Interesting how scientific findings over time change our reality of the world isn't it? I still often forget that Pluto is now a moon instead of a planet. But it was always a planet when I was a kid! Now I have to see it as a moon?
That would be a funny way to break up with someone. "At first I saw you as promising, now I just see you as an idiot." Okay, so not everyone has my sense of humor. ;)
So if I'm ever a grandparent, given that I lived in the desert most of my life I probably won't be able to get it past my grandkids that I had to walk 10 miles uphill everday in the snow to get to school. But I COULD say, "When I was your age, Pluto was a planet!"
Profanity
The thing I don't get is why we try to be so careful about not swearing in front of children. Oh yeah, trying to be good role models, yada yada yada.
But think about it, if many of us swear as adults anyway, then isn't avoiding to do so in the presence of children just postponing the inevitable? Like medicine? Or marriage. Ha ha, I digress.
Anyway, I don't recall my parents swearing much when I was a child (not in English anyway) yet I swear like the worst of the sailors. Catch me during an allergy attack and I'm dropping the F-bomb every second and cursing God, her mother, and every useless life form she's put on this earth.
And the f-bomb is not okay in PG-13 movies but physical fights between children is? Anything wrong with this picture? Aren't there worse things in this world compared to profanity? Oh, forgive me for wearing glasses that give me the slightest bit of realism.
But hey, if you rather I punch someone in the nose rather than tell them to fuck off, I'll happily do it.
But think about it, if many of us swear as adults anyway, then isn't avoiding to do so in the presence of children just postponing the inevitable? Like medicine? Or marriage. Ha ha, I digress.
Anyway, I don't recall my parents swearing much when I was a child (not in English anyway) yet I swear like the worst of the sailors. Catch me during an allergy attack and I'm dropping the F-bomb every second and cursing God, her mother, and every useless life form she's put on this earth.
And the f-bomb is not okay in PG-13 movies but physical fights between children is? Anything wrong with this picture? Aren't there worse things in this world compared to profanity? Oh, forgive me for wearing glasses that give me the slightest bit of realism.
But hey, if you rather I punch someone in the nose rather than tell them to fuck off, I'll happily do it.
The blue dot.
It is amazing how Murphy's law works even with the relatively insignificant parts of our lives. It rains the day after you wash your car. You get caught in a traffic jam due to a crash when you were already running late. And of course you spill something that stains your favorite piece of clothing while wearing it for the first time after you JUST washed it.
The last one happened to me today at work. I wore one of my favorite pants for the first time after they were washed, and got ink on them. Frickin fraggit! So I spent some time putting soap and water on the stain and scrubbing in-between work tasks. Thankfully I got most of it out. But there's this little blue dot now. Yes, blue dot.
Elaine had the red dot on her sweater. I've got the blue dot on my pants.
Of course I won't tell those of you who know me so that you're not searching for it next time I wear pants! Particularly, stares in the crotch or buttocks area shall win one much wrath from the Empress herself (unless you're Jerry Seinfeld or Jason Mraz ;) ).
The last one happened to me today at work. I wore one of my favorite pants for the first time after they were washed, and got ink on them. Frickin fraggit! So I spent some time putting soap and water on the stain and scrubbing in-between work tasks. Thankfully I got most of it out. But there's this little blue dot now. Yes, blue dot.
Elaine had the red dot on her sweater. I've got the blue dot on my pants.
Of course I won't tell those of you who know me so that you're not searching for it next time I wear pants! Particularly, stares in the crotch or buttocks area shall win one much wrath from the Empress herself (unless you're Jerry Seinfeld or Jason Mraz ;) ).
The date.
Oh boy oh boy. My mother just may have been right (don't tell her I said that), that being a Seinfeld addict has turned my life into a Seinfeld episode. Well, at least tonight's date involved snippets of various episodes. At times I was George, other times Jerry, and sometimes I was thinking things that George would be saying to himself on the show. Only if you are as much of a Seinfeld nutcase as me would you recognize what episodes these moments are in, and I'm not about to recount those details from the show if you are not. Sorry (not).
So I met a guy for a date at a coffee shop (that is SO the cliche place for first dates!). I get there before him and I have to poo (I usually have to poo at the beginning of dates, when I'm nervous). I go to the bathroom and see that it's locked and you have to show your receipt to get the key to be able to use it. But I hadn't bought anything yet and thought it would be rude to do so before he showed up. So I just sit there. It wasn't a strong urge to poo, but just felt that if I went then, I'd be more comfortable during the date. And if it were a strong urge, I would've just asked in a frantic hurry. Then I thought to myself that she would believe me if I told her I would be buying something, but I just need to use the bathroom right away. But as I thought that, he showed up. We then got to talking and I forgot about pooing.
It went away. Seriously-the poo. It went away.
Then there was the awkward thought: "Should I pay for my own drink, or would that insult him because he asked me out and so he was planning to pay?" Usually unless it's somehow clear with "I'd like to take you out for coffee" or whatever, I assume that I should pay for myself. But idiot me decides to go through my regular meticulous decision-making process on what to order, and so I worried that he'd think it was some passive-aggressive way of forcing him to pay. But I'm SERIOUS it was not! My plan was to go up to the counter first and just pay for my drink and then let him do his thing. But he made his decision on what he wanted much faster than me and ordered first, then waited for me to order and paid it as one order. And like a moron I take out my wallet. If he had handed her a credit card I probably would've given her cash for my portion, but his cash covered it and I think it would be awkward and insulting to give him cash for my drink. So then I worry, "Did he think I was just going through the motions to make it look like I had intention to pay when I really didn't?" NO! Of course I could've said "I can pay for my drink" in a nonchalant way but didn't want to do that either cuz I didn't want the fact that we were on an awkward first date to be even more obvious to her.
The moron then just put her wallet back in her purse.
I came to terms with it cuz it was just coffee and therefore not a big deal. Though at one point I thought that what I ordered did cost more than his drink. You know with my fru fru drinks and all, when all he gets is black coffee. But it's like an extra buck so yes, I did get over it and not stress during the rest of the date.
But then there were the typical awkward moments of just looking at each other at times feeling all shy and nervous and not knowing what to say. So during those moments I find myself saying things that are not very normal responses. Like he says, "You look cute." "Thanks, so what time do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Then he started saying something that I didn't really hear because I suddenly realized and thought, "Shit! I didn't order decaf. Now I'm gonna be up tonight and I have a 7:30 class in the morning! That's just fucking fantastic." Wonder what he thought I was thinking when he saw my face at that point.
When I got home I pooed.
So I met a guy for a date at a coffee shop (that is SO the cliche place for first dates!). I get there before him and I have to poo (I usually have to poo at the beginning of dates, when I'm nervous). I go to the bathroom and see that it's locked and you have to show your receipt to get the key to be able to use it. But I hadn't bought anything yet and thought it would be rude to do so before he showed up. So I just sit there. It wasn't a strong urge to poo, but just felt that if I went then, I'd be more comfortable during the date. And if it were a strong urge, I would've just asked in a frantic hurry. Then I thought to myself that she would believe me if I told her I would be buying something, but I just need to use the bathroom right away. But as I thought that, he showed up. We then got to talking and I forgot about pooing.
It went away. Seriously-the poo. It went away.
Then there was the awkward thought: "Should I pay for my own drink, or would that insult him because he asked me out and so he was planning to pay?" Usually unless it's somehow clear with "I'd like to take you out for coffee" or whatever, I assume that I should pay for myself. But idiot me decides to go through my regular meticulous decision-making process on what to order, and so I worried that he'd think it was some passive-aggressive way of forcing him to pay. But I'm SERIOUS it was not! My plan was to go up to the counter first and just pay for my drink and then let him do his thing. But he made his decision on what he wanted much faster than me and ordered first, then waited for me to order and paid it as one order. And like a moron I take out my wallet. If he had handed her a credit card I probably would've given her cash for my portion, but his cash covered it and I think it would be awkward and insulting to give him cash for my drink. So then I worry, "Did he think I was just going through the motions to make it look like I had intention to pay when I really didn't?" NO! Of course I could've said "I can pay for my drink" in a nonchalant way but didn't want to do that either cuz I didn't want the fact that we were on an awkward first date to be even more obvious to her.
The moron then just put her wallet back in her purse.
I came to terms with it cuz it was just coffee and therefore not a big deal. Though at one point I thought that what I ordered did cost more than his drink. You know with my fru fru drinks and all, when all he gets is black coffee. But it's like an extra buck so yes, I did get over it and not stress during the rest of the date.
But then there were the typical awkward moments of just looking at each other at times feeling all shy and nervous and not knowing what to say. So during those moments I find myself saying things that are not very normal responses. Like he says, "You look cute." "Thanks, so what time do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Then he started saying something that I didn't really hear because I suddenly realized and thought, "Shit! I didn't order decaf. Now I'm gonna be up tonight and I have a 7:30 class in the morning! That's just fucking fantastic." Wonder what he thought I was thinking when he saw my face at that point.
When I got home I pooed.
Acting
So I was talking with a woman on the train the other day and she was saying how much she likes Jennifer Aniston. So I asked her if she's seen the movie "Derailed." "Yeah, but I didn't like her character. I like her better as the cute girl on 'Friends'."
Um, okay. Does she realize she's an ACTOR and her job is to portray her character in the movie as authentically as possible? Otherwise how is it acting if they play the same type of person all the time? Doesn't it speak more to an actor's talent and ability if they can play a variety of roles? A nice person, asshole, villain? Newsflash folks: assholes do exist. Life isn't all bunnies and rainbows.
That's what I don't get, when people will say they "didn't like how much of a jerk she or he was being in that." But that's their job! If they did a good job portraying an asshole, they did it well! You realize that's not how they probably are in real life right? They're ACTORS. It's often the writer's or director's goal to portray a particular story, or message about life, a caricature about the human condition, or simply bring an idea to the screen.
I mean, if you want to watch something ordinary and predictable where people are pretending to like each other all the time, don't you already have YOUR LIFE for that?
Um, okay. Does she realize she's an ACTOR and her job is to portray her character in the movie as authentically as possible? Otherwise how is it acting if they play the same type of person all the time? Doesn't it speak more to an actor's talent and ability if they can play a variety of roles? A nice person, asshole, villain? Newsflash folks: assholes do exist. Life isn't all bunnies and rainbows.
That's what I don't get, when people will say they "didn't like how much of a jerk she or he was being in that." But that's their job! If they did a good job portraying an asshole, they did it well! You realize that's not how they probably are in real life right? They're ACTORS. It's often the writer's or director's goal to portray a particular story, or message about life, a caricature about the human condition, or simply bring an idea to the screen.
I mean, if you want to watch something ordinary and predictable where people are pretending to like each other all the time, don't you already have YOUR LIFE for that?
Rings
So someone the other day asked me if the ring I was wearing was my engagement ring. Um, no, I said, thoroughly confused since it was not a single diamond ring nor was it on my left hand. But the person proceeded to tell me that engagement rings are worn on the right hand and after the wedding ceremony, they are moved to the left hand. I cannot tell you HOW annoyed and confused I felt by this, cuz up until this point I thought that "engagement rings" were single diamonds and are worn on the left hand. Plus back in college, I had worn an Indian ring on my right hand, and someone had told me that I shouldn't wear it cuz it is a wedding band (granted it did look like what Westerners would wear as a wedding band). But I thought that if it was on my right hand, then people wouldn't think it was a wedding band, that it's just a ring and I'm not married.
Doesn't matter what I do, people get the wrong impression!!!! Now a person cannot deck her body with whatever fucking ornament she wants without it meaning anything??? Can't it just be jewelry? Rings don't mean anything anymore anyway given that many devoted spouses don't wear rings, and some that flaunt huge rocks or bands are having affairs. So why the hell does it matter what I wear? Especially to someone who knows I'm not in a relationship?
I think I'll respond with, "You obviously have no life if you're noticing something like this." Or better yet, "No, doesn't mean I'm married. Matter of fact, means I'm a radically liberal femininazi who believes in killing babies for the fun of it." Now that'll change the meaning of some fashion choices, won't it?
Doesn't matter what I do, people get the wrong impression!!!! Now a person cannot deck her body with whatever fucking ornament she wants without it meaning anything??? Can't it just be jewelry? Rings don't mean anything anymore anyway given that many devoted spouses don't wear rings, and some that flaunt huge rocks or bands are having affairs. So why the hell does it matter what I wear? Especially to someone who knows I'm not in a relationship?
I think I'll respond with, "You obviously have no life if you're noticing something like this." Or better yet, "No, doesn't mean I'm married. Matter of fact, means I'm a radically liberal femininazi who believes in killing babies for the fun of it." Now that'll change the meaning of some fashion choices, won't it?
The misc. grocery run.
You know what that is. That one trip in the week where you have to buy a bunch of random things cuz you forgot them during your regular weekly trip to the grocery store. I hate not getting everything in that one trip and having to go back!
Though the list for the trip back is pretty funny, with totally random stuff.
-Carrots
-Fabric softener
-Raid spray
-Shredded cheese
I have a Fry's VIP card so I usually go there for most stuff. Once I had a misc grocery run with no food items, and the cashier said to me, "You don't have any food here!"
Ooooh, so I guess it's not approoooopriate to go to the grocery store unless you're buying a FOOD item! I wanted to say to her, "Like YOU'VE never done that? Can you just check me out and let me be on my way so that I can talk to my friends about you? Thanks."
Though the list for the trip back is pretty funny, with totally random stuff.
-Carrots
-Fabric softener
-Raid spray
-Shredded cheese
I have a Fry's VIP card so I usually go there for most stuff. Once I had a misc grocery run with no food items, and the cashier said to me, "You don't have any food here!"
Ooooh, so I guess it's not approoooopriate to go to the grocery store unless you're buying a FOOD item! I wanted to say to her, "Like YOU'VE never done that? Can you just check me out and let me be on my way so that I can talk to my friends about you? Thanks."
The convertible
Is it just me, or does anyone else look at a convertible car and feel like the word "convertible" is an over-statement for it? I mean, yes, it converts from having a top to no top, but when I think of the word *convert* I feel like it should turn into something totally different than a car. Like a private jet. Or a little personal movie theatre. Or a space shuttle.
I'd like to meet an alien in outer space. Somehow they sometimes seem like they'd be more interesting than humans...
I'd like to meet an alien in outer space. Somehow they sometimes seem like they'd be more interesting than humans...
It's all good.
Have you ever noticed that people say "it's all good" when it's not all good? I mean yes, it IS for all intents and purposes good, but it's not like the situation is truly ALL GOOD. Like when someone says to me, "Sorry I was late Felda" and I say "It's all good," but why? Cuz it's not the end of the world that the person was late? Cuz I'm still alive? But doesn't it make sense to say it in a situation where it's truly *all good* like a fun dinner party or at the beach? Next time I'm at the beach with beautiful sunshine, blue skies and seas, and cute surfers, then I'll say "Ah yeeeeah, it's All GOOD."
See what I mean?
Good. :)
See what I mean?
Good. :)
Innovations in Pizza
So now, you know that we have hit the bottom of the barrel with interesting changes to pizza when all Pizza Hut can come up with is the pizza with the no edge crust. Well it kinda makes sense, I mean we probably have all the innovations to pizza that are possible.
Look at toppings for example. There's all kinds of meat, veggies, pineapple, anchovies (ick)....
Look at the crust: you have thin, thick, hand-tossed, stuffed crust, gluten-free...
Look at cheese: soy, low-fat, whole-milk...
Look at sauce: marinara, pesto, white...
We've even cut it into squares as well as triangles!
I mean, so what else CAN they do with pizza? So we're left with the stupid no-crust pizza. And why do that at all? No special innovations to toilet paper can be made so we left that alone, right? So now, these restaurants need to leave pizza alone.
A pizza without crust is as good as pizza cut into squares: it's not easy to hold. So leave it ALONE.
Look at toppings for example. There's all kinds of meat, veggies, pineapple, anchovies (ick)....
Look at the crust: you have thin, thick, hand-tossed, stuffed crust, gluten-free...
Look at cheese: soy, low-fat, whole-milk...
Look at sauce: marinara, pesto, white...
We've even cut it into squares as well as triangles!
I mean, so what else CAN they do with pizza? So we're left with the stupid no-crust pizza. And why do that at all? No special innovations to toilet paper can be made so we left that alone, right? So now, these restaurants need to leave pizza alone.
A pizza without crust is as good as pizza cut into squares: it's not easy to hold. So leave it ALONE.
Irony
Okay, so I'm just gonna say this one time (ah, who am I kiddin, I'll be bitchin about it for as long as I live): how can we put a man on the moon and yet so many people don't know what the definition of "irony" is??? K, I'm gonna throw out some other words that people actually mean when they say "ironic:"
Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*
Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?
Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*
Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?
Capitalism
Now you gotta admire the audacity of capitalism, don't ya? Even in this economic crisis, you've got those morons outside the grocery trying to sell you portraits. Um yeah, of all the things I could purchase, the one thing I REALLY need is a picture of my non-photogenic self. And the stupid way they make you pose too: K, now point your knees to the left, face the right, tilt your head to the left, and look to your right. Now smile and say cheese! What the fuck is all that???
Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"
Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"
(Imagine that with the voice.)
Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"
Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"
(Imagine that with the voice.)
Numbers
Ever notice how in movies, when the characters give someone their numbers, the beginning of the phone numbers always start with 555? I mean can the writers come up with ANY other number combinations? I can come up with a few off the top of my head right now: 785, 937, 864, 232. See?
I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.
Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.
See?
I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.
Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.
See?
Eyeballs
Okay, so you know those ads about "the money you could be saving with Geico"? I KNOW that it's supposed to be eyeballs on the money, but I'm sorry, they just look like two rolls of toilet paper to me.
I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?
Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.
I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?
Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.
Coordinator
Ever notice how the word "coordinator" is becoming more and more common in job titles? It's what gets thrown in there when the employer doesn't quite know what the person is going to be doing. "I'm a research coordinator. I uh, don't actually do the research, I uh, just, you know, coordinate it."
In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.
In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.
Raffles
Another cliche is how we always say "I NEVER win anything!" Amazing how we forget what our odds are. Kinda like saying "I never get struck by lightening, or win the lottery, or run into Jerry Seinfeld on the street...."
Political Issues
The thing I don't get is how abortion became such a political issue in our country. I mean I can understand how people see it as a moral and religious one, but trying to push for legislation on someone else's body based on one's own religious values is just futile and unfair, isn't it? And it's not something that impacts everyone such that it needs a law, unlike healthcare, the stock market, or traffic laws. Kinda like: "A woman HAS to go through with the pregnancy even though she doesn't feel ready to put her body through it!" And forget the fact that we have a growing population problem on earth.
Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"
Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"
Emerson
So Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty..."
Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.
Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.
Divorce
I would think that the very possibility of divorce would keep people from getting married. Yet millions of people get married all the time. I mean sure, I can undertstand being in love and therefore wanting to get married, and I can imagine that divorce is hard. But there are some folks who get married and divorced like multiple times.
So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!
So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!
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