Monday, August 24, 2009

The date.

Oh boy oh boy. My mother just may have been right (don't tell her I said that), that being a Seinfeld addict has turned my life into a Seinfeld episode. Well, at least tonight's date involved snippets of various episodes. At times I was George, other times Jerry, and sometimes I was thinking things that George would be saying to himself on the show. Only if you are as much of a Seinfeld nutcase as me would you recognize what episodes these moments are in, and I'm not about to recount those details from the show if you are not. Sorry (not).

So I met a guy for a date at a coffee shop (that is SO the cliche place for first dates!). I get there before him and I have to poo (I usually have to poo at the beginning of dates, when I'm nervous). I go to the bathroom and see that it's locked and you have to show your receipt to get the key to be able to use it. But I hadn't bought anything yet and thought it would be rude to do so before he showed up. So I just sit there. It wasn't a strong urge to poo, but just felt that if I went then, I'd be more comfortable during the date. And if it were a strong urge, I would've just asked in a frantic hurry. Then I thought to myself that she would believe me if I told her I would be buying something, but I just need to use the bathroom right away. But as I thought that, he showed up. We then got to talking and I forgot about pooing.

It went away. Seriously-the poo. It went away.

Then there was the awkward thought: "Should I pay for my own drink, or would that insult him because he asked me out and so he was planning to pay?" Usually unless it's somehow clear with "I'd like to take you out for coffee" or whatever, I assume that I should pay for myself. But idiot me decides to go through my regular meticulous decision-making process on what to order, and so I worried that he'd think it was some passive-aggressive way of forcing him to pay. But I'm SERIOUS it was not! My plan was to go up to the counter first and just pay for my drink and then let him do his thing. But he made his decision on what he wanted much faster than me and ordered first, then waited for me to order and paid it as one order. And like a moron I take out my wallet. If he had handed her a credit card I probably would've given her cash for my portion, but his cash covered it and I think it would be awkward and insulting to give him cash for my drink. So then I worry, "Did he think I was just going through the motions to make it look like I had intention to pay when I really didn't?" NO! Of course I could've said "I can pay for my drink" in a nonchalant way but didn't want to do that either cuz I didn't want the fact that we were on an awkward first date to be even more obvious to her.

The moron then just put her wallet back in her purse.

I came to terms with it cuz it was just coffee and therefore not a big deal. Though at one point I thought that what I ordered did cost more than his drink. You know with my fru fru drinks and all, when all he gets is black coffee. But it's like an extra buck so yes, I did get over it and not stress during the rest of the date.

But then there were the typical awkward moments of just looking at each other at times feeling all shy and nervous and not knowing what to say. So during those moments I find myself saying things that are not very normal responses. Like he says, "You look cute." "Thanks, so what time do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Then he started saying something that I didn't really hear because I suddenly realized and thought, "Shit! I didn't order decaf. Now I'm gonna be up tonight and I have a 7:30 class in the morning! That's just fucking fantastic." Wonder what he thought I was thinking when he saw my face at that point.

When I got home I pooed.

10 comments:

Kenike said...

hahahahaha. That is so funny. And what would Elaine have said?

Will there be a second date?

Felda, Jerry Seinfeld's Biggest Fan said...

Those type of things didn't happen to Elaine so I'm not sure what she would've said or thought. Probably "Great, I didn't get decaf" and not listen to him very much-ha!

We left it with plans to get together again Friday night. Unless I scared him away and he changes his mind before then-ha! I actually had a good time, we had fun conversation and he was really sweet. I wasn't particularly attracted to him when I saw him at work and then remembered your suggestion to date against type. And it turns out we have a good amount in common, so we'll see.

Kenike said...

Yay for dating against type!!!

And yay for second dates. :)

Imaginista said...

Oh my god - you really should have had a warning not to read this at work - I laughed out loud and now everybody thinks I am screwing around on the internet. Oh, that's right, I am.

This is so funny! I am going to print it out so I can read it out loud when I have to give the maid of honor speech at your wedding. I just realized I've never been anybody's maid of honor - I wonder why?

Kenike said...

Oh, that is hilarious, Jeanne.

BE said...
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pastamasta said...

Aargh!! Now I have coffee droplets (non-decaf, of course, anything else is simply unthinkable darling) on my monitor from laughing at the mental imagery of your indecisive poo. And the whole should-I-pay-or-should-I-no dilemma. So very, very familiar. And hilarious. (Sorry. It isn't schadenfreude, you just described it very wittily.)

Shy and nervous moments sound like a good sign, actually...

Felda, Jerry Seinfeld's Biggest Fan said...

Ha ha, I agree, decaf is NASTY. Unless it's in a fru fru drink, then you can't taste the nastiness.

Nothing ever did come of this, no second date. The bloke ended up being an idiot, hence my comment in the Pluto post.

pastamasta said...

Pah. Anyone who refuses a second date with you is clearly an idiot by definition. His loss.

Felda, Jerry Seinfeld's Biggest Fan said...

Ah gee, thanks. You're too kind. :) Actually, I ended it myself. Though the reason for that was I sensed he wasn't so much into me as he was into the possibility of getting in my pants.