Have you noticed that the phrase "let's give 'em a hand" has two different, almost opposite, meanings? It can mean to cheer for or congratulate someone, or, to help someone. So in the first instance it means "you're great, you did it" and the latter means "you need help." Could be translated to "you're successful" and "you're pathetic" or "can't do it alone." So it'd be really funny if at a recital the emcee says "let's give him a hand" and nobody claps but rather, someone goes up and holds his hand to help him get off the stage.
And then there's "the upper hand" and "on the other hand." How in the world did this one body part get so much attention and meaning? I don't even bother with trying to get any hand, upper, lower, or middle. Especially with dating. With that it's either he's worth my time, or not worth any hand at all. What I really need is like 6 more hands, taking multi-tasking to it's max, and worsening my ADHD.
Grocery store
So I went to the grocery store on the way home from work to buy a bottle of ranch dressing, because I wanted to put ranch dressing on my mashed potatoes at dinner. So while waiting forever in line behind people who realize (after all their food's on the counter, mind you) that they don't have enough money for it, I notice the sign "Under 30, we card." Okay, so, they can tell if someone's under 30? Don't they have to card anyway to know if the person's under 30? So what do they do, ask for the id, see that the person's under 30, give the card back, and THEN card them?
So then I finally get to check out and I sign the slip for my credit card in a hurry because I'm irritated and just want to get out of there and go home. Well, so my signature didn't match the one on my credit card and the guy looks at me suspiciously.
Yeah, THAT'S why I'm going to steal a credit card, to buy a $2 bottle of ranch dressing.
I have bigger plans for the stolen card.
So then I finally get to check out and I sign the slip for my credit card in a hurry because I'm irritated and just want to get out of there and go home. Well, so my signature didn't match the one on my credit card and the guy looks at me suspiciously.
Yeah, THAT'S why I'm going to steal a credit card, to buy a $2 bottle of ranch dressing.
I have bigger plans for the stolen card.
Whatever,
is the answer when someone doesn't have a good comeback:
You're a dork.
Takes one to know one!
Whatever.
Think about it, that's when the verbal battle ends. It's the indication that the conversation's over. So we can also have this conversation:
Will you marry me?
Whatever.
Done, end of story.
You're a dork.
Takes one to know one!
Whatever.
Think about it, that's when the verbal battle ends. It's the indication that the conversation's over. So we can also have this conversation:
Will you marry me?
Whatever.
Done, end of story.
Hospitality
Why do people say "you're more than welcome to join us"? more than welcome. Come on, that's overdoing it, isn't it? Let's be a little discriminatory and conserving with our words. Is it necessary to be overly nice to the point of being saccharine? Isn't saying "you're welcome to join us" enough? And second, what does "more than welcome" mean? "You'd better come or I'll wait for you inside your house with a sack full of pennies" ?
Runaway truck
So I drove to my mom's this past weekend and on the highway there are these "Runaway Truck Ramps." That just infuriates me. These trucks use up a shit-load of fuel, crap up the environment, get a better view while driving, and are bullies of the road. And on top of that they get a runaway ramp?!!! I want a runaway ramp. Why can't 4-door sedans have a ramp? There are a lot of things I'd run away from (a horrible date, the coworker who makes me roll my eyes more than I have ever done in my life, cops...)
And then there are the "Do not enter when flooded" signs. Now are those really necessary? I mean do we need signs that say "Don't pull my cat's tail" or "Don't stick your hand in the washer when it's running" or "Don't ask more questions that can lead to the class staying longer" ? Actually, with all the dorks in my classes this semester, the latter probably is needed...
And then there are the "Do not enter when flooded" signs. Now are those really necessary? I mean do we need signs that say "Don't pull my cat's tail" or "Don't stick your hand in the washer when it's running" or "Don't ask more questions that can lead to the class staying longer" ? Actually, with all the dorks in my classes this semester, the latter probably is needed...
Pointless
I don't get why people concern themselves with things that aren't going to hurt them. It's pointless. For example, what do heterosexuals have against gay marriage? I have this great button that says "Against gay marriage? Don't marry one!" Couldn't have said it better myself.
Though I'm certainly not exempt from getting irritated with things that don't have anything to do with me. For example, I was sitting in class today and the hair of the woman sitting in front of me annoyed me to no end. The top layers were curly and the bottom layers were straight. I mean I know, it's HER hair, who cares???? But it was distracting and annoying. I mean, why not curl ALL the hair? Or, straighten ALL the hair? But who in their right mind thinks only some curly hairs looks good?
You can tell this was a mind-boggling, interesting and captivating class. I'll just leave it at that.
Though I'm certainly not exempt from getting irritated with things that don't have anything to do with me. For example, I was sitting in class today and the hair of the woman sitting in front of me annoyed me to no end. The top layers were curly and the bottom layers were straight. I mean I know, it's HER hair, who cares???? But it was distracting and annoying. I mean, why not curl ALL the hair? Or, straighten ALL the hair? But who in their right mind thinks only some curly hairs looks good?
You can tell this was a mind-boggling, interesting and captivating class. I'll just leave it at that.
Apathy,
is so underrated. I mean hearing "positive attitude" "keep being your cheery self" or "your smile is a breath of fresh air" constantly, that starts to sound really cheesy, like weddings, Hallmark cards and Christmas music.
I mean, if you think about it, you're probably more effective when you're apathetic than anything else. You're not stressed, and you act more like yourself because you're natural. Even when you're drunk, though you're uninhibited, you're still either an ass or really annoying. But with apathy, you can be in control and effective at the same time. I mean when you're drunk and you ask a guy out, you run the risk of people saying "what a slut, she'll give anything away to go out with him." But you don't hear anyone say "Jeez, she was so apathetic that she...."
Hey, I didn't say I cared enough to give all the punchlines-you finish this on your own!
I mean, if you think about it, you're probably more effective when you're apathetic than anything else. You're not stressed, and you act more like yourself because you're natural. Even when you're drunk, though you're uninhibited, you're still either an ass or really annoying. But with apathy, you can be in control and effective at the same time. I mean when you're drunk and you ask a guy out, you run the risk of people saying "what a slut, she'll give anything away to go out with him." But you don't hear anyone say "Jeez, she was so apathetic that she...."
Hey, I didn't say I cared enough to give all the punchlines-you finish this on your own!
Useless #2
Well, hmm, I'm not quite sure if people would not know this, so I'm a little hesitant to say. But I guess there is always the possibility of someone not understanding, so maybe I will go ahead and say it: redoing the walls inside the elevator does NOT help it's functionality (i.e., it coming down when you press the button, the door closing after you select the floor you're going to, and it MOVING after the door closes). But I guess I should be thankful for the new walls. Yeah, call me "hard to please."
Useless
So if you do a cost-benefit analysis of all the damn photocopiers in the world, it's probably a wash or not beneficial at all. When I need to make 50 copies of a 10-page document and collate and staple them, the damn thing jams. When I need to make 20 copies of a 2-sided page back-to-back, the damn thing jams. When I need to make 10 copies of a 1-sided page the damn thing jams. But I guess I should credit it for being able to make 2 copies of a 1-sided page, though I can just use the PRINTER for that.
Oh I get it, copiers are in existence so that the repair technicians can have jobs. Well, glad to see that needed jobs are being created, as opposed to the useless ones like social workers or college instructors.
Oh I get it, copiers are in existence so that the repair technicians can have jobs. Well, glad to see that needed jobs are being created, as opposed to the useless ones like social workers or college instructors.
Zoo
I went to the zoo over the weekend. It's kind of funny..you spend like $14 to walk around and take a chance at maybe seeing some animals. I can walk around my neighborhood without paying the 14 bucks. And the animals you do see don't even want us there. They have these looks on their faces like "Great, here come the humans. Look at their sad faces as they get excited about seeing a bird in a cage." I mean, they're caged up. They're probably cursing us like nobody's business when they see us, and they're plotting on how they can get the hell out of there. And most of the time, we show up at an exhibit or whatever you want to call it, and because the animals don't care to see us, they hide and we just end up looking at a big mound with a hole in the side.
Ridiculous
I cannot tell you HOW many times I've forgotten to ask someone a question I really want to ask them when I see them in person. When we run into each other we shoot the breeze, joke around, or if it's someone I don't like, my excellent acting skills would never make you guess I don't care for them. And then I come home, sit at my computer, and EMAIL them the simple little question. I'm all for computers and technology and all, and I can't say that it hasn't made my life tons easier, but now we are just having relationships with our computers, not other people. Pretty soon we'll be having sex over email too. Kinda like, I forgot to hump him when I saw him at home after work. Then he went out for a night on the town with his buddies and I emailed him saying "Ooo baby, yes, yes, yes, more, do that more!!!!"
The topper is when people have conversations over email. No, I don't mean instant messenger, of course that's a conversation on-line, I mean when people rsvp to a meeting, hit reply to ALL and simply say "I'll come." Folks, feel free to just hit REPLY without the "all" to tell someone you're coming to a meeting. Otherwise my inbox is filled with a bunch of messages that are one-liners saying "yes", "I'll come" , "that's funny!" or "shut up." And I didn't even open my mouth to deserve the last one.
The topper is when people have conversations over email. No, I don't mean instant messenger, of course that's a conversation on-line, I mean when people rsvp to a meeting, hit reply to ALL and simply say "I'll come." Folks, feel free to just hit REPLY without the "all" to tell someone you're coming to a meeting. Otherwise my inbox is filled with a bunch of messages that are one-liners saying "yes", "I'll come" , "that's funny!" or "shut up." And I didn't even open my mouth to deserve the last one.
Candy
Does anyone but me get overwhelmed in the candy isle at the store? I mean it's like, it's supposed to be fun, shopping for candy and all, but for a meticulous nerd like me, I stand there looking at all my options and try to use the process of elimination to get to one "perfect" candy to buy for the week rather than just getting what I feel like getting. And now it's even more complicated; not only do you have the peanut M&M's and the dark chocolate Hershey's bar, but now you have the Hershey's bar with M&M's, Reeces Pieces with peanuts, and peanut butter M&M's, which I just found out about a couple days ago (yes folks, I don't know where I've been, but I just found out about the existence of peanut butter M&M's). So then I think, well I had M&M's last week, so this week I'll have Reeces Peanut Butter Cups, but then there are M&M's with peanut butter inside too!
So then, at what point can you say you're eating M&M's? What's the difference between those and Reeces Pieces with peanuts inside? After a while the brand name has no meaning cuz they're all using peanuts and chocolate. And I mean how many things can you do with peanuts and chocolate? And the topper is white chocolate. I'm sorry, but for a real chocolate lover, white chocolate is just yoghurt-type coating crap. I mean I'm sorry, but white chocolate Kit Kat is just ruining Kit Kat.
And that's all I have to say about that.
So then, at what point can you say you're eating M&M's? What's the difference between those and Reeces Pieces with peanuts inside? After a while the brand name has no meaning cuz they're all using peanuts and chocolate. And I mean how many things can you do with peanuts and chocolate? And the topper is white chocolate. I'm sorry, but for a real chocolate lover, white chocolate is just yoghurt-type coating crap. I mean I'm sorry, but white chocolate Kit Kat is just ruining Kit Kat.
And that's all I have to say about that.
The new toilet
Yes folks, I'm obsessed with toilets. But hey, it's a necessary piece of equipment for us and unless I am able to comfortably take care of this basic bodily function, how can I accomplish anything else in the day? Anyway, the new motion-sensored toilet is probably the dumbest thing I've seen so far. I mean, we are capable of reaching back and pulling the lever. Furthermore, not only are the new toilets unnecessary, they are actually counter-productive, and more water gets wasted. I set the paper toilet seat cover on the seat and the damn toilet thinks it's time to flush, so I lose the paper cover before I can pull down my pants and sit on the seat! One of the most annoying things next to people who ask stupid questions, I'll tell you that. Next time I have to remember to get half-naked first, then put the paper cover on so I can sit down in time. I mean what the hell do they think we're gonna do? Like we have time to just stay in the stall and flush the toilet for fun. I mean, yeah, next time I'm basking in some free time, I'll lock myself in a stall and just flush away for the heck of it. BRING BACK THE OLD TOILETS!!!
A tip...
for everyone. You know the custom of knocking to see if someone's in the bathroom before you go in? It's still in, so feel free to use it.
The lie
You know how in school teachers will say there's no such thing as a stupid question? Well folks, not true. There is a such thing as a stupid question. Just like there is a such thing as a stupid movie (romantic comedies) stupid chain emails ("Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Pass this on to those you love and you will receive good luck tomorrow and blah blah blah") and stupid bumper stickers ("My child is an honor student"). Seriously, I want to get a bumper sticker that says "Nobody gives a #@!! that your child is an honor student."
The lid
One of my biggest pet peeves is seeing the lid of my toilet seat left up by others when I go into the bathroom. If you don't use the lid for the purpose for which it's intended (to put it down, why else does it exist otherwise?) then you do not have the right to complain that you keep dropping things in the toilet! Otherwise, why don't we just leave the door to the dishwasher open, the bag of catfood open so that we stink up the place, and leave the front door open so we can say "Hey come on in and check out my open toilet!" After all, it is attractive that way.
Smiling
If you're smiling all the time, then you are oblivious to the sad, pathetic state of our world.
Running
I like to go running but have started doing it less because I'm worried about the wear and tear on my knees. But what makes even more sense is River Selkie's comment: what is the point of running unless you are running for something, like to catch a ball, or running for your life? And I'd like to add, or running to throw yourself in front of a bus after dealing with a bunch of idiots all day. Now that is purposeful.
Six
Why do people say "half a dozen"? How is that easier than saying "six"? Think about it: four syllables instead of one.
And why do people say "a baker's dozen"? It's easier to say "thirteen." Again, two syllables instead of five.
Uh, duh.
And why do people say "a baker's dozen"? It's easier to say "thirteen." Again, two syllables instead of five.
Uh, duh.
Ting ting
I love the wedding tradition of tinging of spoons against glasses as a way to prompt the bride and groom to kiss. Apparently people don't get enough of couples getting it on in public every day, so they want to see the main couple at the wedding kiss every frickin' ten minutes. I was at a wedding today and they had little bells at the tables for us to ring instead. I joined in the first couple times so as to not be rude but decided to go against it later on. I mean come on, it requires me to put down my fork while I'm eating the dinner (the real reason I'm there anyway), pick up the bell, ring it until the bride and groom kiss, and then I have to hear everyone in the hall clap or go "woo hoo!!" Folks, it's not that great a feat, they're getting married, they've already kissed and done a whole hell of a lot more I'm sure.
Abercrombie & Fitch
I so do not get the hipe about Abercrombie & Fitch, and Banana Republic, and whatever other fancy smancy brand names there are for clothes. And the names are so unique that at first I thought the clothes would look distinctive, like if I saw someone wearing something from Abercrombie & Fitch, I would know that's what it is. But I walk by the store in the mall and the clothes don't look special at all. Today I saw a woman wearing a pink t-shirt that said Abercrombie & Fitch and I thought, "That's a regular old t-shirt. How the hell is it different than a pink t-shirt I'd buy at Target?!" So I guess all that matters is that the name is on the shirt. Okay, well, in that case, maybe I just needed to paint "BMW" on my Geo Metro when I was in college, or paint my current Honda Civic with "Lexus."
Underwear
Now this comment probably isn't what you're expecting. Yes, it's about underwear, but more about the fact that these days it has become overwear. I can deal with pajama bottoms being worn to class, but what the #@!! is up with lingerie tops being worn as blouses?!!! Today I saw a woman wearing a slip as a skirt. Come on folks, we have totally gone overboard here. Pretty soon we'll just go out in actual underwear until finally we go out naked all together. Now if you want to see a world scarier than the one we have, that would be it.
How do you like them apples?
Apples? Why apples? I wouldn't think they are people's favorite fruit. There's a whole other list of things I could say instead like "How do you like them mangoes? How do you like them grapes? How do you like them chocolate chips?"
Or, where did "that's just bologna" come from? I'm vegetarian now but when I did eat meat, I liked bologna, don't most people? Doesn't it make more sense to say "that's just brocolli" ? Though, I do like brocolli...
Or, where did "that's just bologna" come from? I'm vegetarian now but when I did eat meat, I liked bologna, don't most people? Doesn't it make more sense to say "that's just brocolli" ? Though, I do like brocolli...
Coughing
So we care about people when they sneeze. We say "bless you." I much prefer to say "Salud" which is Spanish for "health." Makes so much more sense because sneezing could mean the person is sick, or coming down w/ something, etc., okay so you catch my drift.
But I love how with coughing we don't show any concern. How is it different from sneezing in terms of severity? I mean the person could be dying and we don't say anything. I know with me, if I'm at the movies and someone is coughing uncontrollably, I'm thinking "shut the #@!! up!"
But I love how with coughing we don't show any concern. How is it different from sneezing in terms of severity? I mean the person could be dying and we don't say anything. I know with me, if I'm at the movies and someone is coughing uncontrollably, I'm thinking "shut the #@!! up!"
The solution
Violence is the answer,
it's all about winning,
and it's not a lie if you really believe it.
I guess now that I've figured it out, I can be a world leader.
it's all about winning,
and it's not a lie if you really believe it.
I guess now that I've figured it out, I can be a world leader.
Avacados
Give a person an avacado and you've fed them one-eighth of a meal. Teach them how to shop for avacados themselves and they won't buy any because they're so damn expensive.
Wipes
I get excited about sanitizing wipes. Yes folks, this is my life. When I come onto my shift at work and I see that there are sanitizing wipes, I know that the task of wiping down the desks and phones is going to be faster and easier for me. And get this: I look forward to doing it.
Guess that's how you know you're no longer a kid and you're an adult: you get excited about things that make your daily chores easier: sanitizing wipes, Shout it Out, and coffee (MUST have coffee!!!)
Guess that's how you know you're no longer a kid and you're an adult: you get excited about things that make your daily chores easier: sanitizing wipes, Shout it Out, and coffee (MUST have coffee!!!)
Parents
I think there is a class that people take before they become parents. It's a 2-day class and here's the agenda:
Day 1:
-How to put your kids on guilt trips.
-How to be passive-aggressive.
Day 2:
-How to selectively hear.
-How to ask stupid questions.
Graduation
Day 1:
-How to put your kids on guilt trips.
-How to be passive-aggressive.
Day 2:
-How to selectively hear.
-How to ask stupid questions.
Graduation
Stickers
Who's brilliant idea was it to put stickers on each piece of fruit? I didn't see the sticker on my plum this morning and washed it, and then later it was hard to peel off because it was wet--arghhh, very frustrating! I mean, you probably burn more calories taking the damn sticker off than you take in from the fruit. Ah, I get it now, the "sticker on fruit" diet.
The computer
I think the biggest love-hate relationship in our lives is that with our computer. When it's working I keep coming back to it happily. When it doesn't work I'm like "#@?!!." I mean I know they're built on logic but is "error # 9221: xhsowjsou" LOGICAL? And, lately I love how I get the message "Internet Explorer has to terminate" and then it continues to run--talk about mixed messages! Hmm..this is similar to romantic relationships: people sending mixed messages, loving only when things are going well, and hating each other when they're not.
The sweater
Something wrong with this picture: in the desert we wear sweaters more in the summer cuz it is so frickin' cold indoors. I mean, people, just cuz it's 120 degrees outside does not mean it has to be 50 degrees indoors! And cranking the AC starts in like March, when it's only like 85 degrees outside.
I know some people say, "Well, it's so hot out that you want it really cold inside." Well, you JUST walked in. If you give it some TIME, you'll cool off.
I know some people say, "Well, it's so hot out that you want it really cold inside." Well, you JUST walked in. If you give it some TIME, you'll cool off.
Dust
I like to live in a clean and tidy house, so even though I don't like the actual act of cleaning, I do it because there is nobody else to do it. I don't mind some things like vacuuming or laundry, or even cleaning the bathroom, but I HATE dusting! Even though everything else has to be done regularly just like dusting does, there is something about the dusting that makes me feel so resentful. It's like the sense of accomplishment lasts maybe 2 minutes after it's done and then I think "It's continuing to pile up even right after I've finished." There's just no winning with it...I feel like whenever I dust, the dust particles are laughing and saying "he he he, sucker! we're just going to be back again so why do you bother?"
Here's another area in which my cat could be more useful..she likes rubbing up again things all the time, so why the hell doesn't she just rub herself around the surfaces in my apartment and dust for me? But nooo, she has to just lay there on the floor and watch me while I do it. Funny, so much of our time is spent on life-management activities like cleaning, shopping, paying bills, appointments, etc., that when are we actually living our lives?
Here's another area in which my cat could be more useful..she likes rubbing up again things all the time, so why the hell doesn't she just rub herself around the surfaces in my apartment and dust for me? But nooo, she has to just lay there on the floor and watch me while I do it. Funny, so much of our time is spent on life-management activities like cleaning, shopping, paying bills, appointments, etc., that when are we actually living our lives?
Get real
I love how when people get the question "If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be?" they answer something like "Jesus" or "Mother Theresa." Get real..come on, admit it, you want to meet someone like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston. Whenever I've been asked that question I couldn't think of the answer-being a perfectionist I wanted to think about it for a long time and come up with the perfect person for me. But recently, I have become sure of my answer: Seinfeld (big shocker, I know). But how many people do we know who are cute, have a great sense of humor, the drive to be successful, an intelligent, insightful view of the world, a sense of balance and moderation, and are a kid at heart? So that's my answer, Seinfeld, and I don't care who knows it. :)
The heat
Now I've been living in the desert for who knows how long yet every summer I, along with others who have been here just as long, say "It's so hot!" Like it's so surprising, like we weren't expecting it, like it's headline news. I mean we live in the desert for crying out loud! It's supposed to be hot! But no, every conversation goes something like:
"It's so hot out there."
"I know."
There should be a look that communicates that. Not the stink eye, not the crook eye, not the evil eye, but the "it's so hot" eye. That'd save a lot of energy.
"It's so hot out there."
"I know."
There should be a look that communicates that. Not the stink eye, not the crook eye, not the evil eye, but the "it's so hot" eye. That'd save a lot of energy.
Common courtesy
Anyone wonder why it's called common courtesy if it's obviously not so common? Even for important things, people don't return phone calls, rsvp, or even apologize. Folks have to always be reminded to do those things. Common courtesy-yeah. In that case we have common nuclear physicists, common astronauts and common long-lasting marriages.
The setup
What in the world compells people to set others up on dates? You have nothing better to do?The sense of accomplishment? That you want to see your friend happy? uh huh. Then how is it that people always say something like "He's amazing" or "he's great, you'll love him" and forget to mention that he smokes, doesn't shower or shave before dates, hasn't had a lasting relationship, or is chicken shit?
A word of advice for you matchmakers: if you're going to do it, at least be honest and say "He's horrible, can't keep a steady job, lives with his parents, and is afraid of commitment." So then at least when I go out with him, I'll have low expectations and feel like it was worth it cuz of the free dinner.
A word of advice for you matchmakers: if you're going to do it, at least be honest and say "He's horrible, can't keep a steady job, lives with his parents, and is afraid of commitment." So then at least when I go out with him, I'll have low expectations and feel like it was worth it cuz of the free dinner.
Clams
"Happy as a clam." I don't hear that expression enough. Happy as a clam. I mean how the hell do we know if clams are happy or not? I'd be interested to see the research that led to that conclusion. I would rather be as happy as a pig. This is no joke, this is my life, my inspiration. I read somewhere that a pig's orgasm lasts for like 30 minutes. So, I would rather be as happy as a pig.
The towel
Now I've been bathing myself for 20-some years, yet I can't tell you how many times I forget to take my towel into the bathroom with me before I shower. So after I'm done I open the curtain and I'm standing there thinking "crap, I did it again." It's probably one of the most annoying things I experience in a day. I mean, I'm already running late as it is and now I have to run out dripping wet and frickin' cold to crab the towel and run back into the bathroom to dry off. Now I have a cat, and she's cute and I love her and all, but she'd be so much more utilitarian if she could get me my towel for me. So I try and say "Here kitty kitty kitty. Could you get me my towel kitty kitty?" I get nothin, nothin! I run into the bedroom to grab the towel and she's just chillin on the bed looking at me probably thinking "You are such an idiot."
Now that would be an advantage to being in a relationship: he could get my towel for me when I forget it.
Now that would be an advantage to being in a relationship: he could get my towel for me when I forget it.
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