Excuses

Have you ever noticed that the same excuses get used by different people all the time? I mean it gets old to the point where they can be considered cliches. Because I mean, people say them as if it makes them special, like nobody else goes through those experiences or feelings. I mean in our society we've had for a while now 1) a high divorce rate, 2) traffic, 3) and the need to work to make a living (well, most people anyway). Yet you always hear:

"My parents got divorced so I haven't had a good role model for relationships."
Yeah? Well you and every other jerk who uses that excuse for being chicken shit or an asshole when it comes to dating.

"Dating is so hard for me."
Yeah, and it's a breeze for the rest of us-we're just living in a romantic comedy over here.

"I don't do well with rejection."
Really, cuz it's my favorite part of asking guys out!

"I'm not a morning person."
Well I'd like to lounge around in bed all morning too but I'm an ADULT and I have to be somewhere in the mornings to make a living. Try going to bed EARLIER.

"I'm a visual learner."
Yeah, cuz it's easier to just get the information from watching it on television or looking at a graph for a minute, rather than spending the 30 minutes reading the research article.

"Sorry I didn't get that to you, I've been busy."
Yeah, and I'm just basking in free time over here. But I use a PLANNER so that I can follow-through.

"I wish I could be creative and get paid for it."
Yeah, you and everyone else with a pulse.

"I try to be a spontaneous person-life happens when you're making plans."
Well maybe that's why you don't accomplish much.

"Sorry I'm late, the traffic was crazy!"
Well, the secret is, the technology to be able to beam ourselves places has been available for like 30 years now, but only for a special few-that's how I got here on time. Guess you could wait for that, or ALLOW for driving time in your schedule.

Boy, Yalom couldn't be more right with his term "delusion of specialness."

Roommates

It is amazing how much living with someone can lead you to dislike the person. In fact, I'm amazed at how quickly I have gone from liking roommates to hating them. Nothing like trying to share living space to help that to happen, no sirree bob. It's with roommates that I realize how uncommon common sense actually is:

-You want to let the dish soak if you're not going to wash it right away. Amazing how that makes for quicker cleaning now doesn't it? Unless you want to eat from a plate with food stuck on it.
-See, you want to dump the dishes on the side of the sink where the garbage disposal is, to make it easier to get rid of the food. But I guess some people like picking pieces of food out from the sink.
-You want to wet the towel BEFORE wiping the counter, unless you WANT to wipe the counter with the very food you are trying to clean up.
-Larger dishes go on the bottom part of the dishwasher and cups go on the TOP.
-Do you have to take up two rows in the dishwasher for ONE bowl?
-Generally it's best, in terms of saving energy and soap, to wait to start the dishwasher until it's FULL.
-See, there is a mug tree where you can put the mugs when you're unloading the dishwasher. Saves some cupboard space so that you don't have to sift threw glasses to get to a mug.
-Is chewing with one's mouth closed too difficult for people? Do they not HEAR their lips smacking together??? Do they LIKE the sound?

I'm surprised it takes most couples as long as it does before they finally file for divorce.

Spoon rest

So the spoon rest, or whatever it's called, can be added to the list of crap that we buy that we really don't need. It's the thing people keep on their stove tops on which to place the utensil with which they're cooking.

Why?

So you don't get a little bit of food on the stove top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

So you don't get a little bit of food on the pan lid? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

So you don't get a little bit of food on the counter top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

No matter what, there's going to be something to clean. It makes more sense to put the cooking utensil on a paper towel that you can just throw away, doesn't it?

Travel

So it's 2007. That means it's after the 1940's. Meaning technology is supposed to be more advanced. Meaning things should be faster, better and prettier, am I right? Otherwise, what the hell are we doing here on earth and what the hell are we paying for? Instead, things are slower, worse and not as pretty, at least when it comes to air travel.

For what is supposed to be just a 2 hour flight, it took me 9 hours to get from my airport to my destination because they decide there is a problem with the plane AFTER all passengers have boarded, mind you. We backed away from the gate twice and still could not leave because they kept finding problems. So we de-planed and got on a different plane.

NINE hours. NOT faster.

These days you don't get the meals you request ahead of time. And I was on an old plane where we did not have our own tv screens, and the headphones didn't work.

NOT better.

And of course while we're sitting on the runway as they're trying to figure out what's wrong with the plane, the AC is not on. So I'm hot and sweaty.

Definitely NOT prettier.

Children at Heart

There is nothing like air travel to turn [seemingly functional] adults into children.

You have to eat what they give you (requesting a vegan meal gives you looks like you have 2 heads), you get woken up from a great nap to eat the crap they give you, they decide what you watch on tv, you eat like you're on a high chair (with a seat belt and little room to move), and you can't understand one freakin' thing over the intercom that they try to tell you.

Then you somehow, miraculously, make it to baggage claim. Here's where we really act like children. Everyone has to be right NEXT to the carousel and nobody can seem to realize that if everyone just stepped back a couple feet, everyone could see their bags coming. I mean, you don't have to be right by the carousel unless you're going to actually get your bag!

It's amazing the behavior we resort to just to get someplace.


Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Reality TV

Why, why do people get into reality tv? I mean, isn't the concept a bit of an oxymoron? Why do you want to see something real on tv when you have your life? Your life's not real enough?

My cat

My cat really hates other cats. She is the sweetest thing in the world, but man do you see a different side to her when she's faced with another of her kind. One time she saw a cat outside the window and she started screaming, hitting the blinds, and peeing on the floor all at the same time!

So if she hates cats so much, why doesn't she scream when she sees herself in the mirror???

MSN Messenger,

"...is still running!!!!!!!!"

Whew, glad I was warned about that. For a second there I thought I missed a very important message.

Empathetic

Empathetic. Empathetic. EmPATHETIC?

What, so this word means counselors are feeling for their pathetic clients? I swear if I hear the word said that way one more time...

Folks, the word is EmPATHIC. Get it right.


Okay, so the dictionary has both. But still, empathic just sounds better, so still, get it right.

Customer Service

Not only was Seinfeld right on about how we over-thank in our culture, but there is also the the thank you that lasts too LONG, particular in conversations with customer service representatives (CSR). For example, here's a transcript if you will:

Me: Great, that helps a lot, thank you for your help.
CSR: You're welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, I think that's it, thanks.
CSR: Now we have this offer going right now for a 30-day free trial.. (add your typical solicitation babble here).
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested at this time.
CSR: Now remember, the free trial period does include...
Me: That's okay, I'm still not interested, but I'll keep it in mind.
CSR: Okay, anything else I can help with?
Me: Nope, that was it, thanks.
CSR: Not a problem, now you can call us back at this number if you have any other questions.
Me: Thanks, I'll do that.
CSR: Now you have a good day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
CSR: Thanks, and have a happy Easter.
Me: Thank you, you too.
CSR: Thanks and take care.

Funny how such a drawn-out ending to a conversation has replaced the simple BYE. It's gotten to be so annoying for me that now I find myself hanging up on the SOB's (aka CSR's).

And what is the deal with the voice recognition voice response systems? E.g. If that is the correct number, press 1 or say "yes." Because half the time the damn thing doesn't understand you and you have to repeat it anyway. How is that faster or easier than just pressing 1??

Neckties

Ever wonder what neckties are for? I mean, why do men wear them? Where did they come from? What do they DO?

Sandwiches

What's the deal with sandwiches? I mean, they should be easy to eat, where you can hold them through the entire eating process. But, when can we stop calling some sandwiches sandwiches? Some are too tall to fit into your mouth, others are so gooey that you have to eat them with a knife and fork so that you don't get sauce dripping down your hands. Even some burritos: I mean, there is no way you can hold them and eat them; you're pretty much just eating the stuffing with a fork as the tortilla gets torn up.

I'm sorry, a sandwich or burrito is something I can eat with my hands. Otherwise, some restaurants might as well just chop up the bread or tortilla and just toss it with the stuff that's supposed to be in the middle.

Sunglasses

What's the deal with the style for sunglasses these days? They are huge ass glasses that cover up half the face and make people look like aliens. It's like "Look everyone, I have eyes! I have eyes! Ooo, look at me with my cool shades!" I mean do you HAVE to have such huge ass sunglasses to shield your eyes from the sun? I mean, I wouldn't want to have a second purse just so I have a place to keep them!

Red cones

There is not a single fucking street where construction isn't being done. It's just become the expectation that you can double your commute time because of the "work" being done.

I think they're blocking off lanes with those red cones only because they have nowhere else to put them.

Wipers

Why aren't windshield wipers for the back windshield standard for all cars? If the seatbelt is standard for safety reasons, back windshield wipers should be too.

We can put a man on the moon, but I can't see out my back windshield when it's pouring down rain.

Technology

So what's the point of technology? I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier. But how much easier are our lives because of it? I send an email and the person doesn't get it, so I have to send it again. I leave a message on a co-worker's phone. Does he call back? No. Another co-worker said he'd get it faster if I called his cell. So I call and leave a message on his cell. Does he call me back? No. Not a biggie that time because I got the answer to my question myself. I leave another message on his cell last night. Does he call me back? No. I call his office phone this morning and first ask, "Hey, did you get the message I left on your cell last night?" "No, I didn't get it!" he answered.

Computer crashes, projectors that need bulbs, printers that need cartridges, copiers that never work.......technology's kinda like bad sex. It's there, but what's the point?

Orchestras

NOW I finally understand the purpose of the conductor at the symphony. He's there to give us some action to watch. Think about it, the faces of the musicians are so stoic, and you don't need to watch them anyway because you just want to hear the music, right? I mean if you notice, no matter the tone of the music they're playing, whether it be happy, sad, upbeat, suspenseful, they have the same expressionless faces!

So, while we listen to the music, the conductor is just there to give us more expressions to see. I swear, I was at the symphony last night and the conductor had more facial expressions that fit with the music than any of the musicians. And this I saw WITH his back to us of course! But you could just see how much he was getting into the music and when I was able to see his profile, it had more expression than the musicians.

Because why else does the conductor exist? After all that practice, would the musicians really NOT know when to play what???

Chopsticks

Why do people try to eat Chinese food with chopsticks? Why? Why do you try? It's kind of like that DARE motto for kids: using chopsticks does NOT make you look cool. Want to know why? Because people do it for the very goal of looking cool. Because I guess that makes you more cultured, or fancy, or high-brow, or whatever. Oooo, look at meeee, I'm so coooool, I can pick up rice with sticks.

And that's just it, with rice you can't use the chopsticks as easily and people give up when it's time to eat the rice anyway. Or they look so lame trying to scoop up the little rice kernels at the end onto the chopsticks.

Folks, as a human race we have evolved to the point of creating things that make life easier for us. If we're capable of that evolution, I think that means we can guiltlessly use the very utensils we have invented. Feel free to use the never-failing FORK. I mean hell, you can buy forks in China now too!

So I don't try to fake being able to use chopsticks. I go right for the fork and like your typical American, I enjoy scarfing down my food.

Red lights

WHY do people edge up at red lights?? If a guy is on my ass when I'm at a red light, I'll move up a bit to increase the distance between us for safety, and the moron follows me. WHERE do you think you're going? You think kissing my ass is going to make the green light come sooner?

No pun intended.

Grad student

You know you're a grad student when things like loading the dishwasher or doing laundry are breaks from work.