Monday, August 31, 2009

The blue dot.

It is amazing how Murphy's law works even with the relatively insignificant parts of our lives. It rains the day after you wash your car. You get caught in a traffic jam due to a crash when you were already running late. And of course you spill something that stains your favorite piece of clothing while wearing it for the first time after you JUST washed it.

The last one happened to me today at work. I wore one of my favorite pants for the first time after they were washed, and got ink on them. Frickin fraggit! So I spent some time putting soap and water on the stain and scrubbing in-between work tasks. Thankfully I got most of it out. But there's this little blue dot now. Yes, blue dot.

Elaine had the red dot on her sweater. I've got the blue dot on my pants.

Of course I won't tell those of you who know me so that you're not searching for it next time I wear pants! Particularly, stares in the crotch or buttocks area shall win one much wrath from the Empress herself (unless you're Jerry Seinfeld or Jason Mraz ;) ).

Monday, August 24, 2009

The date.

Oh boy oh boy. My mother just may have been right (don't tell her I said that), that being a Seinfeld addict has turned my life into a Seinfeld episode. Well, at least tonight's date involved snippets of various episodes. At times I was George, other times Jerry, and sometimes I was thinking things that George would be saying to himself on the show. Only if you are as much of a Seinfeld nutcase as me would you recognize what episodes these moments are in, and I'm not about to recount those details from the show if you are not. Sorry (not).

So I met a guy for a date at a coffee shop (that is SO the cliche place for first dates!). I get there before him and I have to poo (I usually have to poo at the beginning of dates, when I'm nervous). I go to the bathroom and see that it's locked and you have to show your receipt to get the key to be able to use it. But I hadn't bought anything yet and thought it would be rude to do so before he showed up. So I just sit there. It wasn't a strong urge to poo, but just felt that if I went then, I'd be more comfortable during the date. And if it were a strong urge, I would've just asked in a frantic hurry. Then I thought to myself that she would believe me if I told her I would be buying something, but I just need to use the bathroom right away. But as I thought that, he showed up. We then got to talking and I forgot about pooing.

It went away. Seriously-the poo. It went away.

Then there was the awkward thought: "Should I pay for my own drink, or would that insult him because he asked me out and so he was planning to pay?" Usually unless it's somehow clear with "I'd like to take you out for coffee" or whatever, I assume that I should pay for myself. But idiot me decides to go through my regular meticulous decision-making process on what to order, and so I worried that he'd think it was some passive-aggressive way of forcing him to pay. But I'm SERIOUS it was not! My plan was to go up to the counter first and just pay for my drink and then let him do his thing. But he made his decision on what he wanted much faster than me and ordered first, then waited for me to order and paid it as one order. And like a moron I take out my wallet. If he had handed her a credit card I probably would've given her cash for my portion, but his cash covered it and I think it would be awkward and insulting to give him cash for my drink. So then I worry, "Did he think I was just going through the motions to make it look like I had intention to pay when I really didn't?" NO! Of course I could've said "I can pay for my drink" in a nonchalant way but didn't want to do that either cuz I didn't want the fact that we were on an awkward first date to be even more obvious to her.

The moron then just put her wallet back in her purse.

I came to terms with it cuz it was just coffee and therefore not a big deal. Though at one point I thought that what I ordered did cost more than his drink. You know with my fru fru drinks and all, when all he gets is black coffee. But it's like an extra buck so yes, I did get over it and not stress during the rest of the date.

But then there were the typical awkward moments of just looking at each other at times feeling all shy and nervous and not knowing what to say. So during those moments I find myself saying things that are not very normal responses. Like he says, "You look cute." "Thanks, so what time do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Then he started saying something that I didn't really hear because I suddenly realized and thought, "Shit! I didn't order decaf. Now I'm gonna be up tonight and I have a 7:30 class in the morning! That's just fucking fantastic." Wonder what he thought I was thinking when he saw my face at that point.

When I got home I pooed.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Acting

So I was talking with a woman on the train the other day and she was saying how much she likes Jennifer Aniston. So I asked her if she's seen the movie "Derailed." "Yeah, but I didn't like her character. I like her better as the cute girl on 'Friends'."

Um, okay. Does she realize she's an ACTOR and her job is to portray her character in the movie as authentically as possible? Otherwise how is it acting if they play the same type of person all the time? Doesn't it speak more to an actor's talent and ability if they can play a variety of roles? A nice person, asshole, villain? Newsflash folks: assholes do exist. Life isn't all bunnies and rainbows.

That's what I don't get, when people will say they "didn't like how much of a jerk she or he was being in that." But that's their job! If they did a good job portraying an asshole, they did it well! You realize that's not how they probably are in real life right? They're ACTORS. It's often the writer's or director's goal to portray a particular story, or message about life, a caricature about the human condition, or simply bring an idea to the screen.

I mean, if you want to watch something ordinary and predictable where people are pretending to like each other all the time, don't you already have YOUR LIFE for that?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Rings

So someone the other day asked me if the ring I was wearing was my engagement ring. Um, no, I said, thoroughly confused since it was not a single diamond ring nor was it on my left hand. But the person proceeded to tell me that engagement rings are worn on the right hand and after the wedding ceremony, they are moved to the left hand. I cannot tell you HOW annoyed and confused I felt by this, cuz up until this point I thought that "engagement rings" were single diamonds and are worn on the left hand. Plus back in college, I had worn an Indian ring on my right hand, and someone had told me that I shouldn't wear it cuz it is a wedding band (granted it did look like what Westerners would wear as a wedding band). But I thought that if it was on my right hand, then people wouldn't think it was a wedding band, that it's just a ring and I'm not married.

Doesn't matter what I do, people get the wrong impression!!!! Now a person cannot deck her body with whatever fucking ornament she wants without it meaning anything??? Can't it just be jewelry? Rings don't mean anything anymore anyway given that many devoted spouses don't wear rings, and some that flaunt huge rocks or bands are having affairs. So why the hell does it matter what I wear? Especially to someone who knows I'm not in a relationship?

I think I'll respond with, "You obviously have no life if you're noticing something like this." Or better yet, "No, doesn't mean I'm married. Matter of fact, means I'm a radically liberal femininazi who believes in killing babies for the fun of it." Now that'll change the meaning of some fashion choices, won't it?

Monday, August 10, 2009

The misc. grocery run.

You know what that is. That one trip in the week where you have to buy a bunch of random things cuz you forgot them during your regular weekly trip to the grocery store. I hate not getting everything in that one trip and having to go back!

Though the list for the trip back is pretty funny, with totally random stuff.

-Carrots
-Fabric softener
-Raid spray
-Shredded cheese

I have a Fry's VIP card so I usually go there for most stuff. Once I had a misc grocery run with no food items, and the cashier said to me, "You don't have any food here!"

Ooooh, so I guess it's not approoooopriate to go to the grocery store unless you're buying a FOOD item! I wanted to say to her, "Like YOU'VE never done that? Can you just check me out and let me be on my way so that I can talk to my friends about you? Thanks."

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The convertible

Is it just me, or does anyone else look at a convertible car and feel like the word "convertible" is an over-statement for it? I mean, yes, it converts from having a top to no top, but when I think of the word *convert* I feel like it should turn into something totally different than a car. Like a private jet. Or a little personal movie theatre. Or a space shuttle.

I'd like to meet an alien in outer space. Somehow they sometimes seem like they'd be more interesting than humans...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

It's all good.

Have you ever noticed that people say "it's all good" when it's not all good? I mean yes, it IS for all intents and purposes good, but it's not like the situation is truly ALL GOOD. Like when someone says to me, "Sorry I was late Felda" and I say "It's all good," but why? Cuz it's not the end of the world that the person was late? Cuz I'm still alive? But doesn't it make sense to say it in a situation where it's truly *all good* like a fun dinner party or at the beach? Next time I'm at the beach with beautiful sunshine, blue skies and seas, and cute surfers, then I'll say "Ah yeeeeah, it's All GOOD."

See what I mean?

Good. :)