Saturday, October 22, 2005

The new toilet

Yes folks, I'm obsessed with toilets. But hey, it's a necessary piece of equipment for us and unless I am able to comfortably take care of this basic bodily function, how can I accomplish anything else in the day? Anyway, the new motion-sensored toilet is probably the dumbest thing I've seen so far. I mean, we are capable of reaching back and pulling the lever. Furthermore, not only are the new toilets unnecessary, they are actually counter-productive, and more water gets wasted. I set the paper toilet seat cover on the seat and the damn toilet thinks it's time to flush, so I lose the paper cover before I can pull down my pants and sit on the seat! One of the most annoying things next to people who ask stupid questions, I'll tell you that. Next time I have to remember to get half-naked first, then put the paper cover on so I can sit down in time. I mean what the hell do they think we're gonna do? Like we have time to just stay in the stall and flush the toilet for fun. I mean, yeah, next time I'm basking in some free time, I'll lock myself in a stall and just flush away for the heck of it. BRING BACK THE OLD TOILETS!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A tip...

for everyone. You know the custom of knocking to see if someone's in the bathroom before you go in? It's still in, so feel free to use it.

The lie

You know how in school teachers will say there's no such thing as a stupid question? Well folks, not true. There is a such thing as a stupid question. Just like there is a such thing as a stupid movie (romantic comedies) stupid chain emails ("Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Pass this on to those you love and you will receive good luck tomorrow and blah blah blah") and stupid bumper stickers ("My child is an honor student"). Seriously, I want to get a bumper sticker that says "Nobody gives a #@!! that your child is an honor student."

Monday, October 17, 2005

The lid

One of my biggest pet peeves is seeing the lid of my toilet seat left up by others when I go into the bathroom. If you don't use the lid for the purpose for which it's intended (to put it down, why else does it exist otherwise?) then you do not have the right to complain that you keep dropping things in the toilet! Otherwise, why don't we just leave the door to the dishwasher open, the bag of catfood open so that we stink up the place, and leave the front door open so we can say "Hey come on in and check out my open toilet!" After all, it is attractive that way.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Smiling

If you're smiling all the time, then you are oblivious to the sad, pathetic state of our world.

Running

I like to go running but have started doing it less because I'm worried about the wear and tear on my knees. But what makes even more sense is River Selkie's comment: what is the point of running unless you are running for something, like to catch a ball, or running for your life? And I'd like to add, or running to throw yourself in front of a bus after dealing with a bunch of idiots all day. Now that is purposeful.

Six

Why do people say "half a dozen"? How is that easier than saying "six"? Think about it: four syllables instead of one.

And why do people say "a baker's dozen"? It's easier to say "thirteen." Again, two syllables instead of five.

Uh, duh.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Ting ting

I love the wedding tradition of tinging of spoons against glasses as a way to prompt the bride and groom to kiss. Apparently people don't get enough of couples getting it on in public every day, so they want to see the main couple at the wedding kiss every frickin' ten minutes. I was at a wedding today and they had little bells at the tables for us to ring instead. I joined in the first couple times so as to not be rude but decided to go against it later on. I mean come on, it requires me to put down my fork while I'm eating the dinner (the real reason I'm there anyway), pick up the bell, ring it until the bride and groom kiss, and then I have to hear everyone in the hall clap or go "woo hoo!!" Folks, it's not that great a feat, they're getting married, they've already kissed and done a whole hell of a lot more I'm sure.