So now, you know that we have hit the bottom of the barrel with interesting changes to pizza when all Pizza Hut can come up with is the pizza with the no edge crust. Well it kinda makes sense, I mean we probably have all the innovations to pizza that are possible.
Look at toppings for example. There's all kinds of meat, veggies, pineapple, anchovies (ick)....
Look at the crust: you have thin, thick, hand-tossed, stuffed crust, gluten-free...
Look at cheese: soy, low-fat, whole-milk...
Look at sauce: marinara, pesto, white...
We've even cut it into squares as well as triangles!
I mean, so what else CAN they do with pizza? So we're left with the stupid no-crust pizza. And why do that at all? No special innovations to toilet paper can be made so we left that alone, right? So now, these restaurants need to leave pizza alone.
A pizza without crust is as good as pizza cut into squares: it's not easy to hold. So leave it ALONE.
Irony
Okay, so I'm just gonna say this one time (ah, who am I kiddin, I'll be bitchin about it for as long as I live): how can we put a man on the moon and yet so many people don't know what the definition of "irony" is??? K, I'm gonna throw out some other words that people actually mean when they say "ironic:"
Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*
Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?
Coincidental, paradoxical, hypocritical, contradictory, fittingly, or simply *unexpected.*
Pick one, k? Pleeeeeeaaaaase pick ANY other one other than ironic cuz you probably don't mean ironic. I don't care if the other one you pick is also wrong, I'm just tired of hearing "ironic." Writers should not even write good irony anymore if people can't recognize it. And we can watch What the Bleep do We Know? and discuss quantum physics, but don't get common vocabulary?
Capitalism
Now you gotta admire the audacity of capitalism, don't ya? Even in this economic crisis, you've got those morons outside the grocery trying to sell you portraits. Um yeah, of all the things I could purchase, the one thing I REALLY need is a picture of my non-photogenic self. And the stupid way they make you pose too: K, now point your knees to the left, face the right, tilt your head to the left, and look to your right. Now smile and say cheese! What the fuck is all that???
Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"
Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"
(Imagine that with the voice.)
Or you've got those plastics at the mall tryin' to sell ya a $15, 8 oz, bottle of lotion. "Hello! Can I help ya with anything?" And as soon as they see your gaze in the direction of a particular product: "Oh, you can buy 2 of those and get the 3rd free!"
Wonder if these idiots buy their own products. I wanna say, "Why don't YOU buy 2 and get the 3rd for free????"
(Imagine that with the voice.)
Numbers
Ever notice how in movies, when the characters give someone their numbers, the beginning of the phone numbers always start with 555? I mean can the writers come up with ANY other number combinations? I can come up with a few off the top of my head right now: 785, 937, 864, 232. See?
I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.
Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.
See?
I did that fast cuz I used my number pad on my keyboard.
Here are some more: 852, 742, 242, 987.
See?
Eyeballs
Okay, so you know those ads about "the money you could be saving with Geico"? I KNOW that it's supposed to be eyeballs on the money, but I'm sorry, they just look like two rolls of toilet paper to me.
I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?
Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.
I mean come on, if you're going to personify *money* anyway, then why not just go all out and put more eyeball-looking eyeballs on the darn thing! You know, with eye lids and eye lashes and all that. Otherwise what am I supposed to think it is if I don't hear the commercials?
Uh, this is the money that would be like toilet paper to you since you'll be saving so much of it if you switch to Geiko.
Coordinator
Ever notice how the word "coordinator" is becoming more and more common in job titles? It's what gets thrown in there when the employer doesn't quite know what the person is going to be doing. "I'm a research coordinator. I uh, don't actually do the research, I uh, just, you know, coordinate it."
In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.
In other words, they coordinate their hands with the mouse in putting the emails from their inbox into their deleted folder.
Raffles
Another cliche is how we always say "I NEVER win anything!" Amazing how we forget what our odds are. Kinda like saying "I never get struck by lightening, or win the lottery, or run into Jerry Seinfeld on the street...."
Political Issues
The thing I don't get is how abortion became such a political issue in our country. I mean I can understand how people see it as a moral and religious one, but trying to push for legislation on someone else's body based on one's own religious values is just futile and unfair, isn't it? And it's not something that impacts everyone such that it needs a law, unlike healthcare, the stock market, or traffic laws. Kinda like: "A woman HAS to go through with the pregnancy even though she doesn't feel ready to put her body through it!" And forget the fact that we have a growing population problem on earth.
Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"
Well, I think it's important to eat oatmeal. It's good for your skin and helps lower cholesterol. So I think I'll try to introduce a bill in which everyone has to eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. Think about it, it could reduce healthcare costs if everyone is healthier due to the oatmeal. "You MUST eat oatmeal for breakfast every day! I don't care that you don't like it and would rather have a muffin!"
Emerson
So Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty..."
Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.
Yeah well Ralph obviously never came to the desert. Here, each moment has sneezing, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sweat trickling down your neck, sweat trickling down your boobs, sweat trickling down your butt crack...and ALL of that happens at each moment.
Divorce
I would think that the very possibility of divorce would keep people from getting married. Yet millions of people get married all the time. I mean sure, I can undertstand being in love and therefore wanting to get married, and I can imagine that divorce is hard. But there are some folks who get married and divorced like multiple times.
So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!
So why don't those folks just date all the time? Because if you're going to get divorced that many times, then in reality it's just dating relationships all the time that are breaking up, except they're more complicated: you now have to deal with the government being a part of the break-up!
Shampoo and conditioner
They now fall in the category of hot dugs and hot dog buns. I mean, how do I run out of conditioner well before the shampoo??? I still have about 3 washes of shampoo left in the current bottle, and have already made a very noticable dent in the new conditioner bottle. Just can't keep up with the conditioner!
Love letters
I'm not talking about actual love letters per se. I'm talking about the fake compliments that we get in our society. "We had a very talented pool to choose from and our decision was hard. We wish you luck in your endeavors....." blah blah blah blah blah blah...
For once I'd like to see a casting director or potential employer have the balls to simply state the results without the foo foo language:
"Sorry, you didn't get the job." End of fucking storry....or even
"Your audition sucked balls and you're just not good enough for the show." At least I can get a laugh out of a rejection letter like that....
For once I'd like to see a casting director or potential employer have the balls to simply state the results without the foo foo language:
"Sorry, you didn't get the job." End of fucking storry....or even
"Your audition sucked balls and you're just not good enough for the show." At least I can get a laugh out of a rejection letter like that....
Split ends
You know how they say "stop and smell the roses sometimes"? Well I'd actually like to stop and pick at my split ends. I was at a red light earlier today and happened to find a good split end in my hair and just as I was about to take care of it, the light turned green. I mean, I get that we are in a go-go world and it's actually a good thing if traffic keeps moving but you know, sometimes that extra few seconds to take care of a split end wouldn't be such a bad thing!
A little hair
So there's this little hair on my head. It's on my right temple and by lucky chance I might find it as I'm running my fingers through my hair. And why do I consider it to be a lucky chance? Because it has a very rough texture to it and so it's kinda fun to feel it. It's the most fun hair strand on my head. Of course getting a hold of it can be a challenge cuz of all the other hairs around it, so when I do get a secure hold of it, it's like "victory!" Then it feels good to feel it and when I'm ready, I break it. That's the one fun of feeling a rough hair strand, is the feeling of breaking it.
Now I have to wait another couple months before that piece of hair is back.
I will wait for you little hair!
Now I have to wait another couple months before that piece of hair is back.
I will wait for you little hair!
Margins
So what's the deal with the default right and left margins in MS Word being 1.25????? WHO would set their margins to that? Perhaps undergrads who want to make it look like they wrote a longer paper. It'd be interesting to see how much time we lose fixing such stupid things all the time. I mean, I don't go to the store and buy 1.25 pounds of tomatoes do I?
The last word
Computers are kinda like health insurance, in our day-to-day lives. We need them, but they also cause a lot of grief and are often not very helpful. Like when an application freezes and I hit control-alt-delete to get to the task manager to try to end the program, THAT is when a message comes up saying "Word is not responding" and gives me the option to end it.
Naw, REALLY?
It's not enough that we have people in our lives who have to have the last word, a useless piece of technology does too!
Naw, REALLY?
It's not enough that we have people in our lives who have to have the last word, a useless piece of technology does too!
Hangers
Of course we can't make things simple, oh no. The more complicated the better right, cuz that's how the man makes money? I mean, why can't we just keep the hangers that the clothes come on? Wouldn't that save the step of actually purchasing hangers?
What do I do?
It can be confusing to explain what I do being in a psych grad program. I have work, which is referred to as an "assistantship" with the college, so that I can get a paycheck, health insurance, tuition reimbursement. But the assistantship can be with any dept, even one not related to psych. And not only that, these days people aren't guaranteed the same job the entire time they're in the program, and sometimes people have to look for funding from one semester to the next. One year I was a desk assistant, another I was a research assistant. Another year I was teaching undergrads. I also have an internship where I get clinical experience, unpaid. But my program calls this a "fieldplacement." And before the fieldplacement we have a "practicum" that's at the counseling center on campus. And then we have a final year of pre-doc "internship" which is working full-time as a therapist before actually getting the degree. It's like the equivalent of a medical residency, except it happens before the degree is awarded. And of course we take our own classes, have research (thesis, dissertation)...it really *all* feels like work cuz the classes become less didactic and more research-focused. Like now, I'm done with all my actual classes, so I'll just be taking dissertation credits to keep my full-time student status so I can defer having to pay back loans. So moving forward the focus will be on dissertation, internship applications, and whatever type of assistantship I get.
So needless to say, having so many different hats to wear can make it confusing when explaining what I do to people, even people who I'm close to. It's like:
Person: "Hey, what's up."
Me: "Not much, just got back from work so I'm a bit tired."
Person: "I thought you're a student?"
Me: "I am, it's my assistantship."
Person: "What's that?"
Me: "My job at ASU so I can get tuition and a paycheck."
Person: "Oh. So how much do students get paid for doing therapy?"
Me: "Oh well, I don't do therapy for the assistantship. I'm doing some web management stuff."
Person: "Huh? How's that related to psychology?"
Me: Sigh...
Or here's another scenario:
Me: "I have so much homework for my class!"
Person: "I thought you're interning."
Me: "I am, but I'm also taking a class. The fieldplacement is just 3 credits."
Person: "What's a fieldplacment?"
Me: grumble grumble grumble. "The internship."
Person: "Why do you have to be out in the field for that, don't you see clients on campus?"
Me: ARGH....
Or yet another:
My assistantship supervisor: "So hows' it going, how are you progressing in your progam?
Me: "Well, if all goes well, I can apply for residency next year." (I say residency to her because she's not familiar with psych programs, and I assumed she'd understand it from an MD perspective)
Supervisor: "Oh, I thought you were a resident of the state because we pay your tuition at an in-state rate."
Me: GROOOOAAAAANNNNNN
This is all I'm gonna say from now on: (imagine this)
Me: I'm a crazy, helping other crazies, in a crazy system. (as I give the person the finger)
Person: Why are you flipping me off?
Me: I JUST said I'm crazy!!!!
So needless to say, having so many different hats to wear can make it confusing when explaining what I do to people, even people who I'm close to. It's like:
Person: "Hey, what's up."
Me: "Not much, just got back from work so I'm a bit tired."
Person: "I thought you're a student?"
Me: "I am, it's my assistantship."
Person: "What's that?"
Me: "My job at ASU so I can get tuition and a paycheck."
Person: "Oh. So how much do students get paid for doing therapy?"
Me: "Oh well, I don't do therapy for the assistantship. I'm doing some web management stuff."
Person: "Huh? How's that related to psychology?"
Me: Sigh...
Or here's another scenario:
Me: "I have so much homework for my class!"
Person: "I thought you're interning."
Me: "I am, but I'm also taking a class. The fieldplacement is just 3 credits."
Person: "What's a fieldplacment?"
Me: grumble grumble grumble. "The internship."
Person: "Why do you have to be out in the field for that, don't you see clients on campus?"
Me: ARGH....
Or yet another:
My assistantship supervisor: "So hows' it going, how are you progressing in your progam?
Me: "Well, if all goes well, I can apply for residency next year." (I say residency to her because she's not familiar with psych programs, and I assumed she'd understand it from an MD perspective)
Supervisor: "Oh, I thought you were a resident of the state because we pay your tuition at an in-state rate."
Me: GROOOOAAAAANNNNNN
This is all I'm gonna say from now on: (imagine this)
Me: I'm a crazy, helping other crazies, in a crazy system. (as I give the person the finger)
Person: Why are you flipping me off?
Me: I JUST said I'm crazy!!!!
Recipes
Some parts of recipes just don't make sense, do they? Like a "dash" of pepper. Well, what the hell is just a dash of pepper gonna do to an entire casserole? Or a "pinch" of salt. As salty as Americans like things, I think they mean a LAYER of salt, don't they??
The recipe might as well have "a drop of pee." Will make about the same amount of difference as the pinch of salt!
The recipe might as well have "a drop of pee." Will make about the same amount of difference as the pinch of salt!
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