Avacados

Give a person an avacado and you've fed them one-eighth of a meal. Teach them how to shop for avacados themselves and they won't buy any because they're so damn expensive.

Wipes

I get excited about sanitizing wipes. Yes folks, this is my life. When I come onto my shift at work and I see that there are sanitizing wipes, I know that the task of wiping down the desks and phones is going to be faster and easier for me. And get this: I look forward to doing it.

Guess that's how you know you're no longer a kid and you're an adult: you get excited about things that make your daily chores easier: sanitizing wipes, Shout it Out, and coffee (MUST have coffee!!!)

Parents

I think there is a class that people take before they become parents. It's a 2-day class and here's the agenda:

Day 1:
-How to put your kids on guilt trips.
-How to be passive-aggressive.

Day 2:
-How to selectively hear.
-How to ask stupid questions.

Graduation

Stickers

Who's brilliant idea was it to put stickers on each piece of fruit? I didn't see the sticker on my plum this morning and washed it, and then later it was hard to peel off because it was wet--arghhh, very frustrating! I mean, you probably burn more calories taking the damn sticker off than you take in from the fruit. Ah, I get it now, the "sticker on fruit" diet.

The computer

I think the biggest love-hate relationship in our lives is that with our computer. When it's working I keep coming back to it happily. When it doesn't work I'm like "#@?!!." I mean I know they're built on logic but is "error # 9221: xhsowjsou" LOGICAL? And, lately I love how I get the message "Internet Explorer has to terminate" and then it continues to run--talk about mixed messages! Hmm..this is similar to romantic relationships: people sending mixed messages, loving only when things are going well, and hating each other when they're not.

The sweater

Something wrong with this picture: in the desert we wear sweaters more in the summer cuz it is so frickin' cold indoors. I mean, people, just cuz it's 120 degrees outside does not mean it has to be 50 degrees indoors! And cranking the AC starts in like March, when it's only like 85 degrees outside.

I know some people say, "Well, it's so hot out that you want it really cold inside." Well, you JUST walked in. If you give it some TIME, you'll cool off.

Dust

I like to live in a clean and tidy house, so even though I don't like the actual act of cleaning, I do it because there is nobody else to do it. I don't mind some things like vacuuming or laundry, or even cleaning the bathroom, but I HATE dusting! Even though everything else has to be done regularly just like dusting does, there is something about the dusting that makes me feel so resentful. It's like the sense of accomplishment lasts maybe 2 minutes after it's done and then I think "It's continuing to pile up even right after I've finished." There's just no winning with it...I feel like whenever I dust, the dust particles are laughing and saying "he he he, sucker! we're just going to be back again so why do you bother?"

Here's another area in which my cat could be more useful..she likes rubbing up again things all the time, so why the hell doesn't she just rub herself around the surfaces in my apartment and dust for me? But nooo, she has to just lay there on the floor and watch me while I do it. Funny, so much of our time is spent on life-management activities like cleaning, shopping, paying bills, appointments, etc., that when are we actually living our lives?

Get real

I love how when people get the question "If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be?" they answer something like "Jesus" or "Mother Theresa." Get real..come on, admit it, you want to meet someone like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston. Whenever I've been asked that question I couldn't think of the answer-being a perfectionist I wanted to think about it for a long time and come up with the perfect person for me. But recently, I have become sure of my answer: Seinfeld (big shocker, I know). But how many people do we know who are cute, have a great sense of humor, the drive to be successful, an intelligent, insightful view of the world, a sense of balance and moderation, and are a kid at heart? So that's my answer, Seinfeld, and I don't care who knows it. :)

The heat

Now I've been living in the desert for who knows how long yet every summer I, along with others who have been here just as long, say "It's so hot!" Like it's so surprising, like we weren't expecting it, like it's headline news. I mean we live in the desert for crying out loud! It's supposed to be hot! But no, every conversation goes something like:
"It's so hot out there."
"I know."

There should be a look that communicates that. Not the stink eye, not the crook eye, not the evil eye, but the "it's so hot" eye. That'd save a lot of energy.

Common courtesy

Anyone wonder why it's called common courtesy if it's obviously not so common? Even for important things, people don't return phone calls, rsvp, or even apologize. Folks have to always be reminded to do those things. Common courtesy-yeah. In that case we have common nuclear physicists, common astronauts and common long-lasting marriages.

The setup

What in the world compells people to set others up on dates? You have nothing better to do?The sense of accomplishment? That you want to see your friend happy? uh huh. Then how is it that people always say something like "He's amazing" or "he's great, you'll love him" and forget to mention that he smokes, doesn't shower or shave before dates, hasn't had a lasting relationship, or is chicken shit?

A word of advice for you matchmakers: if you're going to do it, at least be honest and say "He's horrible, can't keep a steady job, lives with his parents, and is afraid of commitment." So then at least when I go out with him, I'll have low expectations and feel like it was worth it cuz of the free dinner.

Clams

"Happy as a clam." I don't hear that expression enough. Happy as a clam. I mean how the hell do we know if clams are happy or not? I'd be interested to see the research that led to that conclusion. I would rather be as happy as a pig. This is no joke, this is my life, my inspiration. I read somewhere that a pig's orgasm lasts for like 30 minutes. So, I would rather be as happy as a pig.

The towel

Now I've been bathing myself for 20-some years, yet I can't tell you how many times I forget to take my towel into the bathroom with me before I shower. So after I'm done I open the curtain and I'm standing there thinking "crap, I did it again." It's probably one of the most annoying things I experience in a day. I mean, I'm already running late as it is and now I have to run out dripping wet and frickin' cold to crab the towel and run back into the bathroom to dry off. Now I have a cat, and she's cute and I love her and all, but she'd be so much more utilitarian if she could get me my towel for me. So I try and say "Here kitty kitty kitty. Could you get me my towel kitty kitty?" I get nothin, nothin! I run into the bedroom to grab the towel and she's just chillin on the bed looking at me probably thinking "You are such an idiot."

Now that would be an advantage to being in a relationship: he could get my towel for me when I forget it.