Monday, December 21, 2009

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Facebook

Facebook is like the on-line version of a high school reunion. You know, suddenly all these folks you haven't seen or spoken to in like decades have a ton of things to say to you, of which a tiny few are mildly interesting. But the ones that you mostly "talk" and "banter" with are the ones that you see more often in real life anyway! They're like your guests that you drag to the reunion so that you have someone to talk to while you're there.

Course there are two main differences. High school reunions happen every 10 years whereas you can never leave FB if you wanted to. Though you can ignore certain comments and chat invitations and those folks never know it.

Maybe I'll carry a little sign with me that says "offline" to tape to my forehead if a party I'm at turns bad.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

People watching

Seinfeld was so right when he said, "Humans love to watch other humans." So true...I mean perhaps we'd be a bit more content if we stopped comparing ourselves to others and focused on being better people in general. I dunno, JUST an idea...

But the part that is most funny to me is how we are so into the lives of celebrities. Perhaps if we spent just half that time trying to enhance our own lives we'd also be more content. I dunno, JUST an idea...

And what's even funnier to me is that we get offended when those close to us give us "negative" feedback and we consider that as them "judging" us. But these are people who know us the most and have the information to actually be able to judge, and yet we feel we can judge celebrities when we know even LESS about them! Like when my mom says to me, "I'm worried about you." I think "WTF?? Why are you worried about me? What reasons could I have given you to WORRY about me? Haven't you seen I've taken care of myself all these years? YOU don't know anything about me!"

But the same people who would have that type of reaction to family or friends say things like, "Michael Jackson is such a freak" (and like Lady Gaga's not? That's another story...) or "Andre Agassi does drugs!!!" Um, yeah, like all the other people who make up a huge percentage of the population that does-newsflash: he's not God. "Michael Jackson's not really black!" Well, just like white folks aren't white anymore when they choose to bake in the sun despite the skin cancer. "Michael Jackson looks weird with all those plastic surgeries." Don't get me started on the number of people who could do without boob jobs and excessive makeup.

We don't have personal contact with these celebrities or know what they've truly been through! I mean I can understand a "judgment" regarding hurting another person, but I think we could stand for a bit more compassion when people do things to harm themselves.

And the *types* of news our society finds interesting these days is weak and pathetic, but it's interesting just cuz they're celebrities. But I bet I can at least *match* the excitement of some of the celebrity experiences:

-Tiger Woods got into a car accident!
Well, Felda got 3 tickets for running a red light, and you have to go through *separate* traffic school for that offense, each time. The second time, a MONTH later, I had the SAME instructor. Not only that, he recognized me-you can imagine my embarrassment.

-Howard Dean gave his wife a PLANT for her birthday! (k, so that's an old example)
Well if I had a dime for each time I got CANDY as a gift from a secret santa, well, I'd have like, $2.

-Jennifer Aniston is single again!
If we have a couple years, I could explain to you the level of pathetic-ness of the guys I've dated in my lifetime that led me to break up with them.

TMZ needs to have a Felda segment!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Internal medicine

The branch of medicine called "internal medicine" is kinda funny isn't it? I mean let's say we ask a doctor, "Are you a surgeon?" and she says, "No, I practice internal medicine."

Oh, so surgeons don't work internally? They can't be working *externally.* Well I suppose with a laser some surgeries are possible like that, but what are they practicing when they have their hands in someone's guts? Can you really get any more internal than that???

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Saints

You know, when I state that I'm Lakshmi incarnate and that people should turn to me for their answers, I just get laughed at. Hmph..but did Krishna or Christ get laughed at?? Noooooooo! Well yes, Christ did have something worse happen to him for sure. But my point is, people believed they have the answers, even though they lived 2000 years ago and folks never got to really know what they preached! But you get to know right NOW what *I* say!

Well I suppose my Seinfeld and caffeine addiction dilutes my saintliness. ;)

lol

Friday, October 30, 2009

Tomatoes

Why would anyone put tomatoes as a topping on pizza? Cuz the pizza already has tomato sauce. So what do the tomatoes add? Wouldn't you want something w/ totally different flavor, like mushrooms (yuuuum) or olives (double yuumm)? Unless it has pesto sauce, then the tomatoes make sense.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Potato chips

What is the deal with baked potato chips??? Um, excuse me but chips are supposed to be greesy. It's like hard cookies or that crap low sugar chocolate. I can't imagine people choose those options so why do they keep making them? I mean, if you want chips, eat CHIPS. Just eat fewer of them if they're greesy. Cuz with the baked ones, you just eat a bunch that taste horrible, so you've added more calories to your day with stuff that doesn't even taste good.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Audience members

So remember how Seinfeld and his girlfriend make-out in the movie theatre when they are watching Schindler's List? And hilarious how his parents ask him, "You were making out during Schindler's List?????" That would be like me making out or sleeping during Slumdog Millionaire, The Namesake, City of Joy, or Gandhi.

Now get this: in one of my theatre showings of The Laramie Project, there was a guy in the FRONT row who was part of a GAY couple and he fell asleep! Um, hello!!! And so much so that we could hear him snoring! Sheesh...

How funny would it be if he had *heterosexual* parents who asked him, "You fell ASLEEP during The Laramie Project???"

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Toilets 2

So how late are the stores open? I'm thinking of buying a new toilet and smashing it over my head.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thongs

So, now, correct me if I'm wrong (and just a heads-up, I never am) but isn't the point of wearing a thong that there is no panty line when you wear something that would show a panty line? Jeans normally do not reveal panty lines, yes? Nevertheless, I have the priviledge of working with a woman in a play who even when she wears jeans, wears thongs. And how do I know this? I see her change in the dressing room and she changes from her costume back into her street clothes that are jeans.

Now why does this bother me you ask? Like, why should I care if someone else chooses to be uncomfortable for no reason? Because I have to sit *behind* her in the play! And we wear jeans in the play. And half her butt comes out the top of her jeans when she's sitting and as she's getting up. Grrrr....

Now it'd kinda become this obsession where I always want to know what kind of underwear she's wearing cuz it's frickin annoying to think that a person would ALWAYS wear a thong, even if they don't have to! I have a few sitting in my drawer and a part of me avoids wearing the clothes that "need" them cuz they're so ridiculously uncomfortable! Yeah, kinda like Seinfeld who encouraged this one woman to break up with him in person just so he could see if she was wearing the same outfit again---lol.

Hey, does my obsession with this girl's underwear *technically* make me a lesbian?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Pluto

Interesting how scientific findings over time change our reality of the world isn't it? I still often forget that Pluto is now a moon instead of a planet. But it was always a planet when I was a kid! Now I have to see it as a moon?

That would be a funny way to break up with someone. "At first I saw you as promising, now I just see you as an idiot." Okay, so not everyone has my sense of humor. ;)

So if I'm ever a grandparent, given that I lived in the desert most of my life I probably won't be able to get it past my grandkids that I had to walk 10 miles uphill everday in the snow to get to school. But I COULD say, "When I was your age, Pluto was a planet!"

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Profanity

The thing I don't get is why we try to be so careful about not swearing in front of children. Oh yeah, trying to be good role models, yada yada yada.

But think about it, if many of us swear as adults anyway, then isn't avoiding to do so in the presence of children just postponing the inevitable? Like medicine? Or marriage. Ha ha, I digress.

Anyway, I don't recall my parents swearing much when I was a child (not in English anyway) yet I swear like the worst of the sailors. Catch me during an allergy attack and I'm dropping the F-bomb every second and cursing God, her mother, and every useless life form she's put on this earth.

And the f-bomb is not okay in PG-13 movies but physical fights between children is? Anything wrong with this picture? Aren't there worse things in this world compared to profanity? Oh, forgive me for wearing glasses that give me the slightest bit of realism.

But hey, if you rather I punch someone in the nose rather than tell them to fuck off, I'll happily do it.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The blue dot.

It is amazing how Murphy's law works even with the relatively insignificant parts of our lives. It rains the day after you wash your car. You get caught in a traffic jam due to a crash when you were already running late. And of course you spill something that stains your favorite piece of clothing while wearing it for the first time after you JUST washed it.

The last one happened to me today at work. I wore one of my favorite pants for the first time after they were washed, and got ink on them. Frickin fraggit! So I spent some time putting soap and water on the stain and scrubbing in-between work tasks. Thankfully I got most of it out. But there's this little blue dot now. Yes, blue dot.

Elaine had the red dot on her sweater. I've got the blue dot on my pants.

Of course I won't tell those of you who know me so that you're not searching for it next time I wear pants! Particularly, stares in the crotch or buttocks area shall win one much wrath from the Empress herself (unless you're Jerry Seinfeld or Jason Mraz ;) ).

Monday, August 24, 2009

The date.

Oh boy oh boy. My mother just may have been right (don't tell her I said that), that being a Seinfeld addict has turned my life into a Seinfeld episode. Well, at least tonight's date involved snippets of various episodes. At times I was George, other times Jerry, and sometimes I was thinking things that George would be saying to himself on the show. Only if you are as much of a Seinfeld nutcase as me would you recognize what episodes these moments are in, and I'm not about to recount those details from the show if you are not. Sorry (not).

So I met a guy for a date at a coffee shop (that is SO the cliche place for first dates!). I get there before him and I have to poo (I usually have to poo at the beginning of dates, when I'm nervous). I go to the bathroom and see that it's locked and you have to show your receipt to get the key to be able to use it. But I hadn't bought anything yet and thought it would be rude to do so before he showed up. So I just sit there. It wasn't a strong urge to poo, but just felt that if I went then, I'd be more comfortable during the date. And if it were a strong urge, I would've just asked in a frantic hurry. Then I thought to myself that she would believe me if I told her I would be buying something, but I just need to use the bathroom right away. But as I thought that, he showed up. We then got to talking and I forgot about pooing.

It went away. Seriously-the poo. It went away.

Then there was the awkward thought: "Should I pay for my own drink, or would that insult him because he asked me out and so he was planning to pay?" Usually unless it's somehow clear with "I'd like to take you out for coffee" or whatever, I assume that I should pay for myself. But idiot me decides to go through my regular meticulous decision-making process on what to order, and so I worried that he'd think it was some passive-aggressive way of forcing him to pay. But I'm SERIOUS it was not! My plan was to go up to the counter first and just pay for my drink and then let him do his thing. But he made his decision on what he wanted much faster than me and ordered first, then waited for me to order and paid it as one order. And like a moron I take out my wallet. If he had handed her a credit card I probably would've given her cash for my portion, but his cash covered it and I think it would be awkward and insulting to give him cash for my drink. So then I worry, "Did he think I was just going through the motions to make it look like I had intention to pay when I really didn't?" NO! Of course I could've said "I can pay for my drink" in a nonchalant way but didn't want to do that either cuz I didn't want the fact that we were on an awkward first date to be even more obvious to her.

The moron then just put her wallet back in her purse.

I came to terms with it cuz it was just coffee and therefore not a big deal. Though at one point I thought that what I ordered did cost more than his drink. You know with my fru fru drinks and all, when all he gets is black coffee. But it's like an extra buck so yes, I did get over it and not stress during the rest of the date.

But then there were the typical awkward moments of just looking at each other at times feeling all shy and nervous and not knowing what to say. So during those moments I find myself saying things that are not very normal responses. Like he says, "You look cute." "Thanks, so what time do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Then he started saying something that I didn't really hear because I suddenly realized and thought, "Shit! I didn't order decaf. Now I'm gonna be up tonight and I have a 7:30 class in the morning! That's just fucking fantastic." Wonder what he thought I was thinking when he saw my face at that point.

When I got home I pooed.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Acting

So I was talking with a woman on the train the other day and she was saying how much she likes Jennifer Aniston. So I asked her if she's seen the movie "Derailed." "Yeah, but I didn't like her character. I like her better as the cute girl on 'Friends'."

Um, okay. Does she realize she's an ACTOR and her job is to portray her character in the movie as authentically as possible? Otherwise how is it acting if they play the same type of person all the time? Doesn't it speak more to an actor's talent and ability if they can play a variety of roles? A nice person, asshole, villain? Newsflash folks: assholes do exist. Life isn't all bunnies and rainbows.

That's what I don't get, when people will say they "didn't like how much of a jerk she or he was being in that." But that's their job! If they did a good job portraying an asshole, they did it well! You realize that's not how they probably are in real life right? They're ACTORS. It's often the writer's or director's goal to portray a particular story, or message about life, a caricature about the human condition, or simply bring an idea to the screen.

I mean, if you want to watch something ordinary and predictable where people are pretending to like each other all the time, don't you already have YOUR LIFE for that?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Rings

So someone the other day asked me if the ring I was wearing was my engagement ring. Um, no, I said, thoroughly confused since it was not a single diamond ring nor was it on my left hand. But the person proceeded to tell me that engagement rings are worn on the right hand and after the wedding ceremony, they are moved to the left hand. I cannot tell you HOW annoyed and confused I felt by this, cuz up until this point I thought that "engagement rings" were single diamonds and are worn on the left hand. Plus back in college, I had worn an Indian ring on my right hand, and someone had told me that I shouldn't wear it cuz it is a wedding band (granted it did look like what Westerners would wear as a wedding band). But I thought that if it was on my right hand, then people wouldn't think it was a wedding band, that it's just a ring and I'm not married.

Doesn't matter what I do, people get the wrong impression!!!! Now a person cannot deck her body with whatever fucking ornament she wants without it meaning anything??? Can't it just be jewelry? Rings don't mean anything anymore anyway given that many devoted spouses don't wear rings, and some that flaunt huge rocks or bands are having affairs. So why the hell does it matter what I wear? Especially to someone who knows I'm not in a relationship?

I think I'll respond with, "You obviously have no life if you're noticing something like this." Or better yet, "No, doesn't mean I'm married. Matter of fact, means I'm a radically liberal femininazi who believes in killing babies for the fun of it." Now that'll change the meaning of some fashion choices, won't it?

Monday, August 10, 2009

The misc. grocery run.

You know what that is. That one trip in the week where you have to buy a bunch of random things cuz you forgot them during your regular weekly trip to the grocery store. I hate not getting everything in that one trip and having to go back!

Though the list for the trip back is pretty funny, with totally random stuff.

-Carrots
-Fabric softener
-Raid spray
-Shredded cheese

I have a Fry's VIP card so I usually go there for most stuff. Once I had a misc grocery run with no food items, and the cashier said to me, "You don't have any food here!"

Ooooh, so I guess it's not approoooopriate to go to the grocery store unless you're buying a FOOD item! I wanted to say to her, "Like YOU'VE never done that? Can you just check me out and let me be on my way so that I can talk to my friends about you? Thanks."

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The convertible

Is it just me, or does anyone else look at a convertible car and feel like the word "convertible" is an over-statement for it? I mean, yes, it converts from having a top to no top, but when I think of the word *convert* I feel like it should turn into something totally different than a car. Like a private jet. Or a little personal movie theatre. Or a space shuttle.

I'd like to meet an alien in outer space. Somehow they sometimes seem like they'd be more interesting than humans...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

It's all good.

Have you ever noticed that people say "it's all good" when it's not all good? I mean yes, it IS for all intents and purposes good, but it's not like the situation is truly ALL GOOD. Like when someone says to me, "Sorry I was late Felda" and I say "It's all good," but why? Cuz it's not the end of the world that the person was late? Cuz I'm still alive? But doesn't it make sense to say it in a situation where it's truly *all good* like a fun dinner party or at the beach? Next time I'm at the beach with beautiful sunshine, blue skies and seas, and cute surfers, then I'll say "Ah yeeeeah, it's All GOOD."

See what I mean?

Good. :)

Friday, July 31, 2009

Innovations in Pizza

So now, you know that we have hit the bottom of the barrel with interesting changes to pizza when all Pizza Hut can come up with is the pizza with the no edge crust. Well it kinda makes sense, I mean we probably have all the innovations to pizza that are possible.

Look at toppings for example. There's all kinds of meat, veggies, pineapple, anchovies (ick)....
Look at the crust: you have thin, thick, hand-tossed, stuffed crust, gluten-free...
Look at cheese: soy, low-fat, whole-milk...
Look at sauce: marinara, pesto, white...
We've even cut it into squares as well as triangles!

I mean, so what else CAN they do with pizza? So we're left with the stupid no-crust pizza. And why do that at all? No special innovations to toilet paper can be made so we left that alone, right? So now, these restaurants need to leave pizza alone.

A pizza without crust is as good as pizza cut into squares: it's not easy to hold. So leave it ALONE.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tiramisu

So like, what's the deal with Tiramisu? Is it cake, is it custard, what the hell is it?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Irony

Okay, so I'm just gonna say this one time (ah, who am I kiddin, I'll be bitchin about it for as long as I live): how can we put a man on the moon and yet so many people don't know what the definition of "irony" is??? K, I'm gonna throw out some other words that people actually mean when they say "ironic:"

Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*

Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Capitalism

Now you gotta admire the audacity of capitalism, don't ya? Even in this economic crisis, you've got those morons outside the grocery trying to sell you portraits. Um yeah, of all the things I could purchase, the one thing I REALLY need is a picture of my non-photogenic self. And the stupid way they make you pose too: K, now point your knees to the left, face the right, tilt your head to the left, and look to your right. Now smile and say cheese! What the fuck is all that???

Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"

Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"

(Imagine that with the voice.)

Numbers

Ever notice how in movies, when the characters give someone their numbers, the beginning of the phone numbers always start with 555? I mean can the writers come up with ANY other number combinations? I can come up with a few off the top of my head right now: 785, 937, 864, 232. See?



I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.



Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.

See?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Eyeballs

Okay, so you know those ads about "the money you could be saving with Geico"? I KNOW that it's supposed to be eyeballs on the money, but I'm sorry, they just look like two rolls of toilet paper to me.

I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?

Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Coordinator

Ever notice how the word "coordinator" is becoming more and more common in job titles? It's what gets thrown in there when the employer doesn't quite know what the person is going to be doing. "I'm a research coordinator. I uh, don't actually do the research, I uh, just, you know, coordinate it."

In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.

Raffles

Another cliche is how we always say "I NEVER win anything!" Amazing how we forget what our odds are. Kinda like saying "I never get struck by lightening, or win the lottery, or run into Jerry Seinfeld on the street...."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Political Issues

The thing I don't get is how abortion became such a political issue in our country. I mean I can understand how people see it as a moral and religious one, but trying to push for legislation on someone else's body based on one's own religious values is just futile and unfair, isn't it? And it's not something that impacts everyone such that it needs a law, unlike healthcare, the stock market, or traffic laws. Kinda like: "A woman HAS to go through with the pregnancy even though she doesn't feel ready to put her body through it!" And forget the fact that we have a growing population problem on earth.

Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Emerson

So Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty..."

Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Divorce

I would think that the very possibility of divorce would keep people from getting married. Yet millions of people get married all the time. I mean sure, I can undertstand being in love and therefore wanting to get married, and I can imagine that divorce is hard. But there are some folks who get married and divorced like multiple times.

So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Shampoo and conditioner

They now fall in the category of hot dugs and hot dog buns. I mean, how do I run out of conditioner well before the shampoo??? I still have about 3 washes of shampoo left in the current bottle, and have already made a very noticable dent in the new conditioner bottle. Just can't keep up with the conditioner!

Love letters

I'm not talking about actual love letters per se. I'm talking about the fake compliments that we get in our society. "We had a very talented pool to choose from and our decision was hard. We wish you luck in your endeavors....." blah blah blah blah blah blah...

For once I'd like to see a casting director or potential employer have the balls to simply state the results without the foo foo language:

"Sorry, you didn't get the job." End of fucking storry....or even

"Your audition sucked balls and you're just not good enough for the show." At least I can get a laugh out of a rejection letter like that....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Split ends

You know how they say "stop and smell the roses sometimes"? Well I'd actually like to stop and pick at my split ends. I was at a red light earlier today and happened to find a good split end in my hair and just as I was about to take care of it, the light turned green. I mean, I get that we are in a go-go world and it's actually a good thing if traffic keeps moving but you know, sometimes that extra few seconds to take care of a split end wouldn't be such a bad thing!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A little hair

So there's this little hair on my head. It's on my right temple and by lucky chance I might find it as I'm running my fingers through my hair. And why do I consider it to be a lucky chance? Because it has a very rough texture to it and so it's kinda fun to feel it. It's the most fun hair strand on my head. Of course getting a hold of it can be a challenge cuz of all the other hairs around it, so when I do get a secure hold of it, it's like "victory!" Then it feels good to feel it and when I'm ready, I break it. That's the one fun of feeling a rough hair strand, is the feeling of breaking it.

Now I have to wait another couple months before that piece of hair is back.

I will wait for you little hair!

Monday, May 04, 2009

Margins

So what's the deal with the default right and left margins in MS Word being 1.25????? WHO would set their margins to that? Perhaps undergrads who want to make it look like they wrote a longer paper. It'd be interesting to see how much time we lose fixing such stupid things all the time. I mean, I don't go to the store and buy 1.25 pounds of tomatoes do I?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The last word

Computers are kinda like health insurance, in our day-to-day lives. We need them, but they also cause a lot of grief and are often not very helpful. Like when an application freezes and I hit control-alt-delete to get to the task manager to try to end the program, THAT is when a message comes up saying "Word is not responding" and gives me the option to end it.

Naw, REALLY?

It's not enough that we have people in our lives who have to have the last word, a useless piece of technology does too!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Hangers

Of course we can't make things simple, oh no. The more complicated the better right, cuz that's how the man makes money? I mean, why can't we just keep the hangers that the clothes come on? Wouldn't that save the step of actually purchasing hangers?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

What do I do?

It can be confusing to explain what I do being in a psych grad program. I have work, which is referred to as an "assistantship" with the college, so that I can get a paycheck, health insurance, tuition reimbursement. But the assistantship can be with any dept, even one not related to psych. And not only that, these days people aren't guaranteed the same job the entire time they're in the program, and sometimes people have to look for funding from one semester to the next. One year I was a desk assistant, another I was a research assistant. Another year I was teaching undergrads. I also have an internship where I get clinical experience, unpaid. But my program calls this a "fieldplacement." And before the fieldplacement we have a "practicum" that's at the counseling center on campus. And then we have a final year of pre-doc "internship" which is working full-time as a therapist before actually getting the degree. It's like the equivalent of a medical residency, except it happens before the degree is awarded. And of course we take our own classes, have research (thesis, dissertation)...it really *all* feels like work cuz the classes become less didactic and more research-focused. Like now, I'm done with all my actual classes, so I'll just be taking dissertation credits to keep my full-time student status so I can defer having to pay back loans. So moving forward the focus will be on dissertation, internship applications, and whatever type of assistantship I get.

So needless to say, having so many different hats to wear can make it confusing when explaining what I do to people, even people who I'm close to. It's like:

Person: "Hey, what's up."
Me: "Not much, just got back from work so I'm a bit tired."
Person: "I thought you're a student?"
Me: "I am, it's my assistantship."
Person: "What's that?"
Me: "My job at ASU so I can get tuition and a paycheck."
Person: "Oh. So how much do students get paid for doing therapy?"
Me: "Oh well, I don't do therapy for the assistantship. I'm doing some web management stuff."
Person: "Huh? How's that related to psychology?"
Me: Sigh...

Or here's another scenario:

Me: "I have so much homework for my class!"
Person: "I thought you're interning."
Me: "I am, but I'm also taking a class. The fieldplacement is just 3 credits."
Person: "What's a fieldplacment?"
Me: grumble grumble grumble. "The internship."
Person: "Why do you have to be out in the field for that, don't you see clients on campus?"
Me: ARGH....

Or yet another:

My assistantship supervisor: "So hows' it going, how are you progressing in your progam?
Me: "Well, if all goes well, I can apply for residency next year." (I say residency to her because she's not familiar with psych programs, and I assumed she'd understand it from an MD perspective)
Supervisor: "Oh, I thought you were a resident of the state because we pay your tuition at an in-state rate."
Me: GROOOOAAAAANNNNNN

This is all I'm gonna say from now on: (imagine this)

Me: I'm a crazy, helping other crazies, in a crazy system. (as I give the person the finger)
Person: Why are you flipping me off?
Me: I JUST said I'm crazy!!!!


Monday, April 13, 2009

Recipes

Some parts of recipes just don't make sense, do they? Like a "dash" of pepper. Well, what the hell is just a dash of pepper gonna do to an entire casserole? Or a "pinch" of salt. As salty as Americans like things, I think they mean a LAYER of salt, don't they??

The recipe might as well have "a drop of pee." Will make about the same amount of difference as the pinch of salt!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Biting

So we can put a man on the moon, circle Mars, have phones that take pictures, yet how is it that after so many years of biting experience, we still make a mistake of biting our tongues or the insides of our cheeks? I mean here we've made all this progress and we eat at least 3 meals a day, chew gum all the time, yet after who knows how many years of evolution, we still accidentally bite ourselves? I bit the side of my tongue today and if a therapist knew the thoughts and language going through my head, I could've been committed to a mental institution.

So if you think about it, biting someone else would be something we wouldn't hesitate to do, cuz it wouldn't hurt!

"You're an asshole."
"Bite me."
"Gladly."

Monday, April 06, 2009

Mashed potatoes

Mashed potatoes: now that's an interesting concept. I wonder how the idea came about. Someone was pissed off, so they took it out on the potatoes. "I'm gonna beat you senseless til you're mush! Then eat ya!"

I like mine with ranch dressing.

:)

Microwaves

Now microwaves have been around for a while now, yes? Then why do people still not know how to maintain them so that they don't gross out their coworkers? The microwave at work looked like someone had thrown up all kinds of nasty shit in it. Obviously covering the food while heating it is not a concept that most have caught on to, or cleaning up after yourself for that matter.

The place doesn't need a sign that says "Please clean up after yourself cuz your mama don't work heya" (imagine that one in a southern accent). It needs:

"My cat is more respectful than you because she eats her own vomit."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Breakfast

So if we sometimes have breakfast for dinner, then how come we never have dinner for breakfast?

Monday, March 16, 2009

Clapping

So in this acting class I'm taking, our instructor says that "we always clap for each other" when presenting. I mean I get that it's about showing support for each other because everyone's getting out of their comfort zone some, it can be nerve-racking, yada yada yada. But if we ALWAYS clap, then doesn't it lose its meaning? Shouldn't we clap only if the performance brings out clapping in us? Shouldn't the performer know in some way if they suck?

Don't worry, I've thought this through. You don't think I'd say such a thing without thinking through how I'd react if nobody clapped for me now did you? This is what I'd do:

Sit on the ground, take off my shoes and socks, flash my toe and say "fuck you melonfarmers! You think you coulda done that better??? Come up and prove it! I bet my CAT can act better than you!"

Ahem, k, I'm done.

:)

Sweat pants

Okay, so you know how women shouldn't wear pants that show their camel toes? Well for a similar type of reason is why I think men should not be allowed to wear sweat pants. You don't wanna see my camel toe? Then what the hell makes you think I want to see the little ding dong ringing with every move you make?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Asshole

I'm questioning why the word "asshole" became such an insult. Because I really enjoy the morning dump. And during that time I really appreciate my asshole. Actually, a lot of insults deal with the most basic part of living. So perhaps it's our subconscious telling the person that we, in actuality, really care for them. So here are some suggested responses:

-Asshole!
Gee, thanks!
-Go fuck yourself!
I will, and that'll help me to feel better, thanks for the suggestion!
-Butthead
Aw thanks-I didn't think Iwas smart enough to have 2 heads on my body!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Flowers? No, PENS.

Anyone besides me think that customer service desks putting plastic flowers on top of their pens is STOOOPID??? It's like I'm standing there thinking it's a vase of flowers next to me and I ask for a pen. The woman gets up to take it out of that canister, a pen with a flower on top. WHY?!!! I didn't know they were pens! I thought they were just flowers! If there are just plain pens in there, she wouldn't have had to get up now would she?

And not only that, but I start writing with it and the flower flys off!

I kinda wish the flower hit someone that worked there. Then would they get how stupid it is?

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Longevity

Ever notice how we're always trying to prolong our lives? Eat this and it'll help you live longer. Breathe this way and it'll help you live longer. Do yoga and it'll help you live longer. We get too focused on living longer rather than living itself.

But does anyone wonder WHY we'd want to live longer? Thing about it, it just means dealing with more ups and downs of the economy, more dealing with stupid, mean or pansy-assed bosses, more showering, more cleaning, more shopping, more cooking, more flossing... and for what seems like from the beginning of time the only thing on the US news is the economy and Gaza strip. I don't know that I want to continue to see that...

Though, as my professor says, I don't wanna sit on a cloud and play the harp for eternity either.

Not exactly thrilling.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Oratory language

I think it's funny how we can be so wishy washy and tentative in our language. I've been noticing it more and more lately so it's been annoying me a bit more. I try not to do it and end up doing it anyway! And it's worse when people do it during a speech or presentation, a time when you should be firm, clear and confident.

"Okay, so the next thing I'm sorta gonna do is cover chapter 6, and I'd kind of like you to think about some ways in which it could be improved. Then we're going to try to fill in those gaps with your thoughts."

Sorta? Kind of like? Going to try? Wouldn't the person actually cover chapter 6, or just sorta cover it? Only *kind of like* people to think about improvement areas? Only *try* to fill in gaps? Don't they want to say "I'm going to cover chapter 6! Think about ways it can be improved! We will fill in gaps!"

Cuz the thing is, we have no problem telling people straight-up, "Go to hell!" or "Fuck you!"

Well, perhaps when I'm frustrated with someone at work and if I phrase it in a tentative way, I could probably get away with saying it to their face:

"I'd sorta like you to fuck yourself. Then gota hell, k?"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Bathroom keys

If aliens were watching us from outer space, they'd think that there is some special hidden treasure in public bathrooms. I mean at work, and now at school in this building I have a class in, the bathrooms are locked and it is a huge ordeal to just get your hands on the keys just so you can do the most BASIC chore of the day. There's just one key in the office for all the women and when I really gotta go, you can just imagine the curse words in my head when I go to the front desk and see the key missing.

Then at school this week, on the first day of class, the bathroom was on the 2nd floor. And not only did we need a key to get into a bathroom, we needed ANOTHER key to just get into the hallway before we even made it to the bathroom. And of course there's only ONE key. So like kindergarteners the instructor took the girls up first, then the boys. Field trip to the potty...

So not only do you have to have special access, you have to go as a group, so there MUST be something special to see in there...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"Watch your step."

Ever notice how the "Watch your step" signs are always ON the step that you're supposed to be watching?? I noticed that on the train the other day. If I see the step, I see the sign. Isn't the point of the sign to help me see the step?

It then makes just as much sense to have a sign on the floor where your face would land from tripping that says "Told you so."

Monday, January 05, 2009

Sacrifice

Notice how in a few cultures there exists the sacrificing of living beings to the gods? Whether it be virgins or the best horse breed, or whatever. So killing something else is supposed bring auspiciousness to you? Seems like bit too easy of a ticket, doesn't it? Hmm, makes sense that we've turned into a world of violence.

Well now come to think of it, there *are* a few people I wouldn't mind seen taken out. Perhaps a way for me to reach nirvana?