Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Distractions

We have resorted to a new level of rudeness in today's world. I cannot begin to express how pissed off I get at the overuse of I-pods and cell phone texting. So the "loved" ones from out of town visiting the folks who own these new hot commodities are no longer as important as Gwen Stephani, or the text from a friend who lives in the SAME ZIPCODE as them. Someone can have a heart-attack right on the street and the idiot in his own little world would never know because he's too fucking distracted with his I-pod. Or folks can't even sit through a 2-hour movie without checking a stupid text.

Well if we're going to pretend that the people we're with are not there anyway, then why not do something even more satisfying than texting or listening to music? How about farting whenever we feel like it? Belching at a dinner table? Going to the bathroom with the door open?

Hell, how about masturbating in the presence of others? What? That suggestion disturbs you? But isn't it more satisfying than listening to music or texting?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas cards

Sending Xmas cards has really become a joke, hasn't it? I mean, people don't even TRY to make you feel special anymore. It's like "I have to do this fucking task because it's the holidays, so I'll pick the ugliest, BIGGEST card ever, just sign my name, and feel like I sent something meaningful." I'm not even addressed-people just write their names at the very bottom and that's it!

So how long am I supposed to keep such gifts worth $1.50 (the stamp and card) and the physical and emotional work that goes along with it (which is worth even LESS)? So I put them on my desk until after new years and then toss them.

Much like new years resolutions. There's another joke-new years resolutions. Maybe we need UN-resolutions. I will not organize my closet. Or I will not clean up after myself. We know we can keep those!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Celebrity job changes

Ever notice how so many celebrities go into different fields? Examples are JeLo (did I spell that right? well, I don't care) who went from acting to singing and Ellen Degeneres who was originally a comedian and now has her own talk show. And ever notice how STUPID they look in their new roles? JeLo can't really act or sing in my opinion, and Ellen who's a great comedian looks dorky dancing around with the audience and then going on stage trying to be Letterman.

Yet, many like them in their new roles and get this: they make SHITLOADS of money in them! Well hell, I can't sing worth shit, I admit, but why do I get so much grief when I sing karaoke, or when I sing at home? I mean, at least I'm not making money doing it!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Camping

Okay, so what constitutes camping? (I recently had a conversation about this with someone the other day and it got me all riled up.) I mean, is it still camping if people are sleeping on air mattresses, taking showers or cooking pancakes? I'm sorry, but camping is a sleeping bag, dealing w/o a shower for a couple days, dealing with the bugs, and eating sandwiches!

I consider myself a camper, because I do like roughin' it now and then, especially as a break from a normal hectic schedule. I love the outdoors, hiking, and sleeping under the stars. I'm ok without showering for a few days and I know that bugs come with the territory. Plus, if I cook all the time at home, WHY would I want to cook outdoors????

BUT, some folks have the audacity to say I'm not a real camper because I've only been twice in my life. But you know what, it was I alone in both of those outings who could deal without pancakes for the weekend, wasn't complaining about being dirty, and wasn't squealing like a little girl everytime a bug flew by. Okay, so I've only been twice and wouldn't be able to pitch a tent by myself (but I didn't grow up with camping parents and a skill like that just comes by doing it multiple times), but why is everyone else who's been camping a million times cooking pancakes and complaining about bugs and being dirty? Just because they've done it more than me makes them true campers and not me?

Okay, so by that standard, I'm a true creative writer. I may suck at it but hey, I've been trying for a while!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sex? Perhaps lima beans?

Do we really need sex in our lives, or are we just bombarded with references to sex, which just leads us to *think* we do? I mean, it's been 7 months for me (sheesh) and it didn't really get to me until my sister called me the other day to tell me she got some (be-otch!).

Now I can't STAND lima beans. So let's say I was bombarded with references to how good lima beans are. Would I want lima beans and not care about sex?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Excuses

Have you ever noticed that the same excuses get used by different people all the time? I mean it gets old to the point where they can be considered cliches. Because I mean, people say them as if it makes them special, like nobody else goes through those experiences or feelings. I mean in our society we've had for a while now 1) a high divorce rate, 2) traffic, 3) and the need to work to make a living (well, most people anyway). Yet you always hear:

"My parents got divorced so I haven't had a good role model for relationships."
Yeah? Well you and every other jerk who uses that excuse for being chicken shit or an asshole when it comes to dating.

"Dating is so hard for me."
Yeah, and it's a breeze for the rest of us-we're just living in a romantic comedy over here.

"I don't do well with rejection."
Really, cuz it's my favorite part of asking guys out!

"I'm not a morning person."
Well I'd like to lounge around in bed all morning too but I'm an ADULT and I have to be somewhere in the mornings to make a living. Try going to bed EARLIER.

"I'm a visual learner."
Yeah, cuz it's easier to just get the information from watching it on television or looking at a graph for a minute, rather than spending the 30 minutes reading the research article.

"Sorry I didn't get that to you, I've been busy."
Yeah, and I'm just basking in free time over here. But I use a PLANNER so that I can follow-through.

"I wish I could be creative and get paid for it."
Yeah, you and everyone else with a pulse.

"I try to be a spontaneous person-life happens when you're making plans."
Well maybe that's why you don't accomplish much.

"Sorry I'm late, the traffic was crazy!"
Well, the secret is, the technology to be able to beam ourselves places has been available for like 30 years now, but only for a special few-that's how I got here on time. Guess you could wait for that, or ALLOW for driving time in your schedule.

Boy, Yalom couldn't be more right with his term "delusion of specialness."

Monday, September 03, 2007

Roommates

It is amazing how much living with someone can lead you to dislike the person. In fact, I'm amazed at how quickly I have gone from liking roommates to hating them. Nothing like trying to share living space to help that to happen, no sirree bob. It's with roommates that I realize how uncommon common sense actually is:

-You want to let the dish soak if you're not going to wash it right away. Amazing how that makes for quicker cleaning now doesn't it? Unless you want to eat from a plate with food stuck on it.
-See, you want to dump the dishes on the side of the sink where the garbage disposal is, to make it easier to get rid of the food. But I guess some people like picking pieces of food out from the sink.
-You want to wet the towel BEFORE wiping the counter, unless you WANT to wipe the counter with the very food you are trying to clean up.
-Larger dishes go on the bottom part of the dishwasher and cups go on the TOP.
-Do you have to take up two rows in the dishwasher for ONE bowl?
-Generally it's best, in terms of saving energy and soap, to wait to start the dishwasher until it's FULL.
-See, there is a mug tree where you can put the mugs when you're unloading the dishwasher. Saves some cupboard space so that you don't have to sift threw glasses to get to a mug.
-Is chewing with one's mouth closed too difficult for people? Do they not HEAR their lips smacking together??? Do they LIKE the sound?

I'm surprised it takes most couples as long as it does before they finally file for divorce.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Spoon rest

So the spoon rest, or whatever it's called, can be added to the list of crap that we buy that we really don't need. It's the thing people keep on their stove tops on which to place the utensil with which they're cooking.

Why?

So you don't get a little bit of food on the stove top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

So you don't get a little bit of food on the pan lid? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

So you don't get a little bit of food on the counter top? But now that little bit of food is on the spoon rest.

No matter what, there's going to be something to clean. It makes more sense to put the cooking utensil on a paper towel that you can just throw away, doesn't it?

Travel

So it's 2007. That means it's after the 1940's. Meaning technology is supposed to be more advanced. Meaning things should be faster, better and prettier, am I right? Otherwise, what the hell are we doing here on earth and what the hell are we paying for? Instead, things are slower, worse and not as pretty, at least when it comes to air travel.

For what is supposed to be just a 2 hour flight, it took me 9 hours to get from my airport to my destination because they decide there is a problem with the plane AFTER all passengers have boarded, mind you. We backed away from the gate twice and still could not leave because they kept finding problems. So we de-planed and got on a different plane.

NINE hours. NOT faster.

These days you don't get the meals you request ahead of time. And I was on an old plane where we did not have our own tv screens, and the headphones didn't work.

NOT better.

And of course while we're sitting on the runway as they're trying to figure out what's wrong with the plane, the AC is not on. So I'm hot and sweaty.

Definitely NOT prettier.

Children at Heart

There is nothing like air travel to turn [seemingly functional] adults into children.

You have to eat what they give you (requesting a vegan meal gives you looks like you have 2 heads), you get woken up from a great nap to eat the crap they give you, they decide what you watch on tv, you eat like you're on a high chair (with a seat belt and little room to move), and you can't understand one freakin' thing over the intercom that they try to tell you.

Then you somehow, miraculously, make it to baggage claim. Here's where we really act like children. Everyone has to be right NEXT to the carousel and nobody can seem to realize that if everyone just stepped back a couple feet, everyone could see their bags coming. I mean, you don't have to be right by the carousel unless you're going to actually get your bag!

It's amazing the behavior we resort to just to get someplace.


Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Reality TV

Why, why do people get into reality tv? I mean, isn't the concept a bit of an oxymoron? Why do you want to see something real on tv when you have your life? Your life's not real enough?

Friday, July 27, 2007

My cat

My cat really hates other cats. She is the sweetest thing in the world, but man do you see a different side to her when she's faced with another of her kind. One time she saw a cat outside the window and she started screaming, hitting the blinds, and peeing on the floor all at the same time!

So if she hates cats so much, why doesn't she scream when she sees herself in the mirror???

Saturday, June 09, 2007

MSN Messenger,

"...is still running!!!!!!!!"

Whew, glad I was warned about that. For a second there I thought I missed a very important message.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Empathetic

Empathetic. Empathetic. EmPATHETIC?

What, so this word means counselors are feeling for their pathetic clients? I swear if I hear the word said that way one more time...

Folks, the word is EmPATHIC. Get it right.


Okay, so the dictionary has both. But still, empathic just sounds better, so still, get it right.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Customer Service

Not only was Seinfeld right on about how we over-thank in our culture, but there is also the the thank you that lasts too LONG, particular in conversations with customer service representatives (CSR). For example, here's a transcript if you will:

Me: Great, that helps a lot, thank you for your help.
CSR: You're welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, I think that's it, thanks.
CSR: Now we have this offer going right now for a 30-day free trial.. (add your typical solicitation babble here).
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested at this time.
CSR: Now remember, the free trial period does include...
Me: That's okay, I'm still not interested, but I'll keep it in mind.
CSR: Okay, anything else I can help with?
Me: Nope, that was it, thanks.
CSR: Not a problem, now you can call us back at this number if you have any other questions.
Me: Thanks, I'll do that.
CSR: Now you have a good day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
CSR: Thanks, and have a happy Easter.
Me: Thank you, you too.
CSR: Thanks and take care.

Funny how such a drawn-out ending to a conversation has replaced the simple BYE. It's gotten to be so annoying for me that now I find myself hanging up on the SOB's (aka CSR's).

And what is the deal with the voice recognition voice response systems? E.g. If that is the correct number, press 1 or say "yes." Because half the time the damn thing doesn't understand you and you have to repeat it anyway. How is that faster or easier than just pressing 1??

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Neckties

Ever wonder what neckties are for? I mean, why do men wear them? Where did they come from? What do they DO?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sandwiches

What's the deal with sandwiches? I mean, they should be easy to eat, where you can hold them through the entire eating process. But, when can we stop calling some sandwiches sandwiches? Some are too tall to fit into your mouth, others are so gooey that you have to eat them with a knife and fork so that you don't get sauce dripping down your hands. Even some burritos: I mean, there is no way you can hold them and eat them; you're pretty much just eating the stuffing with a fork as the tortilla gets torn up.

I'm sorry, a sandwich or burrito is something I can eat with my hands. Otherwise, some restaurants might as well just chop up the bread or tortilla and just toss it with the stuff that's supposed to be in the middle.

Sunglasses

What's the deal with the style for sunglasses these days? They are huge ass glasses that cover up half the face and make people look like aliens. It's like "Look everyone, I have eyes! I have eyes! Ooo, look at me with my cool shades!" I mean do you HAVE to have such huge ass sunglasses to shield your eyes from the sun? I mean, I wouldn't want to have a second purse just so I have a place to keep them!

Red cones

There is not a single fucking street where construction isn't being done. It's just become the expectation that you can double your commute time because of the "work" being done.

I think they're blocking off lanes with those red cones only because they have nowhere else to put them.

Wipers

Why aren't windshield wipers for the back windshield standard for all cars? If the seatbelt is standard for safety reasons, back windshield wipers should be too.

We can put a man on the moon, but I can't see out my back windshield when it's pouring down rain.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Technology

So what's the point of technology? I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier. But how much easier are our lives because of it? I send an email and the person doesn't get it, so I have to send it again. I leave a message on a co-worker's phone. Does he call back? No. Another co-worker said he'd get it faster if I called his cell. So I call and leave a message on his cell. Does he call me back? No. Not a biggie that time because I got the answer to my question myself. I leave another message on his cell last night. Does he call me back? No. I call his office phone this morning and first ask, "Hey, did you get the message I left on your cell last night?" "No, I didn't get it!" he answered.

Computer crashes, projectors that need bulbs, printers that need cartridges, copiers that never work.......technology's kinda like bad sex. It's there, but what's the point?

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Orchestras

NOW I finally understand the purpose of the conductor at the symphony. He's there to give us some action to watch. Think about it, the faces of the musicians are so stoic, and you don't need to watch them anyway because you just want to hear the music, right? I mean if you notice, no matter the tone of the music they're playing, whether it be happy, sad, upbeat, suspenseful, they have the same expressionless faces!

So, while we listen to the music, the conductor is just there to give us more expressions to see. I swear, I was at the symphony last night and the conductor had more facial expressions that fit with the music than any of the musicians. And this I saw WITH his back to us of course! But you could just see how much he was getting into the music and when I was able to see his profile, it had more expression than the musicians.

Because why else does the conductor exist? After all that practice, would the musicians really NOT know when to play what???

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Chopsticks

Why do people try to eat Chinese food with chopsticks? Why? Why do you try? It's kind of like that DARE motto for kids: using chopsticks does NOT make you look cool. Want to know why? Because people do it for the very goal of looking cool. Because I guess that makes you more cultured, or fancy, or high-brow, or whatever. Oooo, look at meeee, I'm so coooool, I can pick up rice with sticks.

And that's just it, with rice you can't use the chopsticks as easily and people give up when it's time to eat the rice anyway. Or they look so lame trying to scoop up the little rice kernels at the end onto the chopsticks.

Folks, as a human race we have evolved to the point of creating things that make life easier for us. If we're capable of that evolution, I think that means we can guiltlessly use the very utensils we have invented. Feel free to use the never-failing FORK. I mean hell, you can buy forks in China now too!

So I don't try to fake being able to use chopsticks. I go right for the fork and like your typical American, I enjoy scarfing down my food.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Red lights

WHY do people edge up at red lights?? If a guy is on my ass when I'm at a red light, I'll move up a bit to increase the distance between us for safety, and the moron follows me. WHERE do you think you're going? You think kissing my ass is going to make the green light come sooner?

No pun intended.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Grad student

You know you're a grad student when things like loading the dishwasher or doing laundry are breaks from work.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Fees

So now they have a September 11th security fee as part of the charges of a plane ticket. Can you believe this? They're charging customers for something that's already part of their job anyway, to protect them. I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but security existed prior to September 11th, yes? I swear, any stupid, fucking reason to make money off of people. No wait, it's not a stupid reason, it's a sad one actually, using a tragedy mind you, to make money.

Well hell, if organizations want to capitalize on others' tragedies when it is normally their JOB anyway, then why the fuck can't I charge people for their screw-ups? And I'm not talking about just any screw-up, but ones that affect work deadlines and my productivity. Here are my charges for each time the event happens:

-Not returning phone calls: $50
-Not returning emails: $1000 (this is easier because you don't have to actually talk to people, so less of an excuse, and higher charge for this one)
-Not doing your job period: $1500
-Being an annoying little cricket who just likes to hear themselves talk: $5000
-Using poor students to do something that you as an instructor should be taking care of: $20,000
-Being condescending: $25,000
-Not knowing how to use your turn signal: $50,000

I'd be a millionaire by now.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Phlegm

Now I know that when you cough up or blow out clear phlegm it's a good thing, means no infection and you're healthy. But I have to say, I feel better if I hack up something interesting that's more yellow or green. Because then it makes the cough, or blowing my nose, feel so much more productive. I mean sometimes I'm doing it so often that it seems futile if the stuff is clear, but it's more interesting if I have some colors to see.

Well, green is my favorite color. :)

Friday, January 19, 2007

Tomato soup

Why is tomato soup so special and why do people like it so much? It's kind of bland if you think about it, nothing of substance in it. It's not really a food item. Other more filling soups can be considered as food, like minestrone or gumbo, but isn't tomato soup just hot tomato juice?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Chicken

A friend of mine brought up such a good point today:

If everything tastes like chicken, then what does chicken taste like???

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Shopping carts

We can put a man on the moon, but in the past 5 years, I think I have used only one shopping cart at the grocery store that was easy to push.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Panda Express

It's amazing how despite how long we've had the knife, that some things are cut too big for us to be able to eat. I was at the airport craving Panda Express, and one of the things I got was veggie stir fry. Anyone want to explain to me WHY the broccoli pieces are so fucking huge? HOW do they expect us to eat them? And, they're not easy to cut with a PLASTIC knife mind you. Is it too much to ask to cut them smaller before making the stir fry?