on their chests!

But that sure throws clean elections into the water (no pun intended. Oh who am I kindin', TOTALLY intended) ...


Ever wonder exactly what it is that is in artificial sweeteners? Because in the Splenda ad for instance, they say "It's made from sugar, tastes like sugar, but is not sugar." What IS it then??!

Well I guess with humans it's not entirely different:

He SEEMS nice enough but has a giant, sexist ego.
She SHOULD be honest being a professor and all, but is a compulsive liar.
He LOOKS well put-together but is really chicken shit.
She LOOKS normal, but is really a *psycho.*

Excessive Heat Warning

Excessive Heat Warning??? We live in the DESERT for crying out loud. Every DAY is an excessive heat warning!

Cat vomit

Okay, I may have spoken too soon when I said I'd rather have a cat than a kid. I mean a day doesn't go by that I'm not cleaning up cat vomit. Pretty soon my carpet is going to go from its gray color to a brown! I mean I have wooden floors or tiles in most of my living area but WHERE does she always throw up???? The CARPET!

So if we have robots that can act like humans, why don't they just put computer chips in the little buggers that are programmed such that the cats immediately start walking to the floor as they start to feel nauseous?

I mean, doesn't it seem like so much more practical things could be done with technology compared to things like IPods and texting? If anything, those things are making us stupider with people being checked out from their surroundings with the music, and their grammar getting ruined with the texting! And did you hear about the woman who fell into the street as she was walking and texting?

wtf??? btw, the Empress is 4ever, agree? Lmk!


Sometimes I think the weather channel should only present what happened in the past, not what they THINK is going to happen in the future. Think about it, we look at the weather before planning something but how often does that weather report turn out to be accurate? So if we can't be 100% accurate, then why report it at all?

Rather, presenting what happened in the past would be more entertaining. It could be a reality show of how people think they can beat the weather. Like "It was pouring down rain and a few 30-something women attempted to mend their PERMEABLE tent at a campsite. It was all in vain and they ended up leaving the campsite and staying in a hotel room (now THAT's the way to camp). The next day they went up the hiking trail and it started pouring, so they put on their ponchos and started heading back down the mountain. And folks, of course as we know, they didn't have their ponchos on and AFTER they put them on, the rain (of course) stopped. They then felt hot so they took the ponchos off. But it started raining again, so they had to dig into the bags for the ponchos AGAIN!"

So the channel could be called, "Hindsight weather, the chumps got stumped!"

Salad dressing

So we can take pictures of Mars, but why can't EVERY salad dressing bottle have a narrow spout out of which to pour the dressing? I mean we have all of our ketchup and mustard in plastic squeeze containers don't we?

So I accidentally pour too much salad dressing and it's like "Whoa! Here's some salad with my dressing!"


I think the human race is just plain screwed when it comes to toilets. I mean there is just no fool-proof way to take care of such necessary natural functions. I have to get a new toilet for my bathroom because there's a crack in it and it started leaking. My mom said that well, it is an old toilet, makes sense it's time to replace it.

But the thing is, no matter how old or new or what TYPE of toilet, there have ALWAYS been problems for me with using them. In our brand new house with new toilets "efficient" toilets, we still had problems with those; both leaked and one did so badly that almost the entire bottom floor flooded. In my first apartment, the toilet always clogged. In my second apartment it had cracked and flooded the whole apartment. Here the toilet is old and cracked. The other toilet in the guest bathroom takes a long time to flush. I also know of a few friends who have always had toilet issues. In Ghana, the contraption in the tank kept us from being able to use the handle to flush it. No matter where in the WORLD you go, it's a problem! 150 years ago, you had to go to the smelly outhouse. No matter what TIME PERIOD, peeing or taking a crap is just not a fun, comfortable thing to do.

And there are ALWAYS instructions on the toilets in people's houses like "Please hold down the handle until everything flushes." Well hey, here's a message for the toilet manufacturers: "Make some sturdy toilets you muthafukaz!" I mean steel's been around for a while hasn't it? So why do they still insist on using porcelain? They use steel in NASA don't they?

And that's just it; we can take pictures of Mars but we can't make problem-free toilets???? Doesn't being able to go to the bathroom take priority over what the hell MAY have happened on Mars like 3 billion years ago?? Those NASA engineers should take more toilet pictures instead and do some investigative work there.

Man on the Moon

Oh wait, I think I get it now. The reason we can't do simple things, or why we make things unnecessarily complicated is BECAUSE we've put a man on the moon. Well now I won't always say, "We can put a man on the moon but.." (hell, who am I kiddin', I'll still always say that).

But why we just can't keep things simple is beyond me. At work the other day I was cooking dinner for the clients and do they have the small, simple, easy-to-use can opener there? No. They have 2 kinds: one has the gears on both sides which I can never get to work for me (so annoying when you can't get the thing open in one swoop) and another one that has this huge crank thing! It's like, we're not opening barrels of oil!!! Why do we need a can opener with a huge crank for a small can of peas??? The small can is too light to stay on the counter top so you have no leverage to use the huge-ass crank thing.

And now our friend Bill has released MS 2007. Um, excuse me, the recent version of Word before that had like 4,000 features. Now this is just my GUESS and all, but was anyone USING all of those features? So why do we need a new system when I'm used to and am perfectly fine with the old one? We have MS 07 at work now and it is completely un-userfriendly.

I think instead Microsoft should spend money on bringing in counselors for their programmers and teach them how to date. Then they'd really be making a contribution to society!

Fanny pack

Why is it called a fanny pack? Most people don't wear it on their fanny. It should be called a gut pack, or hippack.

That has a cool ring to it huh? Hippack. Hippack.



hee hee.... ;)


Ever notice how when people tell you about a dream they had last night, they always start with, "Dude, I had such a weird dream last night.." or "I always have such weird dreams..".

I mean that's a bit redundant isn't it? Does anyone ever have NORMAL dreams?? I mean you never hear someone say, "Well I had this dream where I was having a picnic in the park with my family, just like we actually did last weekend!" I mean that's why it's a dream, it's not your regular waking life.

A "weird dream" is like saying a "weird psychotherapist" or a "weird roommate."

Where are the NORMAL roommates??!


Okay, so I don't even know why in any national basketball game they actually go through the formality of "playing" the game anymore. Because there is no real playing, strategy, pik-setting, etc. It's just "Ooo, good, we got the ball, so let's just rush over there and shoot!" Then why not just play some music, do a little dance at one basket, pick a player to shoot, and then have the other team do the same thing at the other basket? It'd make it a lot more entertaining for the audience I'll tell you that.

I mean and it's all so commercial with so much drama and ads on tv before the frickin' game is finally over. Then the game is over and there's more drama, especially after the finals. There's all the time spent in presenting the trophy, seeing the players scream like idiots and listening to annoying reporters ask "What does it feel like to be a champion?" Pick a feeling lady, you might be right on. And then you have the MVP award. I mean WHY have that at all?? If each player is just trying to shoot to run up their stats so they can get MVP, then doesn't that take away from teamwork?

And why is it called a *free* throw? How many times do they actually MAKE their free throws?

Common Sense

The problem with the term common sense is, not only is it not that common (I mean we do have the Darwin awards don't we?), but what is considered "common sense" depends on whom you ask. Some examples, if you will:

Q: "Why can't you wipe up flour off the counter with water?"
A: Mom: "That's just common sense!"

Q: "Why can't you know an electron's position and speed at the same time?"
A: Heisenberg: "That's just common sense!"

Q: "Why is it that eating more carbs can lead to higher cholesterol?"
A: Nutritionists: "That's just common sense!"

Q: "Why are we at war with Iraq?"
A: Bush: "That's just common sense!"

This probably explains the sad state of the human condition...

Combination foods

So what's the deal with Animal Crackers? And why do people like them? I get that children might, since they look like animals. But why do ADULTS eat them??? And they're not quite crackers or cookies, but somewhere in between. It's like be a cookie or a cracker, but pick one.

Same thing with tiramisu, it's not quite a cake or a custard. So my brain is like, "WHAT am I eating?"

Nuff said.

Potato pancakes

What's so special about potato pancakes? One time I ordered them at like Denny's or something and was expecting them to be like actual PANCAKES except stuffed with potato (sorta like potato bread, or this Indian potato bread that my mommy makes that is really really yummy).

But NO, I essentially get HASH BROWNS. That's all they are, aren't they?


Have you noticed this new way of greeting customers that Starbucks now has? They say, "Hello, what can I get started for you?"

Does that annoy ANYONE but me??? What the hell does that mean??? Not to mention it's even more annoying when they say it in a high-pitched saccharine voice that makes me want to puke. Once when there was a long line and they said that, I thought it was their way of appeasing us when there was going to be a wait. Like it was their way of saying, "I'll take your order and we can get started." But today the lady said it to me when I was the ONLY one in line!

I think I'll respond with:
"Well can you start it and FINISH making it?" or,
"Well there is something you can start for me, but I'd have to go home to finish. Or at least go to the bathroom..."

Hey, might as well have some fun with it if I want the mocha chip frappacino.

Political speeches

Ever notice how political speeches are just filled with a bunch of fluff? A friend of mine forwarded me Obama's victory speech on U-tube and though I don't normally care to watch that stuff, I thought I'd give this one a try since it came from a trusted source of mine with whom I share similar political beliefs. And afterward I was like, "There's 9 minutes of my life I won't get back." I mean give me a break, like the first 5 minutes were spent with clapping and like a million thank-you's. Then fiiiinally he gets around to saying "I'm pleased to be the demoncratic nominee" or something like that. Then at about minute 7 he thanks everyone he wants to thank..sheesh..

I mean do these candidates know how much 9 minutes is worth??? I guess not, if most of your job involves just listening to clapping, saying no more than "thank you" most of the time, and just visiting different parts of the country shaking people's hands and surveying the situations and pretending to care about them.

Well for us commoners, do they know how much 9 minutes is worth:

-In the morning on the freeway on the way to work?
-In a therapy session?
-During SEX?

Board games

Ever notice how whenever people get tired while playing a board game, or they get bored of it, they say things like, "That's fine, let him have the point if it means we'll end this game soon." or "I'm no longer trying to be competitive cuz I just want the game to end!"

Well if you don't want to play anymore and you don't care who wins, then why not just STOP playing the game??


Does anyone wonder why people eat tacos? I mean hard-shelled tacos. They don't make sense! You take one bite and the whole thing falls apart! You might as well crunch up the shell and mix it in with the filling and eat it with a fork, right?

And what's the point of soft tacos? Because you take a bite and when you put it down, it comes apart. You have to put it back together before you take the next bite. Then why not just eat a burrito? Isn't it easier to just *completely* wrap everything in a tortilla rather than half-way?

Head hurt, head really hurt...


Okay, so what's the point of the boy's bike having the bar in the middle? Why is it there? What's the purpose? And, if anything, it's the boy's bike that you would think would NOT have such a bar given the pain involved in certain circumstances! Yet growing up (and still today), I get this feeling that boys bikes are "real" bikes and that a true bike rider can ride those. That like you're cool if you can ride the boy bikes. (Needless to say I resent that feeling.).

But if a nutsac hits the bar and the boy falls, well then, nothing cool about that now is it?


So what happened to the Colgate Total brand soft-bristled, compact head, toothbrush? I find that to be the best fit for me. But now it's nowhere to be found, nowhere!

So we can put a man on the moon or text-message someone in another country, but I can't find a simple toothbrush???

If only Felda ruled the world-ha! ;)


Ever notice how whenever there is a big story on the national news the local news also covers that same story the same day? Not even the same day but the same HOUR for crying out loud. So when NBC is done covering a story, the local channel 12 news starts covering that very same story a MINUTE later. Hmm...don't they think that because we just saw the story on the national news that we don't want to hear about it again on their lame news show? Are you telling me they don't have anything DIFFERENT to report on that may be directly related to that city? Copycats...

See that's just it. We tell students not to copy or cheat, but news shows do the same thing. Or we tell kids that fighting isn't the way to solve anything, while the countries go to war with each other. Such fucking hypocrisy.

In that case, teachers shouldn't bother trying to break up fights or stop cheating. Then maybe the little shits who do those things can be done with. And when time is not wasted on such things, maybe teachers can get some real teaching of the core subjects in!


The more that I think about it, I don't see the point to marriage. You have to see each other first thing in the morning with morning breath, have to hear the other person fart, have to fight about finances and cleaning the house, and have to always make compromises so no one partner gets exactly what they want all the time.

Doesn't it make more sense to be officially independent and just date? I mean if marriage were so great, why do we hear more complaints about it than positive comments? Think about it, those who are married really only want the "dating" aspect of the marriage anyway. Because rather than do things together as PARTNERS (which is what I thought marriage is) people want to hire help for things such as housecleaning just to avoid fighting about it. Wouldn't it strengthen your relationship if you tried to do such things together and have fun with it? So if you don't want to do anything together other than the typical fun things, aren't we just left with dating anyway?

The wedding vows should really be, "Do you promise to put up with each other until death parts you? And try to sprinkle some fun in between."


Here's another cliche: "I don't like conflict."

Really? I don't see why, because feeling uncomfortable is so much fun!

I don't get how some people just don't see that certain things are just a part of life. You don't wanna live? Well there are ways to take care of *that.*

Flower arranging

What coincidence. I'm reading the book To Have and to Hold by Jane Green (good, entertaining novel with a pretty hot sex scene that us single women need) and I'm on the chapter where she takes this flower arranging class. And when I had friends over for dinner on Saturday night, they brought me flowers-very nice of them. :)

But, a flower arranging class? Really? I mean people have to take a class for that? Isn't it common sense? You put the baby's breath and leaves in the back and the flowers in the front? Does anyone NOT think to put the shorter flowers in front?

In that case, why don't we have classes for learning how to wash dishes? Or cleaning the kitchen? Or mopping floors? People certainly need help with all those things. Or a class for men on how to kiss? I would think those are all more helpful than FLOWER ARRANGING. Just a guess...


Have you ever noticed how when people know they're being videotaped they automatically start acting really dorky? What in the WORLD possesses them to do this? As soon as someone holding a camera says, "Hey guys, say hi to my folks back home," they are either crossing their eyes, making fish faces, or walking and talking like Frankenstein. What about a video camera does this to people? What are they thinking? It's like:

Well normally I don't have a fish face and look this ridiculous. But let me act like this when I'm being *taped* so that it's permanent, and lot of other people I don't know may see it.

Uh sure, yeah, makes sense. Why don't they just act NORMAL and say hi to the camera?

See I'm the other way around. I'm so dorky ALL the time (my friends can so attest to this :) ). That's why I don't act that way in front of the camera. See that way, there's no record of it and my friends have no way of proving what a nut job I really am if they ever need to. It's my method of madness, (meaning it only causes them madness and not others).


Spelling bee

So I watched Spellbound yesterday. And it got me thinking, why do we have spelling bees? I mean not only do we now have spell-check on the computer, but before computers they had dictionaries didn't they? So what is so great about being able to say that you can spell better than someone else? I can't really spell and it hasn't held me back. And it's really the luck of the draw during the spelling bee isn't it? You could know all the words that the folks ahead of you spell, and then get up to the mike and not know the word they give you. Months and months of studying out the window, just like that. And they give such ODD words, words we probably don't even have to know how to spell!

And why is it called a spelling "bee"?


Chipotle is a great place isn't it? I love their burriotos!

Now for once, that was NOT sarcastic. :)

But what's up with their take-out bags looking like gift bags? It seems like a lot of restaurants are doing that now, and I don't care for it much. Now you think I'm crazy, but I think there's something to be said for keeping some things as they are for old times' sake. There's a certain *feel* that comes with bags. I mean think about it, big brown paper bags without handles say groceries, big plastic bags say shopping at a department store, smaller plastic bags say take-out food, and smaller, stiffer "bags" with handles say a gift bag. When I get take-out, I want it to *feel* like I'm taking out food rather than feeling like I'm carrying a gift for someone.

I mean would it be the same to pour cereal out of a bag instead of out of a box, or to have Chinese take-out be in bowls instead of boxes?

Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers are so stupid aren't they? Well, and they especially are when they say something like "I love my beagle." Well that's great lady, and I love my mom, sister, friends, my cat....but you don't see me putting stickers that say all that do you? I mean, what possesses someone to deface their car with something like that? Shouldn't we be a bit more discriminatory with messages that we permanently put on our cars? I can appreciate more the ones that at least communicate some sort of message that advocates for social change. Or give me something *interesting* to read and think about while at a red light. Not how much you love something for crying out loud.

Here's a bumper sticker for ya: "I love people who don't put cheesy bumper stickers on their cars."

If you will...

That's *another* term I don't hear enough of. "Let's take the cat, or the feline, if you will..."

No, I won't.

I mean it's such a STUPID expression! Why do we bother saying it? Are we going to retract the phrase if the person answers with "No, I won't."?

I think if we cut out such phrases from our speech, we'd probably save a lot of time and energy.


So here's another cliche I'd like to comment on: lately I've been hearing too much of, "Well, I need protein" (in the context of trying to plan a vegetarian meal.) Or I also hear, "You know, if I don't get it, my body really craves the protein after a while." And it's usually meat-eaters who say this.

Reeeallllly? You don't say! Cuz you know, just cuz I'm vegetarian my body doesn't have a need for protein at all! My muscles just reproduce themselves. Sucks to be you...

Presidential or personal?

So I guess John McCain is now touring parts of the country that are significant to his personal life. Because he wants the country to see more of his personal side.

Are you frickin' kidding me? I mean do we reaaaaaaaaaaallllly need to see more personal aspects of people in politics? Hasn't it become more of a soap opera of sorts? Who shagged whom, who showed whom their thong, who slept with a prostitute, yada yada yada. And one candidate here has his ENTIRE family on his poster. So what, having a big family (I thought only he was running and not his whole family) makes him a better candidate? Doesn't it just mean that he knows how to have sex a lot? He can't even speak to his parenting ability because his wife is raising the kids while he's running for office.

I mean if we want drama or to know more personal stories, we can watch tv or read a good book. Heaven forbid we instead expect leaders to give us LEADERSHIP. At the very least they should provide more interesting drama, then maybe I'd be more motivated to keep up with the news.

So you don't want to hear about MY drama, how I am or am not getting laid by a worth it or not-so-worth-it bloke? Well at least I'm not expected to develop a reputation that worthy of being presidential.

Wait, so I COULD run for president...

Tongue twisters

"Say that 10 times fast." We hear that WAY too much don't we?

"Onomatopoeia. Say that 10 times fast."

Well, what if I don't wanna?

I'm not going to. So whatcha gonna do about it?

Holiday lights

I think we're getting overboard with putting up lights on our houses. Because now they're not just at Christmas time, but at all various times: Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween... I mean come on, lights are supposed to help with the holiday feel so if we have them year-round, that takes away from that feel doesn't it? I mean then why not put them up for March Madness, the start of the school year, for Valentine's Day to show your love for your partner (awwwwwwwww). How stupid and cheesy...uh, I mean sweet, how sweet...

Blood suckers

Ah yes, the two types of professionals we mere mortals despise, doctors and lawyers. Blood-sucking parasites as I like to call them (and I put psychologists in this group as well, for the record). They charge hundreds of dollars per hour from people who are often in a vulnerable state. And for what? What do they do? What do they provide? I mean of the three, I can respect the lawyers the most. You want to know why? At least you know that they are in reality billing per hour, meaning they are truly working during that time. They are either doing research or preparing documents.

See, that's the thing. Lawyers actually DO the research and take the TIME to figure out the right answers and what might be the best scenario for you at the time.

But what do psychologists do? They just pull explanations out of their asses. "Well it sounds like what's happening is your issues with your father are being put upon other men." How unique and *profound*, no? Or they ask stupid questions that anyone could ask us without charging us $100/hr like, "Have you tried talking to her?" (Uh, no because I'd rather spend money I don't have to not try the less obvious thing.) They take no true effort or time to actually get to know their patients; they just jump in with their pompous "expertise."

Or what do doctors do? Meet with you for 10 minutes and say, "Here take this medication." Or they give you completely misleading nutrition information. And appallingly, I know of a woman who told her doctor of a lump in her breast, the doctor IGNORES it and says it's nothing, and LATER she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

But we still need to go back to those fuckers don't we? If we are sick, what else can we do? Well actually, we could just go to Vegas. Vegas sucks our money, but it sure as hell is a lot more fun!

5-star service

The gall of the Sprint store to have its employees wear ribbons that say, "You deserve 5-star service."

Well I guess literally that's true. We deserve it.

But, they're not saying they'll give it. Okay, makes sense now. I guess literally it's not hypocritical.

Then we all might as well be wearing ribbons that say, "I should care about you and your problem." or "I should follow-through on my commitments." or "I should act like a professional at work."


In America, opportunity knocks around every corner... the Walgreens.

Western photos

Those country western family photos you can get taken at touristy places are so stupid aren't they? I mean, what's the point? It's like, I'm not a cowboy, but here's what I WOULD look like if I WAS one. You know, in case you were wondering.

Ice cream shops

WHY are ice cream shops so cold?? I mean yes, I get it, they need to keep the ice cream cold. But folks, just because we have to keep the stuff in our kitchen freezers frozen doesn't mean we keep our houses at 65 degrees or always have the fans running, do we? But you go into an ice cream shop and you have to put on your ski-wear when you're eating the ice cream (and what is UP with all the fans blowing??).

I mean you would think that if they wanted to sell more ice cream, they'd keep it a tad warmer to motivate customers to buy more. Am I crazy?

Moral of the story

Ever notice how children's short stories, or fables, end with the sentence, "The moral of this story is..." I mean does that need to be explicitly stated? Doesn't putting it bluntly at the end take away from it? Especially since the moral of the story is usually so obvious. Does anyone NOT get that slow and steady won the race for the tortoise? Or that the man and his son with their donkey should just do their own thing? So why read the entire story and why not just skip to the moral?

It seems that such summarizations would be more useful in other areas, like the 5-page car rental documents we sign, or the 10-page housing rental agreements. Why don't they just make it easier on us and say in bold letters at the bottom, "Let's put it to you this way: you make one scratch and you are charged an arm and a leg!"

Now in DATING wouldn't such summarizations be helpful?! I wish there could be words on your date's forehead that expresses his thoughts such as, "Why are we even going through this formality of dinner? I just want to see you naked." Or why go through the effort of sex in most cases, right? What if we somehow had a summary on the bed that said, "Trust me, you're NOT going to orgasm!"

Then that's one book we wouldn't open and save ourselves some time.