The last word

Computers are kinda like health insurance, in our day-to-day lives. We need them, but they also cause a lot of grief and are often not very helpful. Like when an application freezes and I hit control-alt-delete to get to the task manager to try to end the program, THAT is when a message comes up saying "Word is not responding" and gives me the option to end it.

Naw, REALLY?

It's not enough that we have people in our lives who have to have the last word, a useless piece of technology does too!

Hangers

Of course we can't make things simple, oh no. The more complicated the better right, cuz that's how the man makes money? I mean, why can't we just keep the hangers that the clothes come on? Wouldn't that save the step of actually purchasing hangers?

What do I do?

It can be confusing to explain what I do being in a psych grad program. I have work, which is referred to as an "assistantship" with the college, so that I can get a paycheck, health insurance, tuition reimbursement. But the assistantship can be with any dept, even one not related to psych. And not only that, these days people aren't guaranteed the same job the entire time they're in the program, and sometimes people have to look for funding from one semester to the next. One year I was a desk assistant, another I was a research assistant. Another year I was teaching undergrads. I also have an internship where I get clinical experience, unpaid. But my program calls this a "fieldplacement." And before the fieldplacement we have a "practicum" that's at the counseling center on campus. And then we have a final year of pre-doc "internship" which is working full-time as a therapist before actually getting the degree. It's like the equivalent of a medical residency, except it happens before the degree is awarded. And of course we take our own classes, have research (thesis, dissertation)...it really *all* feels like work cuz the classes become less didactic and more research-focused. Like now, I'm done with all my actual classes, so I'll just be taking dissertation credits to keep my full-time student status so I can defer having to pay back loans. So moving forward the focus will be on dissertation, internship applications, and whatever type of assistantship I get.

So needless to say, having so many different hats to wear can make it confusing when explaining what I do to people, even people who I'm close to. It's like:

Person: "Hey, what's up."
Me: "Not much, just got back from work so I'm a bit tired."
Person: "I thought you're a student?"
Me: "I am, it's my assistantship."
Person: "What's that?"
Me: "My job at ASU so I can get tuition and a paycheck."
Person: "Oh. So how much do students get paid for doing therapy?"
Me: "Oh well, I don't do therapy for the assistantship. I'm doing some web management stuff."
Person: "Huh? How's that related to psychology?"
Me: Sigh...

Or here's another scenario:

Me: "I have so much homework for my class!"
Person: "I thought you're interning."
Me: "I am, but I'm also taking a class. The fieldplacement is just 3 credits."
Person: "What's a fieldplacment?"
Me: grumble grumble grumble. "The internship."
Person: "Why do you have to be out in the field for that, don't you see clients on campus?"
Me: ARGH....

Or yet another:

My assistantship supervisor: "So hows' it going, how are you progressing in your progam?
Me: "Well, if all goes well, I can apply for residency next year." (I say residency to her because she's not familiar with psych programs, and I assumed she'd understand it from an MD perspective)
Supervisor: "Oh, I thought you were a resident of the state because we pay your tuition at an in-state rate."
Me: GROOOOAAAAANNNNNN

This is all I'm gonna say from now on: (imagine this)

Me: I'm a crazy, helping other crazies, in a crazy system. (as I give the person the finger)
Person: Why are you flipping me off?
Me: I JUST said I'm crazy!!!!

Recipes

Some parts of recipes just don't make sense, do they? Like a "dash" of pepper. Well, what the hell is just a dash of pepper gonna do to an entire casserole? Or a "pinch" of salt. As salty as Americans like things, I think they mean a LAYER of salt, don't they??

The recipe might as well have "a drop of pee." Will make about the same amount of difference as the pinch of salt!

Biting

So we can put a man on the moon, circle Mars, have phones that take pictures, yet how is it that after so many years of biting experience, we still make a mistake of biting our tongues or the insides of our cheeks? I mean here we've made all this progress and we eat at least 3 meals a day, chew gum all the time, yet after who knows how many years of evolution, we still accidentally bite ourselves? I bit the side of my tongue today and if a therapist knew the thoughts and language going through my head, I could've been committed to a mental institution.

So if you think about it, biting someone else would be something we wouldn't hesitate to do, cuz it wouldn't hurt!

"You're an asshole."
"Bite me."
"Gladly."

Mashed potatoes

Mashed potatoes: now that's an interesting concept. I wonder how the idea came about. Someone was pissed off, so they took it out on the potatoes. "I'm gonna beat you senseless til you're mush! Then eat ya!"

I like mine with ranch dressing.

:)

Microwaves

Now microwaves have been around for a while now, yes? Then why do people still not know how to maintain them so that they don't gross out their coworkers? The microwave at work looked like someone had thrown up all kinds of nasty shit in it. Obviously covering the food while heating it is not a concept that most have caught on to, or cleaning up after yourself for that matter.

The place doesn't need a sign that says "Please clean up after yourself cuz your mama don't work heya" (imagine that one in a southern accent). It needs:

"My cat is more respectful than you because she eats her own vomit."

Breakfast

So if we sometimes have breakfast for dinner, then how come we never have dinner for breakfast?

Clapping

So in this acting class I'm taking, our instructor says that "we always clap for each other" when presenting. I mean I get that it's about showing support for each other because everyone's getting out of their comfort zone some, it can be nerve-racking, yada yada yada. But if we ALWAYS clap, then doesn't it lose its meaning? Shouldn't we clap only if the performance brings out clapping in us? Shouldn't the performer know in some way if they suck?

Don't worry, I've thought this through. You don't think I'd say such a thing without thinking through how I'd react if nobody clapped for me now did you? This is what I'd do:

Sit on the ground, take off my shoes and socks, flash my toe and say "fuck you melonfarmers! You think you coulda done that better??? Come up and prove it! I bet my CAT can act better than you!"

Ahem, k, I'm done.

:)

Sweat pants

Okay, so you know how women shouldn't wear pants that show their camel toes? Well for a similar type of reason is why I think men should not be allowed to wear sweat pants. You don't wanna see my camel toe? Then what the hell makes you think I want to see the little ding dong ringing with every move you make?

Asshole

I'm questioning why the word "asshole" became such an insult. Because I really enjoy the morning dump. And during that time I really appreciate my asshole. Actually, a lot of insults deal with the most basic part of living. So perhaps it's our subconscious telling the person that we, in actuality, really care for them. So here are some suggested responses:

-Asshole!
Gee, thanks!
-Go fuck yourself!
I will, and that'll help me to feel better, thanks for the suggestion!
-Butthead
Aw thanks-I didn't think Iwas smart enough to have 2 heads on my body!

Flowers? No, PENS.

Anyone besides me think that customer service desks putting plastic flowers on top of their pens is STOOOPID??? It's like I'm standing there thinking it's a vase of flowers next to me and I ask for a pen. The woman gets up to take it out of that canister, a pen with a flower on top. WHY?!!! I didn't know they were pens! I thought they were just flowers! If there are just plain pens in there, she wouldn't have had to get up now would she?

And not only that, but I start writing with it and the flower flys off!

I kinda wish the flower hit someone that worked there. Then would they get how stupid it is?

Longevity

Ever notice how we're always trying to prolong our lives? Eat this and it'll help you live longer. Breathe this way and it'll help you live longer. Do yoga and it'll help you live longer. We get too focused on living longer rather than living itself.

But does anyone wonder WHY we'd want to live longer? Thing about it, it just means dealing with more ups and downs of the economy, more dealing with stupid, mean or pansy-assed bosses, more showering, more cleaning, more shopping, more cooking, more flossing... and for what seems like from the beginning of time the only thing on the US news is the economy and Gaza strip. I don't know that I want to continue to see that...

Though, as my professor says, I don't wanna sit on a cloud and play the harp for eternity either.

Not exactly thrilling.

Oratory language

I think it's funny how we can be so wishy washy and tentative in our language. I've been noticing it more and more lately so it's been annoying me a bit more. I try not to do it and end up doing it anyway! And it's worse when people do it during a speech or presentation, a time when you should be firm, clear and confident.

"Okay, so the next thing I'm sorta gonna do is cover chapter 6, and I'd kind of like you to think about some ways in which it could be improved. Then we're going to try to fill in those gaps with your thoughts."

Sorta? Kind of like? Going to try? Wouldn't the person actually cover chapter 6, or just sorta cover it? Only *kind of like* people to think about improvement areas? Only *try* to fill in gaps? Don't they want to say "I'm going to cover chapter 6! Think about ways it can be improved! We will fill in gaps!"

Cuz the thing is, we have no problem telling people straight-up, "Go to hell!" or "Fuck you!"

Well, perhaps when I'm frustrated with someone at work and if I phrase it in a tentative way, I could probably get away with saying it to their face:

"I'd sorta like you to fuck yourself. Then gota hell, k?"

Bathroom keys

If aliens were watching us from outer space, they'd think that there is some special hidden treasure in public bathrooms. I mean at work, and now at school in this building I have a class in, the bathrooms are locked and it is a huge ordeal to just get your hands on the keys just so you can do the most BASIC chore of the day. There's just one key in the office for all the women and when I really gotta go, you can just imagine the curse words in my head when I go to the front desk and see the key missing.

Then at school this week, on the first day of class, the bathroom was on the 2nd floor. And not only did we need a key to get into a bathroom, we needed ANOTHER key to just get into the hallway before we even made it to the bathroom. And of course there's only ONE key. So like kindergarteners the instructor took the girls up first, then the boys. Field trip to the potty...

So not only do you have to have special access, you have to go as a group, so there MUST be something special to see in there...

"Watch your step."

Ever notice how the "Watch your step" signs are always ON the step that you're supposed to be watching?? I noticed that on the train the other day. If I see the step, I see the sign. Isn't the point of the sign to help me see the step?

It then makes just as much sense to have a sign on the floor where your face would land from tripping that says "Told you so."

Sacrifice

Notice how in a few cultures there exists the sacrificing of living beings to the gods? Whether it be virgins or the best horse breed, or whatever. So killing something else is supposed bring auspiciousness to you? Seems like bit too easy of a ticket, doesn't it? Hmm, makes sense that we've turned into a world of violence.

Well now come to think of it, there *are* a few people I wouldn't mind seen taken out. Perhaps a way for me to reach nirvana?

Happy New Year

Ever notice how people say "let this be the best year" when they wish you a happy new year? So it's like, oh, so you want this year to be my best and then all the rest afterward you want to suck, is that it?

Well then here's my toe you muthafukaz!

Okay, so I'm a little drunk...

Exclamation points

Ever notice how we over-use exclamation points in our emails? Like "Have a great day!" or "That works for me!" I mean if we were speaking to the person, we wouldn't yell those things at them now would we? I think I'll try actually yelling those phrases in the office.

Me: "Have a nice day!"
Co-worker: "Why are you yelling?"
Me: "Well that's what my email would say wouldn't it?"
Co-worker: "You're a dork."
Me: "YOU'RE a dork!"

Email,

is like the electronic version of laundry. Just as you clean your inbox out, it just starts piling up again. But at least one advantage is there's not a fowl smell if it piles up for too long. Instead of that, with email you just get pulling your hair out and banging your head against the wall. But you know, you take what you can get.