Have you noticed that the phrase "let's give 'em a hand" has two different, almost opposite, meanings? It can mean to cheer for or congratulate someone, or, to help someone. So in the first instance it means "you're great, you did it" and the latter means "you need help." Could be translated to "you're successful" and "you're pathetic" or "can't do it alone." So it'd be really funny if at a recital the emcee says "let's give him a hand" and nobody claps but rather, someone goes up and holds his hand to help him get off the stage.

And then there's "the upper hand" and "on the other hand." How in the world did this one body part get so much attention and meaning? I don't even bother with trying to get any hand, upper, lower, or middle. Especially with dating. With that it's either he's worth my time, or not worth any hand at all. What I really need is like 6 more hands, taking multi-tasking to it's max, and worsening my ADHD.

Grocery store

So I went to the grocery store on the way home from work to buy a bottle of ranch dressing, because I wanted to put ranch dressing on my mashed potatoes at dinner. So while waiting forever in line behind people who realize (after all their food's on the counter, mind you) that they don't have enough money for it, I notice the sign "Under 30, we card." Okay, so, they can tell if someone's under 30? Don't they have to card anyway to know if the person's under 30? So what do they do, ask for the id, see that the person's under 30, give the card back, and THEN card them?

So then I finally get to check out and I sign the slip for my credit card in a hurry because I'm irritated and just want to get out of there and go home. Well, so my signature didn't match the one on my credit card and the guy looks at me suspiciously.

Yeah, THAT'S why I'm going to steal a credit card, to buy a $2 bottle of ranch dressing.

I have bigger plans for the stolen card.


is the answer when someone doesn't have a good comeback:

You're a dork.
Takes one to know one!

Think about it, that's when the verbal battle ends. It's the indication that the conversation's over. So we can also have this conversation:

Will you marry me?

Done, end of story.


Why do people say "you're more than welcome to join us"? more than welcome. Come on, that's overdoing it, isn't it? Let's be a little discriminatory and conserving with our words. Is it necessary to be overly nice to the point of being saccharine? Isn't saying "you're welcome to join us" enough? And second, what does "more than welcome" mean? "You'd better come or I'll wait for you inside your house with a sack full of pennies" ?