Mashed potatoes: now that's an interesting concept. I wonder how the idea came about. Someone was pissed off, so they took it out on the potatoes. "I'm gonna beat you senseless til you're mush! Then eat ya!"
I like mine with ranch dressing.
:)
Microwaves
Now microwaves have been around for a while now, yes? Then why do people still not know how to maintain them so that they don't gross out their coworkers? The microwave at work looked like someone had thrown up all kinds of nasty shit in it. Obviously covering the food while heating it is not a concept that most have caught on to, or cleaning up after yourself for that matter.
The place doesn't need a sign that says "Please clean up after yourself cuz your mama don't work heya" (imagine that one in a southern accent). It needs:
"My cat is more respectful than you because she eats her own vomit."
The place doesn't need a sign that says "Please clean up after yourself cuz your mama don't work heya" (imagine that one in a southern accent). It needs:
"My cat is more respectful than you because she eats her own vomit."
Breakfast
So if we sometimes have breakfast for dinner, then how come we never have dinner for breakfast?
Clapping
So in this acting class I'm taking, our instructor says that "we always clap for each other" when presenting. I mean I get that it's about showing support for each other because everyone's getting out of their comfort zone some, it can be nerve-racking, yada yada yada. But if we ALWAYS clap, then doesn't it lose its meaning? Shouldn't we clap only if the performance brings out clapping in us? Shouldn't the performer know in some way if they suck?
Don't worry, I've thought this through. You don't think I'd say such a thing without thinking through how I'd react if nobody clapped for me now did you? This is what I'd do:
Sit on the ground, take off my shoes and socks, flash my toe and say "fuck you melonfarmers! You think you coulda done that better??? Come up and prove it! I bet my CAT can act better than you!"
Ahem, k, I'm done.
:)
Don't worry, I've thought this through. You don't think I'd say such a thing without thinking through how I'd react if nobody clapped for me now did you? This is what I'd do:
Sit on the ground, take off my shoes and socks, flash my toe and say "fuck you melonfarmers! You think you coulda done that better??? Come up and prove it! I bet my CAT can act better than you!"
Ahem, k, I'm done.
:)
Sweat pants
Okay, so you know how women shouldn't wear pants that show their camel toes? Well for a similar type of reason is why I think men should not be allowed to wear sweat pants. You don't wanna see my camel toe? Then what the hell makes you think I want to see the little ding dong ringing with every move you make?
Asshole
I'm questioning why the word "asshole" became such an insult. Because I really enjoy the morning dump. And during that time I really appreciate my asshole. Actually, a lot of insults deal with the most basic part of living. So perhaps it's our subconscious telling the person that we, in actuality, really care for them. So here are some suggested responses:
-Asshole!
Gee, thanks!
-Go fuck yourself!
I will, and that'll help me to feel better, thanks for the suggestion!
-Butthead
Aw thanks-I didn't think Iwas smart enough to have 2 heads on my body!
-Asshole!
Gee, thanks!
-Go fuck yourself!
I will, and that'll help me to feel better, thanks for the suggestion!
-Butthead
Aw thanks-I didn't think Iwas smart enough to have 2 heads on my body!
Flowers? No, PENS.
Anyone besides me think that customer service desks putting plastic flowers on top of their pens is STOOOPID??? It's like I'm standing there thinking it's a vase of flowers next to me and I ask for a pen. The woman gets up to take it out of that canister, a pen with a flower on top. WHY?!!! I didn't know they were pens! I thought they were just flowers! If there are just plain pens in there, she wouldn't have had to get up now would she?
And not only that, but I start writing with it and the flower flys off!
I kinda wish the flower hit someone that worked there. Then would they get how stupid it is?
And not only that, but I start writing with it and the flower flys off!
I kinda wish the flower hit someone that worked there. Then would they get how stupid it is?
Longevity
Ever notice how we're always trying to prolong our lives? Eat this and it'll help you live longer. Breathe this way and it'll help you live longer. Do yoga and it'll help you live longer. We get too focused on living longer rather than living itself.
But does anyone wonder WHY we'd want to live longer? Thing about it, it just means dealing with more ups and downs of the economy, more dealing with stupid, mean or pansy-assed bosses, more showering, more cleaning, more shopping, more cooking, more flossing... and for what seems like from the beginning of time the only thing on the US news is the economy and Gaza strip. I don't know that I want to continue to see that...
Though, as my professor says, I don't wanna sit on a cloud and play the harp for eternity either.
Not exactly thrilling.
But does anyone wonder WHY we'd want to live longer? Thing about it, it just means dealing with more ups and downs of the economy, more dealing with stupid, mean or pansy-assed bosses, more showering, more cleaning, more shopping, more cooking, more flossing... and for what seems like from the beginning of time the only thing on the US news is the economy and Gaza strip. I don't know that I want to continue to see that...
Though, as my professor says, I don't wanna sit on a cloud and play the harp for eternity either.
Not exactly thrilling.
Oratory language
I think it's funny how we can be so wishy washy and tentative in our language. I've been noticing it more and more lately so it's been annoying me a bit more. I try not to do it and end up doing it anyway! And it's worse when people do it during a speech or presentation, a time when you should be firm, clear and confident.
"Okay, so the next thing I'm sorta gonna do is cover chapter 6, and I'd kind of like you to think about some ways in which it could be improved. Then we're going to try to fill in those gaps with your thoughts."
Sorta? Kind of like? Going to try? Wouldn't the person actually cover chapter 6, or just sorta cover it? Only *kind of like* people to think about improvement areas? Only *try* to fill in gaps? Don't they want to say "I'm going to cover chapter 6! Think about ways it can be improved! We will fill in gaps!"
Cuz the thing is, we have no problem telling people straight-up, "Go to hell!" or "Fuck you!"
Well, perhaps when I'm frustrated with someone at work and if I phrase it in a tentative way, I could probably get away with saying it to their face:
"I'd sorta like you to fuck yourself. Then gota hell, k?"
"Okay, so the next thing I'm sorta gonna do is cover chapter 6, and I'd kind of like you to think about some ways in which it could be improved. Then we're going to try to fill in those gaps with your thoughts."
Sorta? Kind of like? Going to try? Wouldn't the person actually cover chapter 6, or just sorta cover it? Only *kind of like* people to think about improvement areas? Only *try* to fill in gaps? Don't they want to say "I'm going to cover chapter 6! Think about ways it can be improved! We will fill in gaps!"
Cuz the thing is, we have no problem telling people straight-up, "Go to hell!" or "Fuck you!"
Well, perhaps when I'm frustrated with someone at work and if I phrase it in a tentative way, I could probably get away with saying it to their face:
"I'd sorta like you to fuck yourself. Then gota hell, k?"
Bathroom keys
If aliens were watching us from outer space, they'd think that there is some special hidden treasure in public bathrooms. I mean at work, and now at school in this building I have a class in, the bathrooms are locked and it is a huge ordeal to just get your hands on the keys just so you can do the most BASIC chore of the day. There's just one key in the office for all the women and when I really gotta go, you can just imagine the curse words in my head when I go to the front desk and see the key missing.
Then at school this week, on the first day of class, the bathroom was on the 2nd floor. And not only did we need a key to get into a bathroom, we needed ANOTHER key to just get into the hallway before we even made it to the bathroom. And of course there's only ONE key. So like kindergarteners the instructor took the girls up first, then the boys. Field trip to the potty...
So not only do you have to have special access, you have to go as a group, so there MUST be something special to see in there...
Then at school this week, on the first day of class, the bathroom was on the 2nd floor. And not only did we need a key to get into a bathroom, we needed ANOTHER key to just get into the hallway before we even made it to the bathroom. And of course there's only ONE key. So like kindergarteners the instructor took the girls up first, then the boys. Field trip to the potty...
So not only do you have to have special access, you have to go as a group, so there MUST be something special to see in there...
"Watch your step."
Ever notice how the "Watch your step" signs are always ON the step that you're supposed to be watching?? I noticed that on the train the other day. If I see the step, I see the sign. Isn't the point of the sign to help me see the step?
It then makes just as much sense to have a sign on the floor where your face would land from tripping that says "Told you so."
It then makes just as much sense to have a sign on the floor where your face would land from tripping that says "Told you so."
Sacrifice
Notice how in a few cultures there exists the sacrificing of living beings to the gods? Whether it be virgins or the best horse breed, or whatever. So killing something else is supposed bring auspiciousness to you? Seems like bit too easy of a ticket, doesn't it? Hmm, makes sense that we've turned into a world of violence.
Well now come to think of it, there *are* a few people I wouldn't mind seen taken out. Perhaps a way for me to reach nirvana?
Well now come to think of it, there *are* a few people I wouldn't mind seen taken out. Perhaps a way for me to reach nirvana?
Happy New Year
Ever notice how people say "let this be the best year" when they wish you a happy new year? So it's like, oh, so you want this year to be my best and then all the rest afterward you want to suck, is that it?
Well then here's my toe you muthafukaz!
Okay, so I'm a little drunk...
Well then here's my toe you muthafukaz!
Okay, so I'm a little drunk...
Exclamation points
Ever notice how we over-use exclamation points in our emails? Like "Have a great day!" or "That works for me!" I mean if we were speaking to the person, we wouldn't yell those things at them now would we? I think I'll try actually yelling those phrases in the office.
Me: "Have a nice day!"
Co-worker: "Why are you yelling?"
Me: "Well that's what my email would say wouldn't it?"
Co-worker: "You're a dork."
Me: "YOU'RE a dork!"
Me: "Have a nice day!"
Co-worker: "Why are you yelling?"
Me: "Well that's what my email would say wouldn't it?"
Co-worker: "You're a dork."
Me: "YOU'RE a dork!"
Email,
is like the electronic version of laundry. Just as you clean your inbox out, it just starts piling up again. But at least one advantage is there's not a fowl smell if it piles up for too long. Instead of that, with email you just get pulling your hair out and banging your head against the wall. But you know, you take what you can get.
Phone calls
I don't know about y'all but leaving phone messages for people is really becoming laborsome. I mean before-hand you have to hear "Please leave a message after the beep. When you are finished with your message, you may hang up, or press # for more options." I mean come oooon! I'm tapping my foot and rolling my eyes thinking that's 5 seconds I'll never get back. I mean does ANYONE not know the *beep system* these days? I think we all know what to do after the beep. So why doesn't it just beep so we can start leaving the message right away? Or at the very least, shorten that stupid message. And gee, thanks for reminding me that I'm *allowed* to hang up when I'm done.
And why do people say, "Hello Felda, it's Karen [or replace with any arbitrary name as you wish] calling." It's Karen calling. It's Karen calling. Do you get my point? Well for Christ's sake I know she's CALLING! What am I going to think, it's Karen knocking on my door? No, she called me on the phone, so I knoooow she's calling! So let's be a little bit more efficient shall we? Picture this:
"Felda, it's Karen."
Simple right? I know who it is and the fact that they left a message says I can call back when I'm able to get the details on why they wanted to talk. Or if they have a detailed message, leave it, but without the word 'calling.' I mean if someone is going to take the time to state the obvious, then at least tell me something I don't know, like
"Felda, it's Karen and I just had a great orgasm. Call back and I'll tell you how I did it."
See, THAT's helpful.
Okay, so that research paper is not happenin' tonight. :)
And why do people say, "Hello Felda, it's Karen [or replace with any arbitrary name as you wish] calling." It's Karen calling. It's Karen calling. Do you get my point? Well for Christ's sake I know she's CALLING! What am I going to think, it's Karen knocking on my door? No, she called me on the phone, so I knoooow she's calling! So let's be a little bit more efficient shall we? Picture this:
"Felda, it's Karen."
Simple right? I know who it is and the fact that they left a message says I can call back when I'm able to get the details on why they wanted to talk. Or if they have a detailed message, leave it, but without the word 'calling.' I mean if someone is going to take the time to state the obvious, then at least tell me something I don't know, like
"Felda, it's Karen and I just had a great orgasm. Call back and I'll tell you how I did it."
See, THAT's helpful.
Okay, so that research paper is not happenin' tonight. :)
Sandwiches 2
I should be writing a research paper but thought I'd share this instead:
I really really like sandwiches. And not only do I like to eat them, but I also like the word sandwiches. Say it with me: sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. The 'd' kinda gets silent doesn't it? And something about that pronunciation really makes them seem even more wholesome and scrumptous than they already are.
And AMAZING how satisfying and fun they are, when they're really just 2 slices of bread with stuff in the middle! I love opening up my lunchbox and seeing the sandwich nestled there with the bag of chips and diet cherry pepsi.
Ah, being 8 in a 32 year-old body-it's great!
I really really like sandwiches. And not only do I like to eat them, but I also like the word sandwiches. Say it with me: sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches. The 'd' kinda gets silent doesn't it? And something about that pronunciation really makes them seem even more wholesome and scrumptous than they already are.
And AMAZING how satisfying and fun they are, when they're really just 2 slices of bread with stuff in the middle! I love opening up my lunchbox and seeing the sandwich nestled there with the bag of chips and diet cherry pepsi.
Ah, being 8 in a 32 year-old body-it's great!
Elmo
Ever notice that Elmo *always* talks in the third person? Yes, Elmo is happy you're staying for dinner. Ooooo, Elmo looooves chocolate. So unlike Jimmy the jumper or George Costanza, he speaks that way when he's *not* upset. So what does he say when he's upset?
Perhaps "Oooo, you're a son of a mother fucker!!!"
Perhaps "Oooo, you're a son of a mother fucker!!!"
Hair
Ever wonder why graying hair is one of the first signs of aging? I mean I don't get it. It's not like the hair has to work hard. It just sits there looking cute! I mean do the hair follicles run around the way our legs do? Do they beat to circulate blood through our bodies like the heart does? So WHAT is the excuse for going gray in your 20's?? I mean and in your TWENTIES for crying out loud!
If we aged such that it is more noticeable superficially at the *end* of our lives, we can at least feel good about the way we look for a longer period of time. Then maybe the elderly would get more action in the nursing homes. Hey, you're at more of a risk for a heart attack but at least you can pick up the cute man at the next table over in the dining room.
Hey baby, wanna split a jello with me? Wink wink.
If we aged such that it is more noticeable superficially at the *end* of our lives, we can at least feel good about the way we look for a longer period of time. Then maybe the elderly would get more action in the nursing homes. Hey, you're at more of a risk for a heart attack but at least you can pick up the cute man at the next table over in the dining room.
Hey baby, wanna split a jello with me? Wink wink.
Political debates
Don't political debates (well parts of them anyway) feel like two child siblings fighting? I mean it's not like they truly debate using any real skill; not Lincoln-Douglas nor policy debating like we learn in high school. Instead there's just a lot of "he said, she said" and cross-blaming. And both want to cut taxes in one way or another when paradoxically, they both have to go back to the government (aka "Dad") for funding for their own interests. And this is funding that comes from taxpayers! So it's like:
Sibling 1: You took all the Snickers bars out of the jar!
Sibling 2: I did not!
Sibling 1: You did too!
Sibling 2: Well you took all the Jolly Ranchers and gave them to your friends, and there were none left for me!
Sibling 1: No I didn't! And even if I did, it's cuz last month you took all my M&M's to school for Valentine's Day!
Meanwhile the candy jar is just slowly emptying with no real account of where the candy went, followed by:
Sibling 1 and 2: "Dad!!! Can we have a higher allowance for more candy???"
Sibling 1: You took all the Snickers bars out of the jar!
Sibling 2: I did not!
Sibling 1: You did too!
Sibling 2: Well you took all the Jolly Ranchers and gave them to your friends, and there were none left for me!
Sibling 1: No I didn't! And even if I did, it's cuz last month you took all my M&M's to school for Valentine's Day!
Meanwhile the candy jar is just slowly emptying with no real account of where the candy went, followed by:
Sibling 1 and 2: "Dad!!! Can we have a higher allowance for more candy???"
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